u/AsterGablacha

I'm 18 and for the last 5 or 6 years I have been strongly addicted to pornography. Maybe some people will see it as a an excuse for what I've done, but it's not my point. I want to fully recreate my own perspective, for you all to tell me if there's any hope for me at all.

I always had a very strong morals. I used to judge people for those little mistakes, and never wanted to hear no context, just straight on judging and judging. Watching porn made me kind of develop another consciousness. Even tho I was always a good person, being compassionate to other people I kind of started being emotionally blank when horny. It slowly got stronger and stronger, but it never influenced my relationships in any ways at all, so I never did anything about it.

Recently I started feeling uninterested in anything at all, even with girls. I used to be this kind of a "lover boy" and many times ended up with my heart broken. It didn't really matter to me, since I always felt better with the fact that I even feel love. All that mattered was to fully experience my relationships, and it made me feel alive. Now, recently I started being uninterested even after going on dates with multiple girls (I was kind of in a shock, because I never had this many females in my life).

Then after taking up philosophy in my school I got into a deep existential crisis. It deeply affected me, making me even more blank and even wanting to kill myself. I started converting to Christianity and started praying a lot out of desperation. Suddenly everything that I asked for happened, even the prayer when I asked for a person to help me get through it. I met my girlfriend then (my ex right now).

We were very happy and we had no arguments at all. I was very happy and it seemed very normal to me, since key to relationships is just empathy and communication. I always thought about her when doing something in my life and she did too. After 2 months out of nowhere I started feeling blank and even irritated by her. We got pretty quickly in a relationship, after a month I think. I started thinking, that maybe I had no time to fully evaluate our relationship and the idea of it before we even got into it. I mean that maybe it would be better to fully meet her before deciding to go further.

I already decided to break up with her, and since we both had school exams coming up I had to wait a month, so the break up wouldn't influence her exams at all. It was extremely tiring mentally for me and I felt so bad for pretending that everything is alright. Of course she is very intelligent and she had seen that something isn't off.

Because of all this stress I started masturbating even more, fucking up my mind with pornography. Then, 3 days before our break up I cheated on her when i got extremely drunk. I'm glad that it didn't lead to anything worse than it could, this party, and I realized what happened in the middle of it.

It's so hard to explain and I doubt that anyone will understand me, but I felt like something else takes control of my body. It's like my whole personality and my whole consciousness is different. I want different things, I act differently, I think differently just to fuck anything, like an animal.

I haven't told her and I thought a lot about it. I talked with my mother and my therapist and they told me that it's not a good idea. I'm already breaking up with her, and telling her "the truth" just for the sake of it would be extremely unfair to her. If I told her about it, she could develop many insecurities blaming her for not being enough. I want the best for her, I don't want her to pay the price for my own mistakes and for the things I've done.

I already focused on doing everything to help myself and erase this problem, and do ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING to be a better person, and stop thinking so fucking sexually about everything. Truly, I am disgusted by myself and I'm tired of my own ass explaining my every mistake and do nothing about it. I already made an appointment with a sexologist and I'll do everything to overcome this addiction. I never regretted anything in my life and never did anything this bad too.

You can laugh at me for being the dumbest fucking shit for not thinking before about her happiness, that's what my friends did. I told some people from my social circle about it, so they would know what kind of person I am. The closest to me told me that I fucked up, but since I have a lot planned I should focus on it and use my pain and shame to change myself for better. The other ones weren't so comforting and I don't expect them to be.

They started forcing me to meet up with her and tell her about it. I said that I don't agree with that so I presented my plan, and why I don't want to tell her, because I don't think she deserves that. I got comments like: "Well, you should've thought about it before", "Own up to it", "Don't be a fucking pussy and tell her." I tried to tell them that for me it would just break her, and it's better for me to fully cut myself from her life.

Right now I feel like I can't do anything to make it up. I feel dirty, and I feel like I can't do nothing about it anymore, and my "healing" program is a fucking illusion to a destroyed life already. I'm scared that I'll have to carry this shame for the rest of my life and I want to kill myself.

I'm 18 and for the last 5 or 6 years I have been strongly addicted to pornography. It already started fucking up my life since I was 12-13 year's old. Maybe some people will see it as a an excuse for what I've done, but it's not my point. I want to fully recreate my own perspective, for you all to tell me if there's any hope for me at all.

I always had a very strong morals. I used to judge people for those little mistakes, and never wanted to hear no context, just straight on judging and judging. Watching porn made me kind of develop another consciousness. Even tho I was always a good person, being compassionate to other people I kind of started being emotionally blank when horny. It slowly got stronger and stronger, but it never influenced my relationships in any ways at all, so I never did anything about it.

Recently I started feeling uninterested in anything at all, even with girls. I used to be this kind of a "lover boy" and many times ended up with my heart broken. It didn't really matter to me, since I always felt better with the fact that I even feel love. All that mattered was to fully experience my relationships, and it made me feel alive. Now, recently I started being uninterested even after going on dates with multiple girls (I was kind of in a shock, because I never had this many females in my life).

