For me, it’s “Impostor Syndrome” by Sidney Gish. I’m so5 (513).
I was just wondering if anyone else related as well, and what other people’s relatable songs would be. I also just thought this song was extremely understandable and made total sense with my Enneagram (I find myself accidentally analyzing myself through Typology).
I use my feet all the time for things like using the doorknob or picking something up, especially after washing my hands because the towels will make my hands dirty after I JUST washed them so I always have to air dry. I used sit in front of an AC or use the air-dry machines in public bathrooms but the air that comes out of them is dirty so I have to have soaking hands majority of the time, and I always wash my hands before I eat because my hands are always at least a little dirty and so I can’t eat without washing them or I’ll be poisoning my food and I won’t be able to eat them. I constantly wash my phone, because every time I pick up my phone it just feels super dirty and disgusting, even though it’s in my pocket majority of the time and my pockets are usually the only clean spaces. I always put my phone in my left pocket when I have other things in my pockets that I’ll take out later, but if there’s nothing else in my pockets and I’m not going to get my phone again any time soon, it will be in my right pocket, which is where it usually is since the only other things I often put in my pockets are soda tabs. When I take toilet paper, paper towels, or anything like that, I always have to rip off the entire chunk of paper that’s exposed and toss it before using the paper because otherwise I’ll be using gross paper. And I can’t STAND paper with little specks in them, even if it’s “Normal” because it just makes it look dirty and I can’t use it because what if it’s actually dirt or something else and not just the toilet paper??? I have slippers for indoors and slippers for outdoors. Or, well, every place outside of my room, really. The bottom of my “Outdoors” slippers are dirty because they’ve been outside my room, so I hate using them inside of my room. My showers are very long and every time I shower, I scrub my skin really hard until skin comes off, even if it’s not dead or “Dirty” because it’s dirty to me. Every time I burp, I say excuse me. When I was little, I used to pray to god (Even though I never believed in god) that every time I burped, I’d have to say excuse me or else he could kill me, torture me, and ruin my life as well as everyone I share relations with. From then on, I still do that (Although I don’t ever really burp at all) and I say it every time, even if nobody is around or heard me, I have to at least whisper it to myself. I’ll even say “Excuse me” for all the times I did BEFORE I prayed the promise, just to apologize and “Fix” my past mistakes of not saying “Excuse me.” Every single time I eat something, yes, EVERY SINGLE TIME, when I chew, it has to be even on both sides of my mouth. I’m going to use goldfish as an example. I need to eat one fish on my right side and one on my left side and eat them at the SAME TIME. Otherwise, if I eat one goldfish on my left, I have to eat one on my right, and then after that do it backwards (Eat one on right, THEN left) or else it’s not even enough. And both goldfish HAVE to be either both full, perfect, not broken, OR have to be the “Same amount of broken” or whatever or else they aren’t even. When it’s something like popcorn where each piece is likely a slightly different size, I have to take two pieces that are the same size and then eat them like I eat in the goldfish example. When I eat a big popcorn on my right side, and a small one on my left, it’s like the “Left side then right side, then backwards” with the goldfish where I have to then eat a big popcorn the same size as the previous big popcorn but on my left side, and then a small one the same size as the previous small popcorn but on my right side. I like to read books, but I often either read 1 of two ways:
1 A quick speed-through
2 Taking my time and understanding it deeply
If I speed-through, I have to read the ENTIRE thing (Usually just the paragraph, if that’s what it is) as a speed-through. If I stop at one point and read it slowly, I have to restart it backwards (Read it slowly, then in the middle of it, quickly) to make it even. Same the other way around. If I haven’t already done so, I’ll then read it how I originally intended (Whether it be quickly or slowly) and then I can continue reading normally, if there’s more to read. Also, when reading slowly, I often repeat sentences until it feels like I read them good enough to ACTUALLY understand them, and then I have to restart the paragraph (If that’s what it is) and read it again properly. Also, I can NOT stop in the middle of a chapter. I have to finish the chapter before placing my bookmark in it and calling it done for the time. In