Advice on healing from constant trust breaches in first NM relationship
I [39NB] had my first NM relationship [40F has BPD] at the start of last year with a break and a reconnection at the end of last year culminating in no-contact back in March.
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[TLDR] Everytime one of these trust breaches happens I become very dysregulated and find it difficult to process the hurt without becoming very distressed and not being able to focus or do the things I need to get my life back on track.
Does anyone have any advice on how they managed to process similar situations in "NM" relationships where one partner was consistently untruthful?
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When we defined the relationship my partner was adamant they would only do a NM relationship, and for me this was my first and challenged a lot of relationship models as I had only been monogamous until then.
I agreed and within the first month my partner hooked up with someone else, and while challenging I processed my jealousy and dysregulation and overall I definitely felt a shift in my own understanding of relationships.
When I started exploring dating, my ex would become jealous, emotionally distant and start fights with me. She disclosed that she believed I was cheating on her with a friend of mine (I wasn't) and began arguments about me being a creep, lying to her etc etc. This ended up making me feel forced to be exclusively seeing her, and each time I wpuld speak about or see friends who were women She would always ask me if I was interested in them.
When I would visit her it would turn out I was meeting another one of her exes, and we would be hanging out with them. That was a lot for me, even when she started sharing that one of her exes was trying to get her to have a threesome with his wife (they had an arrangement several years ago with one of his girlfriends).
After we reconnected after our first break, I started finding out there were far more exes and flings in her life, and some of them She had hidden, downplayed or lied about her relationship with them. This kept happening, and the last weekend we broke up she wanted to go to the pub so we could hang out with her ex, but when he decided to go home early she stopped wanting to hangout just the two of us.
Since then I've found out many of the relationships she told me were only friends were far more intimate and often offered her sex. Then I found out she had been posting some of our personal conversations on reddit, and when she was very dysregulated posting a lot of lies about our relationship to various subreddits garnering sympathy (this was while we were still together).
Since going no contact I have stumbled across multiple relationships she had which have turned out to be completely different than what I was told, stories she told me about herself now being denied, and public posting from when we were together that breached what I understood as the boundaries of our relationship.
Everytime one of these trust breaches happens I become very dysregulated and find it difficult to process the hurt without becoming very distressed and not being able to focus or do the things I need to get my life back on track.
Does anyone have any advice on how they managed to process similar situations in "NM" relationships where one partner was consistently untruthful?