u/BNBC-7771

21m here & trying to handle everything ( job and some personal things which I don't know how to say ) but problem is I've been questioning my entire existence/personality/behaviour ( both merits & demerits ) more than ever ( philosophy nerd here so I know that this time it is different ) - as if everything I do is response to trauma ? Am i actually any different from what I hate ? If everything that has made me , " me " is evil then am i not evil/incompetent/unstable myself ? Best I can describe the past 3 days is I've been feeling like a whore ( all glories to our lovely woman without any doubt but i genuinely couldn't find any other word ) : one that's born to be exploited & live his/her life while being stuck in the same loop .

Pain ? I've went through hell both mentally and physically and am still going but that's not the issue as long as I'm on my path ( which I am ) but these 3 days or maybe this whole month went like side quest of a video game - you may not complete them ( coz main quest is getting a job you know ) but maybe it exists for some reason .

If it wasn't supposed to hurt , it simply wouldn't - maybe this description fits well ?

I don't know who I am - embodiment of Will ? / Hater of lust & ego ? Rusted armour ? Idk anything ( This reminds me i recently acted out of pure ego and i still regret it - don't know how different life would be but yeah atleast id be financially independent *lore goes deep* )

I'm in this state that whether you're a stranger or a loved one you can say " you're a rapist " on my face and I'd find reasons if I truly am . Don't know what's going on just know that I must end this journey asap ( of finding a job - NOTHING ELSE LOL ) .

But yeah end question is am i really just a hollow man with words ? Just a projection of everything hardship of life ? Coz I act - I don't know if I have a face : masks ? 100% to the point ( yeah now I'm describing it well I guess ) i can't differentiate between a " mask " & my natural " face " ( btw free will doesn't exist but yes as i said this self introspection is different than other ones ) .

There are 2/3 things that make me different from the evils I'm talking about but others ? I do not have any idea - not one : how many masks should I remove to be actually able to see myself in the mirror - is the question

Flair is gonna be open to advice or something like that but yeah most probably I'll continue handling things my way ( this maybe ego - not sure ) - although I'm grateful for the advice ( probably - not sure of anything at this moment )

Oh also two closest friends of mine said that I maybe be suffering from some mental illness ( they said it in goodwill ) . Won't blame them coz here's when It gets interesting

I CAN OBSERVE MYSELF DOING THINGS THAT WILL MAKE ME APPEAR SOMEBODY WITH A CONDITION - that's what I'm talking about you see ? I am observing everything and since what I'm observing is not me and most probably just a response mechanism built in all these years through both happy & sad moments hence I don't know who am " I " apart from this response mechanism

Does any of it make sense 😭 ?

Me and my friend 😁😁😁