Seeking advice… overthinking some minor dishonesty?
Posting this here because I don’t think strictly monogamous people would understand the nuances of the situation.
I have been with my partner for a year and a half, swinging the whole time. He previously had been in the lifestyle for many years (a variety of open dynamics) and this is my first experience outside of traditional monogamy. It has been pretty smooth sailing.
He has some very close friendships with previous partners. I adore these women and I think it is a green flag that they still want to be close to him, it has been years since any previous sexual encounters. However, he is big on the opinion that people would be happier if platonic kissing and cuddling was more widely accepted and experienced. While logically, I very much agree with this, I have always struggled with the idea of him continuing to do these things with his close friends/previous partners. We established early on that he would put that on pause until I felt more comfortable. It has not been brought up since.
He stays with one of these friends a few times a year as she lives on his route to drive home and see family. Her apartment has limited space so they share a bed when he says there and we have talked about this dynamic and I am okay with it. I have been under the impression that they do not cuddle on these trips. This past weekend for the first time we both stayed at her house (I have met her one time before in our city). I think she is wonderful and we had a great time. However, twice on the trip both in the mornings, I noticed him go into her bedroom. I walked past the bedroom to peek in and both times he was giving her big bear hugs in bed and snuggling up to her to wake her up. He also gave her a big friendly peck on the lips when we arrived and when we left.
I’m confused by my feelings about this. Over the last year I have grown and I believe that I would be comfortable with opening the door back up on platonic cuddling a kissing of that nature…. But I feel lied to. There’s no way that they cuddled up like that while I was there and they haven’t been on his previous visits right? And I know they didn’t like makeout but… I don’t know.
When we got back, he asked how I felt about the peck on the lips. I said it was so quick I barely caught it, he chuckled and said “yea right? No big deal. I’m glad you didn’t mind, because I never stopped doing that. Just little pecks at the beginning and end of the trip, nothing more”. He has always been so honest, but I can’t help but feel like he has given me selective truths on this and made the decision for me of what he thinks I need to know.
Objectively, I watch him rail other girls on the regular, some friendly cuddles and kisses are no real big deal. But I can’t shake the feeling like this little bit of selective truth telling is a big deal and a red flag... How would you approach a conversation about this and how big of a deal would this be to you?