Life rant (tw- mentions of sa, r@pe, mental health and bullying)
Im currently 21 years old but I feel like I’ve lived a century. My best friend recently told me “you have been through so fucking much and I’m honestly surprised you’re still here, but I’m proud of you” and it honestly really impacted me. I truly have been through a lot and I’ve never really moved past it or worked on my trauma and I feel so mentally drained.
When I was 7-9 years old my brother would periodically make me dk sexual things with him and it really changed me as a person. It made me more paranoid and anxious and scared of sexual intimacy. Hell my brain blocked out and i didn’t fully remember it until I was 16. I’ve been sexually harassed, cat called and hit on by multiple boys/ men since I was 10 years old.
Every single day from first to 8th grade I was severely bullied. Kids would call me fat, ugly, annoying a pig, a cow, they would make fun of me for every little thing they could find. I was a very bubbly out going person, I’d say I still am despite it all but so many people have tried to snuff out that light.
Once COVID hit I was in 8th grade i became severely depressed and I tried to go through with suicide multiple times. This was the start of a long dark rabbit whole of depression, suicidal ideation more suicide attempts than I can count, drug use, falling into the wrong crowds, eating disorders and much much more
My mom was an alcoholic for a long time and was in and out of rehab from when I was 10-14 and she used to drink and drive with me, she used to come to my school drunk and she almost killed us in the car once when I was little. My mom had also suffered with psychosis episodes since I was little. I remember being pulled off the bed at 7 years old at 2 in the morning being told there were men with guns outside and my mom actually ended up calling the cops. I have way more stories about her too
In 11th grade my mental health Became more than I could handle. I was going through bullying again and it was even by my own friends. My best friend at the time texted me one night that she was going to kill herself and that she was self harming I genuinely thought she was going to die. So I called 911 later that night I got several threatening texts and calls from her. All I wanted to do was help. I was already in a dark space and the next day I got very drunk and I took over 4,000 mg or different medications. I then went to bed and slept for 8 hours because it knocked me out. I woke up and could barely speak or walk I instantly panicked and I told my mom. She rushed me to the hospital and I was told I was lucky to be alive. 2-4 more hours and I would have died. I went to a mental hospital for 5 days and when I got out that so called best friend had told the entire school I tried to commit suicide and that I was in the hospital. Her and several other girls took a point in my life that i literally almost died and turned it against me. I will say I said things i shouldn’t have but I was in so much pain and I’ve since apologized to those I needed to. But there was one girl in particular who took things to a new level she spread awful mean rumors about me and my mental health and she tried to jump me in the school bathrooms. When that didn’t work she screamed st me infront of at least 30 girls shoved into a bathroom and people still have recordings
I moved to a new school for a month of my junior year and my senior year and I had absolutely no friends I spent that entire year getting high and drunk in the school bathrooms because I felt so alone and none of my old friends ever reached back out when I tried to text them. I graduated with no friends, no one to run to after crossing the stage, no one to take pictures with. Nothing. And the 3 girls i thought were kinda my friends and at least tolerated me all blocked me the day we graduated. They used me for my stuff.
From when I was 17-19 I was in a very toxic relationship where I was controlled and used sexually and for my money. I really don’t wanna get into that lol
Since then I’ve graduated in 2024 and I’m so lost in life and I feel so behind. I can’t imagine living more life with more heartache and mental health issues when I’ve already spent the last 21 in pain. I could really use some kind words and motivation 🩷