Then after taking up philosophy in my school I got into a deep existential crisis. It deeply affected me, making me even more blank and even wanting to kill myself. I started converting to Christianity and started praying a lot out of desperation. Suddenly everything that I asked for happened, even the prayer when I asked for a person to help me get through it. I met my girlfriend then (my ex right now).

We were very happy and we had no arguments at all. I was very happy and it seemed very normal to me, since key to relationships is just empathy and communication. I always thought about her when doing something in my life and she did too. After 2 months out of nowhere I started feeling blank and even irritated by her. We got pretty quickly in a relationship, after a month I think. I started thinking, that maybe I had no time to fully evaluate our relationship and the idea of it before we even got into it. I mean that maybe it would be better to fully meet her before deciding to go further.

I already decided to break up with her, and since we both had school exams coming up I had to wait a month, so the break up wouldn't influence her exams at all. It was extremely tiring mentally for me and I felt so bad for pretending that everything is alright. She is very intelligent and she had seen that something is off.

Because of all this stress I started masturbating even more, fucking up my mind with pornography. Then, 3 days before our break up I cheated on her when i got extremely drunk. I'm glad that it didn't lead to anything worse than it could, at this party, and I realized what happened in the middle of it.

It's so hard to explain and I doubt that anyone will understand me, but I felt like something else takes control of my body when I'm horny. It's like my whole personality and my whole consciousness is different. I want different things, I act differently, I think differently just to fuck anything, like an animal.

I haven't told her and I thought a lot about it. I talked with my mother and my therapist and they told me that it's not a good idea. I'm already breaking up with her, and telling her "the truth" just for the sake of it would be extremely unfair to her. If I told her about it, she could develop many insecurities blaming her for not being enough. I want the best for her, I don't want her to pay the price for my own mistakes and for the things I've done.

I already focused on doing everything to help myself and erase this problem, and do ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING to be a better person, and stop thinking so fucking sexually about everything. Truly, I am disgusted by myself and I'm tired of my own ass explaining my every mistake and doing nothing about it. I already made an appointment with a sexologist and I'll do everything to overcome this addiction. I never regretted anything in my life and never did anything this bad too.

You can laugh at me for being the dumbest fucking shit for not thinking before about her happiness, that's what my friends did. I told some people from my social circle about it, so they would know what kind of person I am. The closest to me told me that I fucked up, but since I have a lot planned I should focus on it and use my pain and shame to change myself for better. The other ones weren't so comforting and I don't expect them to be.

They started forcing me to meet up with her and tell her about it. I said that I don't agree with that so I presented my plan, and why I don't want to tell her, because I don't think she deserves that. I got comments like: "Well, you should've thought about it before", "Own up to it", "Don't be a fucking pussy and tell her." I tried to tell them that for me it would just break her, and it's better for me to fully cut myself from her life. One of the told me, that I came to them for advice, and I don't have to give a damn about anything, but since I came I should do what they're telling me to do.

Right now I feel like I can't do anything to make it up. I feel dirty, and I feel like I can't do nothing about it anymore, and that my "healing" program is a fucking illusion of rebuilding a destroyed life already. I'm scared that I'll have to carry this shame for the rest of my life and I want to kill myself. I feel like I don't deserve any love, and any understanding. It's so hard to live, when I am my own self's enemy.

I don’t agree with it at all. In my opinion it is a huge contradiction with god being all-loving and all-just. First I’ll bring up one logical/philosophical argument, then I’ll bring in some scripture.

First of all, we live in an imperfect world, and judging us based on imperfect principles is not something that an all-just God would do. I’ll be showing 2 examples of situations, where lack of faith isn’t logically a crime, and sending those people to hell would mean that God is not all-just, so he’s not perfect too.

Romans 2: 14-15

14 For when Gentiles, who do not have the law, by nature do what the law requires, they are a law to themselves, even though they do not have the law. 15 They show that the work of the law is written on their hearts, while their conscience also bears witness, and their conflicting thoughts accuse or even excuse them.

2. Another problem that I came up with. As I said, we live in an imperfect world. It is widely known, that church as an institution abuses its power strongly in the history. The Crusades? Witch hunts? The sale of Indulgences? Now, anyone with a common sense and a good heart sees those and many other events as extremely wrong with what the Scripture says. Also sadly not everyone is intelligent enough to still believe in God and separate the faith alone from the Church.

Now why would God blame those people and punish them, for being far from him, when his representatives destroy Christian reputation? It doesn’t make any sense, and is surely not fair for an all-just God to punish those people, and to anyone that has the ability of critical and analytical thinking, how can you believe that? Maybe there is something that I can’t see, or that I don’t really understand. I’m open to growth and discussions, I want to know what you guys think.

Do you really think that Jesus wants everyone to believe in him? Worship him? The only way to heaven is through Christ. Well maybe Christ is the embodiment of love, compassion, empathy, care. I’m sure that he’d rather people worshipped each other, loved each other instead of sinning and creating big churches to worship him, wouldn’t he?

PS. I am very respectful and I respect people who think otherwise!!! Just please if you don’t agree with me, show me your point of view since I am aware that I also make mistakes in logical thinking. Thank you.