u/Asleep_Bread_9337

i threw out a lot of old laundry recently, especially underwear that i had in my old flat. the reason is that a person who violated my physical boundaries was around that old flat regularly.
i’ve got all new underwear but kept two older pairs which i’m almost certain were never in that flat. it’s probably important to note that the person no longer comes around but i do occasionally because of family. i had to stay back there for a month last december. i came home freaked out and started to sort out my clothes. then i washed everything and disinfected my closet.

i ran out of newly bought underwear a couple of days ago and put on one of the “older ones”.
the fact that i can’t remember whether i brought them along to the old apartment or not is SO frustrating. i figured that i can’t possibly have brought them otherwise i wouldn’t have kept them when i wanted to clean everything.
anyways whatever i’m not looking for reassurance.

i have tried to live normally ever since i wore that pair of underwear, but the feeling that everything i’ve touched since is now contaminated with this abusive persons dna won’t leave me alone.

how do i let go of this, i know the moment i start disinfecting/cleaning it’ll get a hundred times worse so i’m trying not to do it but the feeling of contamination is ever present.
i feel like i’m at a crossroad i know which direction is the right one but it feels so much safer choosing to clean/disinfect.

i’m basically exposing myself but how do i do it exactly?

note: i am in therapy but we haven’t done any specific exposures yet so i don’t know how to handle the feeling, i’d be thankful for some productive input 💗

whenever i feel good and social (always after some days of pleasant isolation) i get wired. i feel excited, adventurous and social and i can hardly pull myself out of this when i realize its all too much again. sometimes good weather and a hyper fixation song is enough to make me so excited that i get anxious and even panicky sometimes.
it’s SO hard to be just slightly happy. for a long time i thought i was bipolar bc of this.
i did my research and the fact that i crash after two days of living like this seems to be an indicator of audhd rather than bipolar.
i got my autism diagnosis last december and i’m getting tested for adhd in september. i’m almost 100% certain that i have both. i get so scattered and overwhelmed sometimes.
the paradox is when im burnt out or melancholy or even sad my nervous system feels wayy more regulated. when i’m in a good mood i get so worked up and hyper and it’s so much fun too. at least in the beginning. i can literally feel myself searching for any dopamine hit i can get and that makes it so hard to just say “bye everybody i have once again overstimulated myself”.
i’m pretty sure it seems normal on the outside i’ve never been out partying for a couple of days like my friends. i could simply not do it i think id become psychotic. for example i met someone new a couple of days ago who i really liked (this person has adhd) so it was a lot of talking and constant sensory input, masking because i want to appear “my best” 😭 and poor sleep. that’s more than enough to burn me out. then i somewhat recover and seek out the excitement again.

does anyone struggle with this in the same way and has found a solution?

to preface this: i’m autistic and as always i’m unsure on how to navigate a social interaction.

i’ve contacted a host a month ago and introduced myself for a possible stay in july. they said it was too early to plan so i said no problem i’ll reach out again.

in the mean time i’ve read a lot of tips on this sub and ppl said to not visit hosts who expect you to work 7 days a week. at first i didn’t mind that the host required this as they have lots of horses. however i thought about it and due to being neurodivergent it might be good to have a day off completely. also even though i have years of experience riding horses, this is would be my first workaway experience and it’s stressful enough as it is i don’t think i want to ride horses this time around and the host has stated that they’d like someone to ride the horses. so it might not be that good of a match at least for now.

well now to my question: do i just say it doesn’t work for me anymore even though i wrote an enthusiastic first message? do i come up with an excuse? do i say maybe in the future?

and more importantly i’ve found two new hosts with good reviews who i both think would be an actual good fit. can i write them both a message? what do i do if they both agree? is it normal to decide after or should i pick first and only message one host?

i especially struggle bc i write my first messages eagerly so the host knows that im really interested and hard working (which i am). its just so strange to then decline after being so eager initially.

i’d really appreciate help on how to handle this situation, sorry if its obvious.

does anyone have the same problem currently?
i can’t view reviews of the hosts in the app, anytime i click on the little arrow that should fold open the reviews nothing happens despite there being many shown in the description above. i also tried clicking on the stars that are at the beginning of a profile. and i checked the app store to see if there are any updates available that might fix this bug. it really sucks bc i want to secure plans for this summer.