I ended up going to the hospital like I should’ve in the first place (tw/ mentions of suicidal ideation)
I’m that stupid teenager who went on here saying I didn’t want to be medicated and replied to every comment and everything else. Here’s an update.
(Tldr at the end cuz damn).
Yeah all of you were right I should’ve went to ER earlier, luckily I didn’t fully ruin my life but a lot of things have changed now. My parents are aware of EVERYTHING, they know I drink, they know I tried to do drugs and above all they know that I’m struggling mentally. This really didn’t change anything though, they (my dad) still blames me and thinks I’m just a bad and stupid kid. It’s actually funny. Just imagine the most
emotionally unintelligent and ignorant of mental health people in the world. I love and am grateful for them, but I also acknowledge that and accept it now.
Yesterday I decided I was going to have the “best day of my life” before “I got locked up and turn into a zombie” (i.e. go to the hospital). I skipped school with a plan to just do whatever I found fun. I ended up going to the train station getting two buzzballs (context tho I have an annoyingly high tolerance, even by the end of ALL my later drinking I was already sobering up which may be why I got so irritated) drinking one in the bathroom before my train. Then I travelled over an hour to go to a bar, putting on my story like “everyone come over to this location let’s have a good time you better come” like just spamming my story almost begging people to come. I was already meeting up with one person at my destination by then I walked all the way to the spoons (pub) we were going to and drank my second buzzball. We talked, drank and had a really good time. By the end of the night I had maybe 6 more 30% shots and 4 other drinks. By then I finally felt the alcohol (I mean, of course) and my friend was heading home (I was supposed to be too but just lied). They lived in the area so got off on the bus we were on, I stopped at the town centre where the train station was. I began to be pissed off because I wanted to have more fun. I needed more and more and I was starting to sober up so I got even more irritated. I ended up buying a vape (i never vape) then ended up at this town club. It was a shit and dead club but I had a good time for about 20m before I got bored and decided to leave. The whole time I was thinking I wanna meet people and travel between club to club. I was also obsessed with find someone hot and having sex with them like it was this big mission. By then I hadn’t drank anymore (my last drink was at that pub) and I was like self-aware that I was maybe hypomanic and doing risky stupid stuff. I just really didn’t care was instead obsessed with letting everyone and their mum know (actually only 6 people in the end and nearly my whole snapchat but my friend convinced me to delete it but still) that I was (hypo)manic and “I don’t care I’m fucking free and I’m going to the city (hrs away) to party till 1 am”. I just told them because “at least I was responsible and letting people know, now I can just do whatever I want but they can’t say I didn’t try help myself”. Like I think I was aware and a bit concerned but at the same time another side of me didn’t care and desperately like DESPERATELY wanted to keep going. Anyway by then I was wondering around town talking to anyone and everyone. I ended up becoming obsessed with seeing the sunset so I went to the beach and just laid there. Ended up throwing that vape somewhere cuz honestly I hate the shit. Throughout this time I was in between phone calls with my friends who were telling me I’m not okay I need to get help (most embarrassing thing was how mean I got with them, I spent this morning apologising and updating and all). I stayed laying at the beach until dark and all I was doing was blabbling on the phone and to myself, cussing out my gp, the nhs for giving me antidepressants, saying that they wanted my downfall. Like all that fun happy feeling just turned into anger. Eventually a friend called 111 on me, an ambulance came but they just thought I was drunk (I know I wasn’t in the right mind but I also know it had been hours since I drank and I was sobering up, I’m self-aware enough to know that this wasn’t just the alcohol and my friend who was later with me even told me I was being completely out of character and all that). They ended up just leaving me there stranded, obviously vulnerable and on my own. By then I was like breaking down angry and livid idk. Anyway like half an hour passes and my other friend says they’re on their way and I should stay still. I kept threatening that I was going to go to the city (couldn’t anyway I spent all my money). Anyway I stayed in the area playing arcade games till they came and took me to the mental health urgent care unit. They stayed there with me