I need 400 dollars to put insurance and registration back on my car. I started a new job and lost it during the process of switching jobs. I received a large pay increase.
So I have been living in Erie County for the last 5 years of my life, and I graduated from Edinboro last year with a bachelor's in psychology. I have worked in the various places in and around erie, and now I am stuck with the inability to find a new job. I am a transgender woman, and the last place that I worked for was out in Marionville, PA at Abraxas, and unfortunately, I was terminated there for reasons out of my control. If you want more info about why, message me directly.
It's been 4 months since I was forced to leave there, and while I have filed in the EOEC and the PAHRB, that is unfortunately a very long and slow process. I have been applying for jobs everyday, remote, erie, meadville, and beyond. I am about 3,654 applications deep, about 124 interviews, and I still don't have a job. I even tried applying in fast food and the best that they can do for me is like.. 10 hours a week. Which, wouldn't even cover the gas to get there, let alone the bills. I got pulled over the other day cause my car is uninsured, unregistered, and uninspected, so I just.. have been trying tog et by, and it feels like regardless of what I do I just don't think I am gonna get out of this hole. I mean if I end up super homeless and in debt, I just.. I can't fathom what I would do. So, I am seeking advice from all of you. I don't have a family to turn to, so this is where I am going. I am at my wits end, and I feel hopeless.
My life isn't gonna last much longer. My previous post talked about how I was about 500 applications deep. Im now 600, with an additional 12 interviews. I have, given up. Id rather start making plans for the end, than to try and recover again. I had dreams, I wanted to persue my masters in social work, I wanted to eventually start a non profit, where I could help others with trans related care, open a caring closet with clothes, hygenics, and a food pantry. I wanted to start a scholarship system where I helped pay tuition for other trans people, who wanted to start improving the lives of others as well.
I received a response from my former employer and they essentially deny all wrong doing. Which basically means I am screwed anyway. I wont be able to seek relief for that.
I wanted to live a life, giving all that I could so others never found themselves in a spot like me. Nobody should have to suffer the agony that I have experienced and, I will never have that chance. Only to hope that, someone else will take my idea and run with it to the end. And, inspire another to do the same.
If I did keep going. Id be buried in mountains of debt, my credit is effectively ruined, id be homeless, and I dont want to be living in a shelter. Shelters get no space because there are older people in way worse condition than I. Who need that more than I do. They see me as young. I could live on the street. No problem according to them. I watched a friend experience it. Escaping their abusive alcoholic family and staying with me last summer. All I asked was he cover half the rent. He slept on the very couch I write to you from. Till he got his own place cause he has a disability. And he was able to move out last september.
I think about another who, needed rides to the clinic and he couldnt get there himself. He calls himself Phoenix because he felt reborn after giving him the rides, helping him with insurance, figuring things out and taking care of him when he needed.
I couldnt help them all. But I did help few. When I die my stone will be plastered with my dead name. I dont think they will cry, they've mourned me over again. My presence, my face is already something they cant stand to see. The last time I saw my family was at thanksgiving. Not once, did anyone speak to me. I ate, I sat there and watched T.V. I woke up and made a 2 hour drive to work, then a 2 hour drive home from work. Cause I had just started at the place that ruined me in the long run, and signed my death certificate.
I wanted so much more. But alas, it was never in the cards for me. My birthday is on the 23rd, same week as pride here. But I don't think I will be there. I would be envious of their joy, as mine was all stolen from me. Nobody will look at my resting bitch face in a bar this year.
I encourage you to print out my obituary, set it ablaze and, use it to ignite your own burning passions. Dress in all black like I always did. I never looked good wearing any special colors. Besides, black is all the colors anyway.
So, I graduated from college last year, a few years ago.. I was dealing with the fact that my mother wanted to sue me for loan money she acquired for me to start my education. I went into the human services field specifically for children who are juvenile deliquents and it has now basically gotten me killed. I live alone, I worked very hard and had setback after setback, but it was nice to finally have some financial security. That was short lived.
I was discriminated against at work, and it got me fired from my position and I took the proper outlets, I filed with the EOEC and the PAHRB because they accused me of some pretty heinous things. But now, I am going to be homeless and lose my car. I was living off of the charity of others but now, I have no desire to keep begging for my life. I have no desire to continue living. I applied for all the assistance I could in the Erie County, PA area. But, I got denied, or there wasn't anymore funding left and now I guess you could say that I am exploring death as my final option.
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1kKiCmvNzB0bsbE0qkVTR59_Uca8j2oIYIpEIlqOmtVg/edit?usp=sharing
This is a google doc that explains the majority of my experience working at that place. And after 460+ job applications, 18 interviews with different mental health, human services, and family service agencies, I have found myself getting nowhere, I applied at restaurants, I applied at other things and I still couldn't find work. I've tried reaching out to the career center of my college, I worked on my resume, I worked on trying to find literally any job that I could and I couldn't and now. I lose. I lose everything. My credit is shit, I will be homeless, I will lose the car that gets me from point A -> B, and at this rate. My death will be before my 24th birthday.
I'm tired. I wanted to make a difference and show others that trans people have gone through difficult things, and difficult times. That it's still possible to walk out of hell even if the sulfur has burnt your nose off, that the flames have charred skin and left walking feel like placing a hand on a grill for a very long time. I leave this as a warning, to not work in human services as a transgender person because you will be made out to be the scapegoat, regardless of what you say. Regardless of the good that I did, and what I actually did. Because kids who've committed felonies are apparently more trustworthy than the adult that fought for the professional responsibility and the boundaries that I kept trying to set, and when I asked for help from my supervisors, I got told to "grow a thicker skin" or "that these kids will prey on you for who you are and that is something you will have to accept."
I'm not dying tonight, as I still have interviews and I still have things that I am trying to pull off but. If I don't make it. I did the best I could. Helped others when I could. I tried to be a good person. To be a caring shoulder. But when push comes to shove. There won't be anyone coming for me.