u/Background_Star_3959

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Hi, this is my first post, so I'm a little nervous. I've had social anxiety for years now, I'm going to therapy and when I have time I go to a self-help group as well.

I feel like I'm so in my head that I mess up something and I didn't even notice, like it just happens subconsciously which almost makes it worse for me bc then it feels like maybe that's just part of my personality.

For example, it was my birthday two weeks ago and my birthday absolutely stresses me out bc of people expecting you to celebrate in some way (and I do want to celebrate, I just don't want to have a big party or something like that) and I'm always afraid that someone is going to be mad at me or I start questioning if people would even want to spend time with me for my birthday (I know that's a self-worth issue). So I did something low key with just one close friend (Lara) and my parents came the day after just for me which I appreciated. I share the same birthday with another friend from uni (Mark) so we tend to celebrate it together with out friend group from uni, but this year Mark also invited his boyfriend so I thought I'd invite Lara as well.

I do have another relatively new friend and also Lara's sister currently lives with us in our shared flat and therefore we automatically spend a lot of time together, mostly in a group of three. Yesterday night Lara and I had one of our very serious and honest talks (I love these talks but they're very exhausting at the same time) and basically what came out of it was that it was clear to her sister now that she and I were not friends bc I didn't invite her to the birthday brunch and Lara was also surprised that I didn't invite my relatively new friend. She said if you don't invite someone to your birthday party you automatically exclude them and she's right and now I feel so bad because I didn't even think of her sister and my new friend, I really didn't, so it's not that I wouldn't want them there, it's just that I genuinely didn't think of them.

That's what I meant by subconsciously messing up and now I'm spiraling as usual bc I feel like it's not just anxiety and I can rationalize myself out of this spiral, this is like I genuinely messed up.

To be fair, my relatively new friend didn't invite me to her birthday either, but I don't think that should be a reason for me not to invite her, Idek if she even did something where she could've invited anyone, so that just sounds like an excuse on my part.

It sucks bc it comes across as "she intentionally doesn't want to" but often it just didn't occur to me, I think maybe it's my problem with self-worth that just makes me so passive when it comes to friendships, but I don't actively think I'm not worth anything, it's more of a feeling and like a subconscious blockade that gets me into situations like this. Now I can't even really look forward to that birthday brunch bc I feel so bad. I think part of it is also bc I value Lara's opinion (of me) so much, so I know I'm a little emotionally dependent on her and I try to detach but this time she is legitimately right, I should've invited both of them, but it makes me feel worse that I know she disapproves of how this happened and that I didn't think of her sister and my new friend. She's a social butterfly, but she's just also really good at friendships.

Those are the moments where I would love to just start over like in a video game, just pause and do it all again with what I learned so far.

I'm 24 now so why do I keep messing up like this? I really don't want to spend the rest of my life with all of this anxiety and emotional dependence and depressive thoughts and I try so hard but in moments like these I just feel very low.

Does this sound familiar to anyone else? How do I become more aware of my subconscious behavior so uncomfortable things like this don't happen anymore? Is it even my lack of self-worth thwt did this or am I maybe just someone who forgets people whom I shouldn't forget?

This got really long, if anyone read it this far, thank you so much for listening to me pouring out my thoughts.

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Hi, this is my first post, so I'm a little nervous. I've had social anxiety for years now, I'm going to therapy and when I have time I go to a self-help group as well.

I feel like I'm so in my head that I mess up something and I didn't even notice, like it just happens subconsciously which almost makes it worse for me bc then it feels like maybe that's just part of my personality.

For example, it was my birthday two weeks ago and my birthday absolutely stresses me out bc of people expecting you to celebrate in some way (and I do want to celebrate, I just don't want to have a big party or something like that) and I'm always afraid that someone is going to be mad at me or I start questioning if people would even want to spend time with me for my birthday (I know that's a self-worth issue). So I did something low key with just one close friend (Lara) and my parents came the day after just for me which I appreciated. I share the same birthday with another friend from uni (Mark) so we tend to celebrate it together with out friend group from uni, but this year Mark also invited his boyfriend so I thought I'd invite Lara as well.

I do have another relatively new friend and also Lara's sister currently lives with us in our shared flat and therefore we automatically spend a lot of time together, mostly in a group of three. Yesterday night Lara and I had one of our very serious and honest talks (I love these talks but they're very exhausting at the same time) and basically what came out of it was that it was clear to her sister now that she and I were not friends bc I didn't invite her to the birthday brunch and Lara was also surprised that I didn't invite my relatively new friend. She said if you don't invite someone to your birthday party you automatically exclude them and she's right and now I feel so bad because I didn't even think of her sister and my new friend, I really didn't, so it's not that I wouldn't want them there, it's just that I genuinely didn't think of them.

That's what I meant by subconsciously messing up and now I'm spiraling as usual bc I feel like it's not just anxiety and I can rationalize myself out of this spiral, this is like I genuinely messed up.

To be fair, my relatively new friend didn't invite me to her birthday either, but I don't think that should be a reason for me not to invite her, Idek if she even did something where she could've invited anyone, so that just sounds like an excuse on my part.

It sucks bc it comes across as "she intentionally doesn't want to" but often it just didn't occur to me, I think maybe it's my problem with self-worth that just makes me so passive when it comes to friendships, but I don't actively think I'm not worth anything, it's more of a feeling and like a subconscious blockade that gets me into situations like this. Now I can't even really look forward to that birthday brunch bc I feel so bad. I think part of it is also bc I value Lara's opinion (of me) so much, so I know I'm a little emotionally dependent on her and I try to detach but this time she is legitimately right, I should've invited both of them, but it makes me feel worse that I know she disapproves of how this happened and that I didn't think of her sister and my new friend. She's a social butterfly, but she's just also really good at friendships.

Those are the moments where I would love to just start over like in a video game, just pause and do it all again with what I learned so far.

I'm 24 now so why do I keep messing up like this? I really don't want to spend the rest of my life with all of this anxiety and emotional dependence and depressive thoughts and I try so hard but in moments like these I just feel very low.

Does this sound familiar to anyone else? How do I become more aware of my subconscious behavior so uncomfortable things like this don't happen anymore? Is it even my lack of self-worth thwt did this or am I maybe just someone who forgets people whom I shouldn't forget?

This got really long, if anyone read it this far, thank you so much for listening to me pouring out my thoughts.