I don't want to do this anymore
The title mostly sums it up. About four years ago, my partner (then late 30s F) and I (then late 30s M) decided to open up our marriage. Back then, we knew it would change our relationship but the intent was for that change to be positive. There were areas in our sexualities we were keen to explore and we thought we had good communication.
Its been a bumpy ride. She quickly met someone and their relationship was intense to start and eventually curdled. To the point that, when she ended it, we installed a security camera and she filed paperwork with the police. I have had some fun experiences along the way, but also dealt with uncertainty and insecurity and had some of the most emotionally heavy moments of my life.
I have been trying to disentangle a jumble of threads that don't all easily connect.
When things were good between her and her partner, I don't think I felt jealousy. But I did feel that things were changing quickly between us. We eventually tried couple's counseling, where she told me she no longer wanted a physical relationship and then intimated that she no longer wanted a romantic one. Please don't get me wrong, I do not believe that I am somehow "owed" on either count. But there was no conversation, no attempt to work anything out, just a statement of facts.
When things curdled between her and her partner, she turned to me for emotional support, which i offered without reservation and have given her as much time and space as I can. But I am so tired. Sleeping in the same bed proved to be too painful for me, so I sleep in our living room. Our wedding vows hang framed above our bed still.
I would never ever want to diminish what she went through or its continuing effects. At the same time, there is a lot between us that is remains unresolved. For years now, I have felt invisible in our marriage, my love taken advantage of. Now I know there is an asymmetry between us
She dove right into the apps again when they broke up. I am not jealous so must as wistful. She has told me, repeatedly, that she wanted to work on our relationship. But, six months later, its like nothing happened. Our marriage is a lonely place.
EDIT (Fixed a couple of typos)
EDIT 2: I logged back on to so many responses that I can't really get to all of them. I appreciate the support, but will gently push back on those assuming intent or saying "just leave". It is not so simple, for both logistical and emotional reasons. I am surprised by some of the tenor here, in a subreddit about nonmonagamy, and that is not helping my feelings of shame and anxiety. I'm going to log off.