the rare case I do stop, I must have read at LEAST half the page. If the ending of that half-page was an unfinished paragraph that continued on the next page, I can’t read the last paragraph and I’ll usually be upset about not finishing the whole page, but this is the rare case. I’m a vegetarian, I also have an OSFED (Which contains ARFID traits), so I am VERY picky about food. If meat touches my food, I can’t eat it, even if the part that touched the meat is gone and the dish is fully vegetarian. If my food touched something (Like a sauce) that touched meat previously, I can’t eat that either. I’m always skeptical of people who offer me food that I think has meat in it in whatever form. Even if they say it’s vegetarian, I feel disgusted and refuse to eat it. Besides, I can’t eat other people’s food unless we have a strict schedule that says we share food at a certain time! And if my food leaves the plate/bowl/whatever, it’s no longer edible and cannot touch the rest of my food or else it’s not edible either. Also, yes, I AM in fact extremely organized. I have to stack things, like books, in the order of big to small. Thick, to thin. If vertically, thick/big at the bottom, where thin/small is at the top. If horizontally, thick/big on the left, where thin/small is on the right. It absolutely bothers me to see a crooked picture or a pencil left out on the table. Things must be where they go, and if not, they must be neatly placed. But this is only usually really when it’s a favorite of a specific kind of item. Like, my favorite pen, my favorite abacus, or my favorite ushanka. Oh, yes, I cannot leave the house without my ushanka and a specific adidas sweater OR a turtleneck. If I do, not only will I have horrible luck, but everyone will stare at me and think I’m ugly and horrible and that I’m a bad person. I do take this very seriously, and I cry if they go missing when I have to go out for some reason. Also, I have a special chair. It’s actually my fathers, but I basically stole it and claimed it as “My chair” and I get PISSED if anyone else sits in it, because thanks, now I can’t sit in my favorite chair until every speck of “You” is off of it. You dirty my chair, you make it warm, you make it feel weird and I hate it. This has been a thing for me since I was little about many things, such as my spot on the couch, and mostly my bed. I have a little sister who would constantly disrespect these boundaries, and I used to HATE her for it. I care for her, I always have, but she just used to make life miserable for me. I also can’t take baths at all. I can only take showers. But if I’m at a hotel or some place that isn’t mine, I can’t shower either. I absolutely hate hotels, I have to bring a sleeping bag to use the beds, even if they’re perfectly clean. Also, I don’t know if this is an OCD thing or not, but I’ll NEVER eat something even close to it’s expiration date. If it’s not something like water or honey and it doesn’t have an expiration date, I can’t trust it. I can’t trust water if it has an expiration date, either. But I think that’s normal, right? Anyway, I often make tea. My guardian recommended I tried some kind of sugar in my tea, so I tried it just this once. Usually, one of the ONLY teas I drink is this, a tea that’s/with:
1 Earl Grey/English Breakfast
2 Half&Half/Milk
3 Honey (Must be wild or pure)
And if it’s peppermint, the most it can have is honey. Otherwise, it’s honey & lemon ginger tea but I can ONLY drink that tea when I’m sick. I can’t drink peppermint when I’m sick. I got off track, but anyway, I tried out this sugar I was recommended. He said it was in the cabinet, and he poured some in. Right after he poured it, I checked the expiration date and it was almost EXPIRED. I got upset and was mad at him for ruining and wasting my tea. I couldn’t drink it anymore, it was ruined. I offered it to him but he didn’t take it, so I had to pour it down the drain and I keep getting bad thoughts that I’m a horrible, wasteful person. I also get internal rules that once I start eating a food, I HAVE to eat the rest of it. Another reason I hate eating other people’s food. Also, whenever people do things, like in shows or movies, I get mad at them for “Eating something wrong” or “Doing things un-evenly,” basically something other than what I’d do and I would either dislike the character or the show/movie itself. Also, I’m the laundry-person of where I live. I used to also be the dishes-washer due to constantly being anxious about things not actually being cleaned properly (Even though I’ll end up rinsing them after I take them out of the cupboard/drawer right before I use them to eat), but I’m not anymore and I dislike that. But, anyway, I do laundry. It must be folded how I fold them, otherwise I can’t wear it until I re-fold it how I do it. I get angry and upset when people do my laundry for me and they do it “Wrong.” Also, if clean