Daily woes and struggles
For a while i was convinced that i was okay with being a lone and single being a father of two, the youngest being autistic. I know i have a lot on my plate and trying to add a partner to was going to be a lot of work and asking a lot of the significant other (at least the way i thought it would be a big bargain for whoever the person is going to be). For the past 6 months - year I had been feeling doomed and destined to be alone for ever. Gone through some rough patches of immense loneliness and melancholy. I felt myself finally making through the end of the tunnel with that struggle. I have gone on dates before but never found any the women that interesting for me to try and put the effort into dating again and making time for them. There was one lady i worked with who i felt a connection too and wanted to try, but things didn’t pan out as i thought they would. So i convinced myself that I would play the waiting game looking for love and everything would work out. Feeling good about excluding this past year. However, i had met a a girl who I had sort of known for a while. I had felt like a secret admirer because she worked at a coffee shop i would frequent, i would have small talk with her but it never went anywhere because she was with someone already and i had believed at the time was married to this person. So I never tried to talk with her other the small talk because i knew she was spoken for and it would be a waste of time at least in my pov. Fast forward to earlier this year i find out she’s single, i ask her out. We play video games a couple times before we go on an actual date, both times we ended up talking for 4+ hours after playing a couple games. I had felt an instant connection, something i haven’t felt before with any of the women i went out with. We ended up going out a couple times, both times i really enjoyed. Each time better than the last. It never went any further than just making out. Recently she told me she just wanted to be friends, which is totally fine however I told her not right now with the feeling so had for her, it wouldn’t be beneficial for me right now. The whole time i felt very anxious, I think looking back on it i was subconsciously trying really hard to make it work because i really liked her and i had the feeling of being a single dad alone forever in my mind tucked away. I think i was desperately trying to cling onto the first real connection i had with someone. I felt things towards her that i have never felt for anyone before not even my ex wife. I’m not sure what’s going to happen moving forward. I know that i need to continue to work on myself and make sure i am okay first before trying again. The whole time i was seeing her it was a serious of ups and downs, being really happy and excited about things to being really down and feeling like a loser. During this period looking back i feel like a terrible father because it was all that was on mind. There was a night i just laid in bed listening to sad music while my sons were downstairs asking to me make dinner. I feel like i was lost for a second. Now that the dating her period is over, i feel like all the pressure i had is lifted off of my shoulders. Has anyone else had the same situation as me? I really just someone who’s in a similar position as me and not advice from my therapist mom even though it is very helpful. It just sucks sometimes when you feel like in my personal adult love life separate from fatherhood, I keep on losing.