lack of acceptance
tw: depression, s\\ thoughts
hello, I'm writing here because I feel so alone in my experience - I am not sure if it is a good sub to share my story.
(this is kind of a rant and really any support is welcomed)
english isn't my first language, sorry for mistakes :((
I'm in relationship with amazing boyfriend for the last one and a half year and now I feel I can't do it anymore. for the context: he is trans. my parents unfortunately know that and completely don't accept our relationship because they say it is not the way God wants me to live. they would see me with some Christian guy and then get married in church and have kids - my sister has five and how much I love them and I love my sister I want to make decisions about my own life. I want to have kids but with my bf. they say it is not acceptable and I am so wrong for thinking our relationship can ever work. I can't listen to this bullshit anymore like some dude from heaven cares in what relationship I am. not like the is any proof for his existence, even if He would be there somewhere I am pretty sure he has more important stuff to worry about than my relationship. and if my bf would be toxic or something: but of course he is not and he has such beautiful soul.
unfortunately my sister says she understands our parents in some way bc she has her own children and just my brother and his wife are fully supportive for us. it kills me every time I see my bf or my family. I hate Christianity so much for the pain it gives me every fucking day of my life. what is even worse, my parents except that are good people so I can't hate them or something. I am mostly pretty submissive person, so it is really hard for me to stand in opposition to them when they are talking something I disagree with.
right now I am in college and they pay for my rent, I am working when it is possible, but they are still a big financial support to me.
I am also seeing a psychiatrist lately and has been diagnosed with depression and possible ADHD. every time I come back home I am trying to be a good daughter for my parents, but everytime they read something from the Bible or talk about church I am so annoyed, sad and dissapointed it is destroying my life so much.
my boyfriend is probably the kindest man I could ever dream of. probably if not my parents we would have been so happy and live our best lives. however my life has fallen apart after I heard their words about disapointing God and them because of my choice to date him. my depression risen from the dead since and with every month I feel worse and worse.
sometimes I want to end relationship with him to not give him pain from my death and then kill myself to show my family how much pain they gave me. right now I am so exhausted with fighting with my illness and my family that I want to call it all a day. I just want to stay in my bed forever or die. I wonder if I deserve to feel this way, if am I really that evil?
I am really sorry for my messy writing.
thank you so much for reading this, have a good day/night xx