u/AtmosphereOk3478

Hey everyone,

I hope this is the right place. I've been dealing with really stubborn limerence for almost exactly one year now and can't seem to shake it.

Short version of the story:

Last year (right around my law state exam) a 20-year-old woman from the gym messaged me on Instagram. She was very forward from the start: daily texting, strong compliments ("you make me feel so good", "I find you very attractive"), making future plans, sending pictures from her daily life with comments like "you'll get to know this soon".

We had 5 dates. On the 5th date things got physical. She had asked beforehand if she should bring overnight stuff and actually brought it. At the place outiside where we had some drinks at finest weather, beautiful place, I initiated the first kiss — she kissed me back. Later at my place we had an intimate night (lots of cuddling, making out, she initiated oral and even swallowed). The next morning she was affectionate, stroked me, kissed me goodbye and asked: "Are we doing this again?"

A few hours later the switch flipped completely. She texted: "Why did you want to have sex with me?", "I felt overwhelmed", then at our final meeting 2 days later, she was very dismissive and said, when i wanted to initiate cuddling, "Don't get your hopes up" and "It was all too fast for me". Shortly after that she ghosted me.

Two months later she showed up at the gym (exactly when I was training with a friend of her which was also my gym buddy, dressed up, weird grin, staring at me. This was really weird, but she didnt text me after, neither did I.

My struggle:

Even though I know all the red flags (fresh out of a toxic relationship, former amphetamine addiction, heavy drinking, constant boredom, self-piercings, satanic tattoo), I still idealize her massively. The mixed signals are killing me. I keep thinking "What if I had held back more with the physical stuff?" even though she was the one who brought overnight things and asked to repeat it the next morning.

Rationally I know it was a classic push-pull situation and she couldn't handle real closeness. But emotionally I still think about her almost every day, especially the good moments. It feels like I missed a huge chance.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Short but extremely intense phase with strong pursuit from her side → sudden ghosting right after intimacy → months/years of limerence afterwards?

How did you get out of it? Especially interested in how you dealt with the constant self-blame and idealization.

Thanks and best regards

Ich habe nun seit etwas über einem halben Jahr trotz zwischenzeitlichem Motivationsloch, in dem ich einige Jahre nichts für das Studium getan habe, das 1. Examen erfolgreich abgeschlossen. Ich habe es geschafft, indem ich mir eine extreme Selbstdisziplin angelegt habe, gleichzeitig intensiv Kraftsport gemacht und dabei kaum noch lässigen Freizeitaktivitäten nachgegangen bin, die kamen mir wie Zeitverschwendung vor. Nun, in der Wartezeit fürs Ref als WissMit in einer Kanzlei tätig, stecke ich irgendwie immer noch voll in diesem Mindset. Mein Leben besteht fast nur noch aus Arbeit und Gym. Habe das Gefühl überhaupt nicht richtig zu leben, alles ist nur Vorbereitung, "Grind", das Ref kommt ja auch noch und dann dass 2. StEx. Letzte Beziehung kurz vor dem 1. StEx beendet, seitdem gar kein Dating mehr. Allein der Gedanke dieses Aufwandes stresst mich. Wie kommt man da raus? Hat wer eine ähnliche Phase gehabt?