Was it a trauma bond?
Background, my ex-wife BP2 diagnosed for 8 years, married for almost 10 years, been together for 18 years, lived together for 17. She is an Avoidant.
She discarded me the first time January 2025, we went back and than faild and started a divorce may 2025, got back togehter (we lived together).
She broke things off "out of the blue" around the same time this year again, we planned summer projects and vacations.
She hurt my feelings and i did'nt tell her the rightway at the right time and she got upset, i was so fedd up with her inability to just say sorry, to find solutions to a problem where she was in the wrong that let her escape accountability, so i just shut down.
Alot of old wounds and hurt feelings comes up now, and i can start to see how unhealthy our relationship was.
How i've felt alone in the relationship for a long long time.
Where she was on and off, hot and cold.
Her depression and hypo and her will dictated our life together, projects and i was just an empty shell trying to keep everything together.
Love was not conditional but always on her terms, us doing stuff or having sex or just beeing us.
Taking caring of the kids? Dropping them off, picking them up was always on her terms, even if i got broken down.
She did alot of hurtfull things she never to accountability for "i own them" she says but never a sorry and change in behavior.
I dont know if i walked on glass or eggshells, but it i always felt alone, never really secure in our lovelift.
And now im doing the heavylifting with divorce, she is blocking me, while i trying to do the best for the kids. Her family contacts me out of the blue to attack my character and tell me i need to respect her and treat her with respect. While she goes free from anything.
I have a feeling she is dating, when i try to force her hand, by cutting our budget to a 50/50 she threatens to move out of the house and leave me with everything to sell and pay for. No thoughts about the kids that live in the house. This have happend two or three times. Last time i found condoms in a open suitecase and i got angry and field for a divorce (she has'nt done it, never doing it just living her nice life on my mentalhealth).
I have a hard time letting go, everyone tells me how unhealthy it all was and are. And now i can start to see it for myself, but it still hurts, its like deep, deep in the soul, no sharp pain, just this gut wrenching feeling.
But i cant let go, i cant, there is a part of me that clings to the memory of us, to her, that wont let go. Its like a drug.