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Hey everyone, I'm trying to get my ducks in a row so I can make my break.
We have no kids, rent an apartment, have a shared bank account but other than that we dont have much that we share along those lines.
Would like some feedback or just general knowledge to help me get ready.
Hey everyone, I've posted here a couple times and I'm trying to get my ducks in a row so I can make my break.
We have no kids, rent an apartment, have a shared bank account but other than that we dont have much that we share along those lines.
Would like some feedback or just general knowledge to help me get ready.
The talk I had with her when I woke up in the middle of the night to her masturbating, trying to join in, getting rejected, and then her refusing to go somewhere else to do it, causing me to get up and leave the room. We hadn't had sex in over a month:
You made me felt rejected last night, especially with all the things you've said the last couple times you were drunk.
You're watching porn, reading smut, watching shows with lots of sex and theres no intamacy between us.
You're always having to be drunk/high when we have sex.
Makes me feel helpless like being led by a carrot on a string because the goal post keeps moving. (Lots of future promises but nothing being delivered on those promises)
Also told her during the discussion:
I don't like a few days after we have talks about intimacy, you try to be intimate, it feels like a band aid.
She tried to say well that might be how you perceived it but can I tell you what really happened.
After a couple of days:
She had been struggling with not drinking. (She's a mean drunk and always says hurtful things, but then the next day when I call her out on it she's "Just joking.") So instead of drinking she got weed gummies. I've been working on my own sobriety from both alcohol and weed, she ended up buying weed gummies and and bringing them into the house.
She told me the first day she got the gummies that, even if I was ok with it or not she was still going to do it.
Last Saturday after she brought up things have been weird with us and she said I've been distant:
I brought up how I've been feeling about my needs not being met and that I haven't been feeling loved for a while, she said she has improved.
I asked what she feels she's improved on, she replied; therapy, meds, intamacy, being more touchy, not getting mad at me when I annoy her. (Note I have Audhd so my annoying her is just me being me).
Told me she will try harder but she can't and isnt supposed to meet all my needs, and that i should look else where to have them met. I.E. have friends, go talk to family, etc.
I told her how I was upset by everything thats happend this week, I said I should be the one that's upset, she said we can both be upset.
We talked about how she spirals instead of just admitting wrong. She blamed her family and past traumas.
Later that night:
Drank almost a whole bottle of tequila, threw up on the floor and herself, and then went to sleep in the bed.
The next morning:
She was getting mad I was taking drives and doing things without her because she said it feels like I was trying to get away from her.
She said she was scared I wanted a divorce, said she was sorry about things but it just reminded her about her past and not feeling good enough.
Yesterday:
She said i was being distant and pulling away, I said I'm still hurt and that its going to take some time before I want to be intimate. (she wants to rush me so she can say she's working on things.)
I told her how im not waiting on her to get my needs met. She asked what i meant, I told her; I've been going on walks/drives, playing video games and watching movies that I want to, reading, just generally spending time by myself, she got upset and started to pout.
She said that relationships have ups and downs and that we need reminders for when we aren't meeting eachothers needs. I told her I've given her 8+ years of reminders, we've gone to marriage counseling, and I've always remembered and focused on her needs so she would feel loved.
She said I need to talk to coworkers and family about my needs, I asked her to clarify, she said that I need to talk to them about our intimacy issues to get their perspective on our relationship issues.
We were going to go get dinner together but then she said, I think we should just get our own food.
She also said "Well I guess I'll just wait until you tell me I can do something for you" condescendingly
Later that night:
After she got back from her drive/lake visit(she ended up going there instead of getting herself dinner) she said you can be hurt, you can be mad at me, but you can't stonewall me, otherwise we can't connect/ reconnect. (I'm not stonewalling, but I am yellow rocking).
This morning:
Didn't say good morning or anything the next day just asked for my phone charger.
Unfortunately/Fortunately after talking with my therapist for a while and telling her about the issues my wife and I are having, we've both come to the conclusion she's a Vulnerable Narcissist.
I'm anxious about everything and what to do going forward, but I'm so relieved that I now know it isn't my fault.
The years of recurring fights/arguments about; lack of intimacy, not meeting my emotional needs, blame shifting, the excuses she makes saying that she will get better but then goes right back to the way things were within a few days to a couple weeks. The list goes on.
I'm so thankful for my therapist telling me the way she treats me is not ok, otherwise it probably would have just continued and I would have been none the wiser.