u/Autumn_Fire

Thank you so much for being so unbelievably stupid in the way you went about our third session. I told you that my last therapist and I were discussing the worst trauma memory I have ever touched upon then my insurance switched. This sudden lack of therapy sent me into a death spiral for my addiction.

So what was your solution? Well, it's obvious to any therapeutic professional worth their salt: try to force this memory out of me even though I repeatedly said I'm not ready to talk about it. Remember that addiction I talked about, the one I was finally starting to get ahead of after ten months of sheer hell? Yeah well I relapsed because, like i LITERALLY TOLD YOU, talking about it now will cause me to relapse. Since the past three days it's filled my skull with no proper way to release, I fell back into it as a way to calm this down. Thanks a lot. Thank you for pushing a button I literally told you not to press. Thank you for making sure that this horrid addiction that I was getting a handle on now knocked me on my ass. At least we made "progress" whatever the fuck that means. We arbitrarily got from A to B without any amount of care or caution but hey, we got there huh? If there's anything I've learned from therapy, it's that trauma therapy is one you barrel through with absolutely no regard for consequences. Nothing negative has ever come of that one. Shit man. I've got one therapist left in me before I dismiss it all together. You have to be shitting me with this man. Fuck.

I'm sorta... tired at the moment. I'm four therapists in 6 months and all of them seem to have no understanding of what an ED is like, except for the third who said I was too severe for her to aid me so she cut me loose. The other three went from hardly any comments to being perplexed that I had coping skills but didn't use them sometimes (as if this isn't an addiction in which some days are really bad and other days you do well). She thought it strange that I basically wasn't already completely recovered and free of my dependence on it as if that isn't quite literally the reason I sought out therapy to begin with.

I want help. I reach out for it and all I get is the message of "no one will save you, you're in this alone." I do my best. I deleted my X account that was full of ED stuff. I deleted so many harmful photos off my phone, the only thing I still consistently do is >!weight checks!<. It isn't like I'm not trying here. Yet last therapy session I had, as I say there asking for help and guidance, was "why aren't you trying hard enough, I can't help you if you don't try." I don't know what to do man. I want to heal, I truly do. But therapists seem to range from antagonistic to completely useless. Am I in this alone forever? Is this how it's gonna be forever? I can't recover on my own, believe me I have tried with all my might but this is not a problem I can solo. I'm so tired man. I am so, so tired. I just want a gentle hand that understands what suffering this is like.