for hours whilst we went between the waiting room and assessments. They ended up there till 3am until I finally convinced them to leave me there because I saw on ring my parents were coming. I was no longer in whatever happy state I was in, more just incredibly irritated and wide awake idk. Eventually my parents came and that’s a whole other thing because they are traditional, heavily religious and ignorant on everything to do with mental health. They ended up finding out about EVERYTHING. As they were in that room but they still ended up blaming me lolol and something in me just snapped. I became emotionally numb but I also just started laughing. Like my parents are not at all bad people, again I am grateful and don’t want to dog on them, but you know when you just objectively know that they heavily suck in some areas. And even part of me throughout the years till now thought they couldn’t be THAT bad and maybe they actually know about everything and are secretly actively in contact with a mental health team. No. Due to their culture and how generations of my family have been raised (African parenting), emotional wellbeing and knowing the signs and supporting or even knowing about a mentally ill child is just not in their world. idk but honestly it’s the next morning now, I’m home, did not get admitted or anything, and I don’t care about anything anymore. I’m free. My biggest fear was my parents finding out everything and still just blaming me instead of asking if I was fucking okay or anything or just supporting me in ANY way (imagine) but that’s what they did and even though I felt like I was emotionally dying with how overwhelmed I was at first, seconds later I just turned that shit off and no longer care which is probs y I just laughed then.
Oh and I kept telling the care people yesterday all my symptoms which align with (hypo)mania I didn’t mention bipolar explicitly because I honestly just don’t know for sure. They ended up saying I was just depressed doing self-destructive things (I have no suicidal ideation or low mood right now at all, I didn’t and don’t want to die I just want to have fun). They even twisted my story assuming that I went into the beach water to hurt (or worse) myself. I literally told them I just went to the beach to see the sunset and mind you that ‘beach’ is mostly dried up stone. Nobody listened to me, nobody actually cared about my situation and I honestly don’t know what to think anymore. I’m still on sertraline but luckily going to the hospital today has fully guaranteed that I will be looked at and assed and all that properly in the future.
If I am to be very honest, today I feel great I feel free and alive and that this is all just one fun game. Like I feel heavily detached from myself like I’m watching and analysing my own life. Idk. I’m just glad I’m not depressed rn, I was kinda worried I was gonna crash or something but I’m still good and instead after yesterday I feel like a new person who isn’t afraid of anything anymore. Like all of that happened to make me invincible and show me that life is a game and that I can do whatever I want. I am not held back by a fear of my parents (lost all my respect for them honestly) or insecurity. Like truly I feel like a new superior being like the last thing that held me back in my mind snapped. I feel great.
Anyway I have assessments and all that coming up or whatever and I’m no longer in whatever loopy state I was in yesterday. But honestly I feel like I or some other spiritual guide in me subconsciously planned everything so that I could finally face my parents and be free of their generational shit.
I mean a part of me thinks I wasn’t actually even (hypo)manic or anything. I just finally saw what I needed to do to be free and did it. I’m all good now, in fact, better than I’ve ever been. Anyway, still undiagnosed. I will be going to those assessments though whenever I get off waitlist. And I will try any medication they give me since everyone is telling me that’s the best thing I can do.
Again I am undiagnosed and may not even actually belong here. But this subreddit makes me feel less alone in all this.
edit: i also think it’s weird how self-aware yet still ‘out of control’ i am my friend said “you may be really good at masking because you’re smart, i mean u got the highest grades in the year bro” but is that really a thing? everything is so conflicting.
TLDR: still undiagnosed, went off the rails yesterday ended up at the hospital mental health unit, realised my parents were not meant to have a mentally ill child because they are so laughably ignorant on matters of general wellbeing let alone mental illness. woke up feeling like this is all a game and I feel better than I’ve ever been. BUT i will be going to assessment and trying any meds they give cuz at the same time i don’t trust myself. So all in all. Winning.