Difficult sister in law
Hi, looking for advice from people who may have experienced something similar, especially within close family or cultural expectations around in laws.
I (F) am not married yet, I am engaged and currently trying to build a good relationship with my future in laws, especially my partner’s parents.
I have a sister in law (31) who is very close with her own mother. She is the only daughter, and has 4 brothers. Even in short social situations she will repeatedly call her mum multiple times within a couple of hours, even when she is on holiday. She really struggles with FOMO.
She is married with children and lives far from her own family, with in laws, but still spends a lot of time with them and stays over frequently. She has been married for a fair few years now. Her relationship with her husband and in laws can be quite up and down.
When she has conflict with her husband, she tends to share it quite openly with her family, which naturally makes them worry due to the distance between them. Most of the time she will come stay with her own family with her children when things aren’t good. She also doesn’t have many friendships outside of family and seems to struggle with feeling left out, which can sometimes lead to her not wanting me to have separate relationships or plans within the wider family without her being included.
She also doesn’t seem very close with the other brothers’ wives, and can sometimes be quite quick to discuss or share things about what others are doing within the wider family. This sometimes makes me feel a bit uneasy or cautious about what gets shared and how things are perceived.
At the same time, the dynamic can feel quite inconsistent. She can also be quite confrontational and has already tried to call me out over things I did not even realise I had done. There are also times where she can be quite exclusionary in her own behaviour, for example inviting her brother over but not extending the invite to his wife, even though she is sensitive herself about being excluded.
My mother in law seems very kind and supportive, and I want to maintain a good relationship with her. However, the dynamic with my sister in law can sometimes feel quite sensitive and unpredictable, and it often feels like the wider family adjust their behaviour to avoid upsetting her or triggering conflict. They tend to overcompensate for the relationship she doesn’t have with her husband at times.
I understand family closeness is not inherently a problem and I respect strong family bonds. However it is starting to affect my ability to feel relaxed and build natural relationships within my in laws as I feel like they fear upsetting her, and everything has to be ran past her. I also feel like they value her opinion strongly, so they constantly update her on everything - she’s had many opinions about the wedding already but she will never openly share them with me (which is fine), but makes me a bit wary.
I will also be living with my in laws short term, so I am trying to understand how to navigate this dynamic in a healthy way day to day without causing wider family tension or long term damage to relationships.
The bottom line for me is that I really want to have a good bond with my future husband and his parents, and I’m trying to do that while managing this situation respectfully.
I would really appreciate advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation. How did you set boundaries or change the dynamic in practice, and what actually helped without escalating things?