u/Automatic_Grab7786

i know most people who experience pocd typically are plagued with fear surrounding being a pedophile. my particular struggle more so revolves around my own victimization. i am 19, i’ve been sexually victimized by adults and children throughout my life. i know it’s my brains way of coping, but it seems like i romanticize my own experiences with assault and have convinced myself i not only enjoyed it, but that i was the true perpetrator. i genuinely believe to my core that i was the person in power; even as a child, i remember being incredibly socially aware and mature regarding my own violation—as it was happening, too. now, i find that i age regress during sex, and always leave feeling as though i was taken advantage of, even though i’m an adult. my brain accuses anyone who has sex with me or is sexually attracted to me, especially those 5+ years older, of being a pedophile. i also find that pedophilic themes are the only thing that turn me on, but only when i reimagine my own trauma. it makes me feel disgusting. i know i do not actually feel this way, because when old men approach me, i get extremely angry and shut them down immediately. and whenever i do end up in bad situations, i dissociate through it and end up retaining more trauma. i don’t know what the hell is wrong with me. i think about this everyday and anytime i think about sex… i cannot escape this particular theme.

i have bdd and ocd, and i also suffer from extremely black and white thinking—i believe that this has left me nearly incapable of fighting off negative, compulsive thoughts. i have tried every way in the book, all types of therapy, to fix my brain and stop being so critical of myself. but i cant. ive realized, it is a fundamental belief of mine that i need to be perfect and that if i am not, no one will truly love me. i have extremely uneven teeth, for one, and i know its illogical… but every since i was 12/13, i have subconsciously believed i am unloveable because of my teeth. then i started noticing other things. i have an obsession with symmetry, which isnt working out so well for a girl with scoliosis and jaw misalignment. no matter what happens in my life, it circles back to my appearance (not in reality, but in my mind). when people hurt me or leave me, i cope by obsessing over my appearance and becoming as “desirable as possible”. i try not to project my issues, i don’t tell anyone, though i think they notice. i spend several hours a day staring in the mirror or at pictures of myself. i make time for this. even though i will hate myself for it, im absolutely going to get cosmetic surgery (despite knowing its my greatest compulsion and i should fight it off). i’m scared of getting botched too, but not as scared as i am of staying like this. the crazy part is that i know i’m pretty. i can acknowledge it. but i want to be perfect. i’m so tired of being this way. i just want to exist. i wish i didnt have to have a body. i can never breathe. my dream is to be a musician, sing for others. but i hate the way my face looks when i sing. so i let the passion die. i truly wish i was someone else. i don’t know why im like this