I've discovered I prefer my news lyrically through childrens songs, specifically the Grand Old Duke of York.
🎵 The Grand Old News Parade 🎵
Oh Donald called a meeting room, To talk of peace and war, He nearly pressed the “boom-boom” button, Then said, “Ah — not just now, perhaps tomorrow!” (The Guardian)
And six whole states went off to vote, With ads on every screen, While billionaires bought AI stocks, And swore the charts looked “green.” (Fox News)
The Bears still want a stadium, But not where Bears belong, Chicago shrugged, the suburbs winked, And taxpayers sang along! (Windy City Gridiron)
The Giants started OTAs, With rookies full of pep, A quarterback named Jaxson Dart Still tripped on every step. (Big Blue View)
Now chatbots write your shopping lists, Your sonnets and your will, While Congress asks if children should Bet lunch money on Brazil. (DrydenWire.com)
The oil went up, the bonds went down, The traders lost their hair, And somewhere on financial X A man yelled “BUY THE BEAR!” (Reddit)
So raise your phone and doomscroll on, And hum this strange refrain: The world’s on fire, the memes are good, See you online again! 🎵