The birth rate is what it is because we have a choice now
I see all of these discussions about birth rate this, birth rate that on every sub. Everyone is brainstorming on possible policy solutions to increase the birth rate. Have we ever stopped to ask actual women? You know, the people who generally are doing most of the caregiving?
I’m a stay at home mom of one. We are one and done. Yes we’re below replacement level, sue me. I can’t and won’t have another one. Someone even wrote in a comment that after the first kid the costs of continuing to have more kids are “negligible” if you have a stay at home parent because the largest cost is childcare.
Umm??? The largest cost is your sanity. Young children are not for the weak. It’s insanely taxing to be a parent these days. We have so much more data telling us everything we’re doing is wrong and what is the optimal way to raise a child. I’m out with my kid 6+ hours a day (outdoors, museums, play cafes, playgrounds, etc.), and parenting 12+ hours without a break because he’s stopped napping at 21 months. Plus I’m doing the midnight soothings, the 3 am pat on the back, etc. you. don’t. get. a. break.
Being a parent is hard, thankless work, everyone tells you to get over it because you choose it (like choosing a hard, but rewarding job means you can’t complain sometimes?), and people are sometimes hostile to you in places not specifically designed for children.
I love my son more than life itself, but I think women are being SMART for opting out. God forbid you get a dud of a husband (you see these examples every third post on a parenting sub), at that point you become a married single mom who has to choose between seeing your kids every other week or staying with someone who is probably worse than a roommate. At least child free women aren’t stuck with lame exes for 18+ years.
The real birth rate problem is that these are lopsided choices. 1) have kids + the problems I’ve outlined, get fulfillment and joy back. 2) don’t have kids, get fulfillment and joy literally any other way, + you don’t have to be a caregiver and run yourself to the ground while trying not to ruin your kid’s life.
Now that we have a choice, it’s pretty self evident that one is way harder and you have more to lose. I picked motherhood because I couldn’t stop seeing that kitchen table with my future family and feeling that someone was missing. I don’t regret my choice. But I also don’t wonder why countries are experiencing low birth rates. Parenthood is just not compatible with our modern lifestyle and with how needy kids are for YEARS, people need waaay more help than they’re getting.