u/Ashamed_Pollution621

I'm on some really terrible medication right now, but it has really brought out all of my negative thoughts and made me realize my true type. I always kind of related to 4 but didn't think I was emotional enough or whatever and thought it was just a strong wing or fix. Plus the constant "you're probably not a 4" talk in enneagram communities kind of steered me away. But now that I think about it, the envy/sense of lack has been such a strong theme throughout my life and has prevented me from living life and appreciating things as they are. I thought I was too different, that my problems were unlike anyone else's. I could never be on par with them, so I just sort of accepted my defeat and moped in the corner while I watched everyone else have a good time. I didn't want to compete with them because I assumed it was a losing battle anyways, and for the preservation of my ego I clung to myself. With all the time I had spent in my corner I had decorated it to my liking and saw it as all there was and would ever be. I had tried to find the logic behind it all, but there was no logic there. Of course there wasn't. It was all neuroticism. When people tried to tell me what was wrong and how to fix it, I would nit-pick the things that I felt didn't quite fit for my situation specifically. I have so much disdain for everything outside of myself. Just the way life goes on for them without feeling what I feel is enough to rub salt into the wound.

does this fit under a type-me post? I hope not. I don't consider it one.

my mind feels like it takes half-assed concepts and tries to fit in into a "person" and it fluctuates heavily in such a distressing way that I have no basic humanity. I know I want love, basic respect, and such and such, and morals are a way to make that accessible for all, including myself. But it is so easy for me to become confused in this landscape of things that personally affect each individual and strike them to their core in a way that surpasses any real reason and lets them justify dehumanizing the other, and it has made me feel like I cannot exist in a real human way, having the most human qualities be a reprehensible part of myself that I cannot reveal no matter what. I think so many people also live like this and it just seems like a hopeless existence to me. You become so defensive about your worth in a strange way. If you are the only one fighting for that worth, competing against the rest like you are fighting against reality itself, does it make you insane?

Do you guys feel like it covers the full range of personalities? How so? And what are your experiences with the archetypes as they present to you in real life? What do you think is the deeper truth to how all these archetypes line up?

I had a real epiphany today. Everyone is a shallow mongrel who cannot comprehend any thing deeper than tiktok or whatever but me. Why does this happen?

6 wants a truth, while 5 is looking at what's hidden. combined together you have a brain that is seeing its vision as partially footed in reality. heavy distortions.

(Just a disclaimer: I have ocd and that might contribute to a lot of mental rumination issues). I am probably a head type, I've considered 9 but the fact that I am constantly in my head all the time creating a mental map of the world and finding hidden, universal truths makes me think that isn't quite it. 6w5 is very much possible and is probably the obvious answer, but for some reason I cannot fully convince myself of it. I have had intense social anxiety my whole life, and from what I've heard about fives vs sixes, fives don't really care much about the opinions of others, nor do they usually have this much trouble typing themselves. I've also noticed certain thought processes that may resemble some attachment-like thinking, but I'm not sure of the extent of it.

I think I have a really strong five wing. I basically live in my head, the only world I have, which is a complete dead zone. It feels like some uncanny living dead replica of what I think the real world is. And it is practically all mental content with no real flesh or heart, like I skipped through all the content of life and just went to the wisdom. Though recently, I feel like I've connected more with my body, or at least the reflection it gives me because it used to just seem really off and strange, like "is this really me?" Still not enough to feel connected to my surroundings, though.

I feel like I've crafted this insane mind-machine that can dismantle almost any concept, given the right amount of time and discipline. This doesn't seem to work with my attempts to solve my issues in order to make friends, or anything that requires getting into the physical habit of doing the thing, which I feel so strongly alienated from. I know how ironic that sounds, and it is really ironic. It's almost like I enjoy the feelings of competency/control/ego I get having all these solutions from afar without having to be at behest of the conditions of reality seeping into cracks that exist in my own mental structures, as they do everyone else's. I think it's because I hate being human. I want an unnatural amount of integration with the laws of reality because I hate the incompetence and flawed nature of people. And I constantly need to refine this system to better suit the universe. I'm probably a narc.