u/Ashamed_Pollution621

I have this attachment struggle that really pisses me off and makes me not respect myself, and that is the feeling that everything I do is "cringe" and completely unattached to this aesthetic idea of respectable, aligned human behavior, which then spawns this sense that I must adjust to the worshipped positions of everyone else, but ends up alienating me from everyone else more in the process. It's like I cannot create my own internal standards and evaluations of pleasure, or when I do somehow manage to they aren't very strong in the face of others. I have had debilitating social anxiety my whole life and I think this is a big theme in it all.

Part of me believes I'm destined to be an artistic pioneer able to see things beyond their time, and I always have to ground myself for the sake of self preservation. People usually see 9s as being the least prone to narcissism, so I wanted to see if some nines felt this way. I feel like inertia can give a feeling of inactivated potential. I am obsessed with being a genius. I go insane thinking of all the ways I can artistically show my insight to impress others.

I am easily disrupted by anything and everything that presents a different world view to me and I cannot settle on a single one

yep, a big old fat nine. doesn't help at all that all 9 descriptions are shit and even the ones that claim to know what real nines are like do not know what a real nine is like. like the whole "not know that they're angry" shit. I know damn well when I'm angry, I'm angry right now for no particular reason. or feeling that everyone is connected. I definitely don't feel that way. is that supposed to be a subconscious thing or what? like not even I would know that? I feel incredibly separated from everything and everyone, like there is just this stuff going on outside my head that I have no connection to at all, but for some reason they're including me in it, and I guess I have to accept, because what justification do I have for not? I wouldn't describe myself as likable either, though I want to be, even though I have this awkward relation to the world. I would say that I am likable on a surface level, like a polite-to-your-face but aloof and extremely avoidant type of thing, a "don't look at me, I am a mistake and I will fuck up somehow if you expect me to do anything". The positivity is another thing, even as an abstract definition of positive I can not relate to at all. I have no sense of self, but I sort of do. Why that is? I don't know. I don't have a human personality. I have human functions that I recognize very well. I take a liking to certain things and I see very well what they are. And when I see a bit of humanity in myself, I am definitely gonna analyze the shit out of it and try to get some understanding out of it. I am a gigantic navel gazer for that fact that I do not have an identity and need to know what I am. There are a bunch of things that other people say that make me question myself constantly, and shake my fragile self to the core. I actually feel my gut the least compared to whatever is going on in my head or heart, I am much more attentive to those. The separation and lack of humanity has fucked me up so much. The void is screaming. I will completely self destruct with all I have left. please help me.

I was wondering how social anxiety emerges from and behaves in this specific kind of ego structure. asking mostly because I've suffered from it my whole life to a very severe extent, so I imagine it says a lot about my own ego structure. Caring about what people think has been attributed a lot to attachment types because of their need to adapt, more than it has been attributed to the social instinct I think. I don't know, what are your thoughts?

I'm on some really terrible medication right now, but it has really brought out all of my negative thoughts and made me realize my true type. I always kind of related to 4 but didn't think I was emotional enough or whatever and thought it was just a strong wing or fix. Plus the constant "you're probably not a 4" talk in enneagram communities kind of steered me away. But now that I think about it, the envy/sense of lack has been such a strong theme throughout my life and has prevented me from living life and appreciating things as they are. I thought I was too different, that my problems were unlike anyone else's. I could never be on par with them, so I just sort of accepted my defeat and moped in the corner while I watched everyone else have a good time. I didn't want to compete with them because I assumed it was a losing battle anyways, and for the preservation of my ego I clung to myself. With all the time I had spent in my corner I had decorated it to my liking and saw it as all there was and would ever be. I had tried to find the logic behind it all, but there was no logic there. Of course there wasn't. It was all neuroticism. When people tried to tell me what was wrong and how to fix it, I would nit-pick the things that I felt didn't quite fit for my situation specifically. I have so much disdain for everything outside of myself. Just the way life goes on for them without feeling what I feel is enough to rub salt into the wound.

does this fit under a type-me post? I hope not. I don't consider it one.

my mind feels like it takes half-assed concepts and tries to fit in into a "person" and it fluctuates heavily in such a distressing way that I have no basic humanity. I know I want love, basic respect, and such and such, and morals are a way to make that accessible for all, including myself. But it is so easy for me to become confused in this landscape of things that personally affect each individual and strike them to their core in a way that surpasses any real reason and lets them justify dehumanizing the other, and it has made me feel like I cannot exist in a real human way, having the most human qualities be a reprehensible part of myself that I cannot reveal no matter what. I think so many people also live like this and it just seems like a hopeless existence to me. You become so defensive about your worth in a strange way. If you are the only one fighting for that worth, competing against the rest like you are fighting against reality itself, does it make you insane?

Do you guys feel like it covers the full range of personalities? How so? And what are your experiences with the archetypes as they present to you in real life? What do you think is the deeper truth to how all these archetypes line up?

I had a real epiphany today. Everyone is a shallow mongrel who cannot comprehend any thing deeper than tiktok or whatever but me. Why does this happen?

6 wants a truth, while 5 is looking at what's hidden. combined together you have a brain that is seeing its vision as partially footed in reality. heavy distortions.

(Just a disclaimer: I have ocd and that might contribute to a lot of mental rumination issues). I am probably a head type, I've considered 9 but the fact that I am constantly in my head all the time creating a mental map of the world and finding hidden, universal truths makes me think that isn't quite it. 6w5 is very much possible and is probably the obvious answer, but for some reason I cannot fully convince myself of it. I have had intense social anxiety my whole life, and from what I've heard about fives vs sixes, fives don't really care much about the opinions of others, nor do they usually have this much trouble typing themselves. I've also noticed certain thought processes that may resemble some attachment-like thinking, but I'm not sure of the extent of it.

I think I have a really strong five wing. I basically live in my head, the only world I have, which is a complete dead zone. It feels like some uncanny living dead replica of what I think the real world is. And it is practically all mental content with no real flesh or heart, like I skipped through all the content of life and just went to the wisdom. Though recently, I feel like I've connected more with my body, or at least the reflection it gives me because it used to just seem really off and strange, like "is this really me?" Still not enough to feel connected to my surroundings, though.

I feel like I've crafted this insane mind-machine that can dismantle almost any concept, given the right amount of time and discipline. This doesn't seem to work with my attempts to solve my issues in order to make friends, or anything that requires getting into the physical habit of doing the thing, which I feel so strongly alienated from. I know how ironic that sounds, and it is really ironic. It's almost like I enjoy the feelings of competency/control/ego I get having all these solutions from afar without having to be at behest of the conditions of reality seeping into cracks that exist in my own mental structures, as they do everyone else's. I think it's because I hate being human. I want an unnatural amount of integration with the laws of reality because I hate the incompetence and flawed nature of people. And I constantly need to refine this system to better suit the universe. I'm probably a narc.