clothes even go NEAR the ground, they’re dirty and need to be re-washed immediately and cannot touch the other clean clothes because it will ruin it too. Also, I have an internal schedule for the random, small things. Such as brushing my hair or unplugging the TV. Every night before I sleep, I MUST unplug the TV as the very last thing I do right after brushing my hair until it makes no noise when I brush it (I have straight hair). I also turn my phone all the way off before sleeping. I want everyone in the house to fully shut-down their devices before they sleep, but it’s hopeless to beg them to since it seems stupid to them. I don’t have a full reason why, but it’s mostly because I’m scared of radiation giving me cancer or disturbing me while I’m sleeping. Even if the device is far away from me. Also, no devices anywhere near my head when I sleep. Even if it’s fully turned off. Another thing is that I cannot unwrap things by ripping them open. For example, something wrapped in tinfoil. I must unwrap it carefully so that the tinfoil doesn’t rip, or it ruins my mood. I don’t really like wrapping paper, since it’s super sensitive people usually tape it, which makes it impossible to unwrap perfectly. I don’t often receive gifts, anyway. Especially those with wrapping paper, so it’s not as bad for me. Every time I have eggs, I use the float test. If it fails, I can’t eat it, even if the insides look fine. And sometimes, even if the egg passes, I’ll toss it if it “Looks weird.” With milk, even if it’s months from expiring, I can’t use/drink it if it smells weird. I often ask others to smell it too, but I’m still usually suspicious of the milk regardless and almost never use/drink milk anyway. I also CANNOT drink tap water. I can tell if water is tap, and it’s disgusting to me. I occasionally drink filtered water, but it still tastes weird to me. I only drink spring water, I go to the spring once every few months. If we run out of spring water, I can’t drink any kind of water until I go to the spring to get more. If I don’t have juice or anything, I will literally often go thirsty for days. Also, one time when I was small, I ate an uncrustable. If you don’t know what that is, it’s basically a circular peanut-butter sandwich with the openings closed off. One time I ate one, and my own hair got in the way while I was eating it, and I thought that I must’ve been eating my hair somehow the entire time. I got disgusted by this and threw up. I hadn’t eaten an uncrustable for 4 years after that. Also, I have pants for inside and pants for outside. I refuse to sit on my bed or chair if I’m wearing outside clothes that I just used to go out. I also forgot to add that I have my own specific silverware, bowls, and plates that I use. I refuse to use any of the other ones that are available in the house.
TL;DR:
I use my feet for picking up things and using doorhandles etc.
When I wash my hands, I cannot dry them with a towel or be around an AC or use an air-dry machine, so I usually have wet hands.
I must wash my hands before I eat, but due to the previous fact, I often eat with wet hands. Even if I’m using silverware.
I have my own special silverware and dishes that I use and I have to wash them each time before I use them, even if they’re already clean from the cupboard/drawer. I refuse to use any other dishes/silverware available in the house.
All devices must be turned fully-off and away from my head before I sleep.
I have an internal schedule that I must follow, such as one thing having to be the very last thing I do before sleeping.
I rip exposed pieces of toilet paper/paper towels off and toss them before using the roll, even if it’s brand-new.
I’m extremely avoidant of foods etc. that have a nearby expiration date, and must toss all my food and restart if I add something that’s close to expiring.
I cannot eat anyone else’s food unless we have a strict schedule where we share a kind of food at a certain time.
Once I eat a food, I cannot stop until I’ve eaten it all, no matter how full I get (Unless there’s a found issue with a food).
I read in a specific way. If I’m reading slowly, I often repeat specific sentences until I feel like I understand them enough to continue.
I cannot put a bookmark in a book until I’ve finished the chapter, or at the very least, the page.
I cannot do outside without wearing specific items of clothing, I also have indoor and outdoor versions of clothing.
I often only drink spring water, and refuse to drink water at all if I run out until I get more. I also despise tap water.
There’s more, but I wouldn’t want to make the TL;DR too long.
I also may or may not have impostor syndrome, and I spend a lot of time thinking about whether or not I actually have OCD. Which is why I’m posting this.
Might I actually have OCD? I’ll respond to any necessary related questions if asked.
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