u/Artsyrissa

My mother figure, my grandma, passed away in 2023, I stopped talking to my bio mom shortly after, as we never got along and without my grandma, there was no glue left to hold us together. I recently had a baby, he’s turning one this month, I love him so much, but my love for him has brought up some hard emotions.

My bio mom is a narcissist, my dad left when I was young, though we’ve reconnected since then, I just don’t understand why I didn’t deserve that love from them, the love I feel so deeply for my son. My grandma was my real mom, she gave me that love, she was the only family I had really, and she’s gone, and I haven’t dealt with that pain cause it’s too hard.
I have a great support system, a loving husband, caring friends and in-laws, but still I’m so lonely. I look at other people and their relationships with their mothers, and I’m so jealous. I just miss my grandmother so much, so what do I do instead of dealing with my pain, I seek dopamine hits from thrifting or buying things I pretend will take the pain away, but it doesn’t, obviously.

Anyways, I just wanted to vent. This month’s goal is to deal with my emotions in a healthy way, manage my bipolar and adhd, and stick to a budget. Wish me luck.

Context: my shopping problem can be attributed to my bio mom and her irresponsible way of dealing with her emotions. I don’t know how to break something so deeply ingrained in me. I’ve gotten better about it (not perfect but better), but then I fall back in every few years. It’s sucks.

Hi there,

I (30f) and my husband (31m) have an 8 month old baby boy. Being a mom has been the best decision I ever made. I absolute love mom life and my heart tells me I want another, but my brain isn’t so sure.

Though I love being a mom, it is, obviously, challenging. I have bipolar, adhd, and various other health conditions, all of which are being managed very well, but they are permanent and future challenges are most certainly ahead. I don’t know if I can handle 2. I want to give my baby all the attention and love he needs, and I’m worried about dividing my attention in two and the further I get away from post partum the more challenging it seems to start over. I like that I have time to do lots of stuff still, I can take him everywhere with me and he’s so chill and had fun but two seems a lot harder to do that with. My hobbies have been much more limited but I appreciate them so much more and really enjoy that time, and I don’t want to give that up. I have great in-laws, supportive friends/ honorary aunties, and a wonderful husband and father to help me, so I know it’s doable and I thought this first baby would be much harder, but it’s been great. So am I being to pessimistic about two? I know I haven’t even entered toddlerhood which is a whole new game, but because of all my health issues (my health issues don’t severely hinder my pregnancy, I actually loved being pregnant, except like the last month lol I just don’t want to take chances) and stuff I’d prefer to have my next one close if I decide to have one.

Here’s the thing, I’m an only child. My childhood was horrible, not because I was an only child, but for other factors, but I always wondered what it would’ve been like if things were different. I went to daycare so I had other kids to play with and learn from, but I’m concerned about my son not having that since I’m a stay at home mom. Idk. The concept of having a sibling is impossible for me to fully understand and it’s very intimidating to imagine raising two as an only child for some reason. I just want my boy to feel loved and valued and never to have to feel abandoned like I did by my parents. but I’m also worried about helicoptering my one if he was the only one. I always felt like my mother was trying too controlling and smothering me, but that’s probably just because she was just that way.

Idk this was a huge stream of consciousness ramble so I’m sorry if it was incoherent. I just want to know how you decided. I will probably cross post this to another thread for other perspectives but I’m just curious what everyone has to say.

Thanks in advance.