u/Bad_Madison

In the silence, the echoes of my thoughts collide,
Memories haunt me, it’s a heavy weight I can’t hide,
These walls I built are crumbling down like ash,
Painful lessons learned, I’m left in this cold clash.

Shadows linger, chasing me in the night,
I’m alone, but emptiness is the only light.

I’m alone, lost in the whispers of my pain,
Finding strength in the scars that remain,
These lessons taught me hard, but I wear them proud,
One day I’ll rise above, scream it out loud.

Once I trusted, gave my heart away for free,
Thoughts of connection turned to just a memory,
Every smile was a dagger, cutting deep inside,
Now I walk this road alone, nowhere left to bide.

Every tear falls, a testament to me,
I’m alone in this crowd, can’t nobody see?

I’m alone, lost in the whispers of my pain,
Finding strength in the scars that remain,
These lessons taught me hard, but I wear them proud,
One day I’ll rise above, scream it out loud.Alone but learning, I’ll find my way,
Through the dark shadows, I’ll seize the day.

I stood in the shadows, waiting for your light,
Each word left unspoken, it haunted my nights.
You turned your back when I needed you near,
But still, I kept hoping, that you'd see me clear.

Trust is a fragile thing, hard to maintain,
Yet here I stand, drenched in my pain.

You didn’t trust me, you didn’t believe in me,
Now I’m lost in this void, I can barely breathe.
You didn’t know me, you didn’t see my fight,
But I’ll rise from the ashes, I’ll find my light.

You built up the walls, locked me out of your view,
Every glance that you cast felt empty and few.
I reached for your heart but you turned it away,
Leaving me stranded in shades of gray.
How could you doubt what I was holding inside?
Now I'm left wondering why you denied.

You didn’t trust me, you didn’t believe in me,
Now I’m lost in this void, I can barely breathe.
You didn’t know me, you didn’t see my fight,
But I’ll rise from the ashes, I’ll find my light.So here’s my farewell to the doubt and the fear,
I’ll grow through the pain, as my vision gets clear.

You said forever, but forever didn't last,
Each promise you made just a shadow of the past,
Tears that I cried, you didn't even see,
You played your game, now it’s just pain in me.

Every single word, just a crafted disguise,
You hurt me so deep, weaving stories of lies.

You hurt me, oh you hurt me, can't you see?
Every moment lost, a part of me set free,
You lied and lied, it was all just a show,
Now I'm rising from ashes, with scars that still glow.

I trusted your touch, felt the warmth in your light,
But the more I discovered, it was all just a plight,
Fate twisted your truth, buried deep in the shame,
Now I’m left to pick pieces, of a broken love game.

Regrets linger on, like ghosts in my mind,
You hurt me so much, left my heart in a bind.

You hurt me, oh you hurt me, can't you see?
Every moment lost, a part of me set free,
You lied and lied, it was all just a show,
Now I'm rising from ashes, with scars that still glow.No more your shadow, I reclaim my night,
You hurt me, but now I’m ready to fight.

When you put everyone first. When you’re honest and face your mistakes. Because you respect them enough even if the truth hurts them. When you stood by them when no one else did, when you believed in them when no one else. But they don’t respect you enough to be honest with you, to save their own skin. When you thought you meant more to them than that. Clearly not. I’m the one hurting and confused, with overwhelming anxiety. But I don’t mean enough to you to get honesty from your lips, even if the truth hurts me. I’d respect you more if I got the truth from you, but you’re too much of a coward. You’re just like everyone else who lied and hurt me.

Tomorrow is when you move away to find yourself.
Tomorrow is when the most important person in my life goes away.
I know you’ll still be around via the phone but it won’t be the same.
I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving you.
If I’m being honest with myself, really deeply honest i feel like a part of me is leaving tomorrow.
That an actual part of me is leaving with you, a part I’ll never get back.
When I see you again, we’ll be strangers.
You’ll change, I’ll change. We won’t know each other anymore. We’ll be strangers who had a life together. We’ll meet new people that will become a part of our lives. And we’ll create new memories and have new moments with other people.
I’m always going to love you, even if I’m with someone else, there’s always going to be a pull towards you, an internal conflict.
I love you, I love you with every part of my being.
You’re my twin flame.

When you message my heart flutters

When you call my face smiles

When I fall asleep in your arms I’m content

When you call my name when you’re inside of me every part of me wants you again

When you kiss me my body craves you

When I talk you listen intently

You’re so soft and caring

And I deserve this so much

I deserve this kind of happiness

I deserve this kind of respect

And I can’t wait to see you again

You’ve always been there in the background

Unflinching support

‘No matter what’ we used to say

We really meant it

Now I have to wait to see you again til next week

But it’s okay, because I like this

And I’m happy

You make me happy

You was there and I was there…

And I felt something…

Would I care if you died?

I was watching you talk about how your cheating lying ex destroyed you. Watching every emotion on your face thinking how much you’ve changed and grown from the man you once were. That life taught you some lessons the hard way. Watching you respect me, talk to me fondly and look at me like you love me…

As i led in your arms falling asleep

I felt something…

Calmness? Content? Happy?!

Am I normal now?!

No overwhelming intense feelings I can’t control?

Just stillness

Simple stillness.

Completeness. No fakeness. No games. No hiding, no shame.

It was just you and me. Just there.

And I felt it, whatever it was I felt it…

Does that mean I didn’t love him after all? When did that become a tolerance and not love?

How does this feel so normal and natural when I’ve spent the last 2 years being made to feel like I’m the unstable and dysfunctional one?

What if Im not?

What if I break you?

What if I don’t?

I don’t know right now, all I know is I felt something…

That must mean I don’t love him but I don’t know when I stopped. does that explain why when he left my heart didn’t break i was just angry at his betrayal and having to share my daughter? Well no, because I did miss him, didn’t I? Or did I miss my daughter?

Wait, why didn’t I ever cry over him after he left me?

Did I ever love him?

I just know I felt something for you and I don’t feel anything for him. And I had the best night of my life in a really long time, so thank you 😊

Its occurred to me that you don’t know me anymore and I don’t know you either. I don’t think I’ve ever known you. Everything was based on lies whereas I let you into every aspect of my life and being. When I was envisioning my future with you, you were planning your escape. That kind of pain runs deep inside and has broken me. Right now I don’t know if I will ever heal from this.

I learnt today that I mirror in pretty much every situation I’m in and it’s really interesting.

If I’m in a relationship I will mirror their mood, if they put me down or critise me I will internalise that and question myself and put more pressure on myself to ‘do better’ if they’re complaining and miserable, so am I.

I do it in work too. Within 5 minutes of being at work I will adjust my mood to theirs regardless to how I’m feeling. I’ve come to work full of energy and lowered my energy when I’ve read the room that everyone is low on energy. I’ve done the opposite, gone to work feeling like my life is falling apart but because everyone is happy and chatty I’ve done the same.

I do it with my kids too, if my kids are grouchy, I become grouchy. If my kids are happy and bouncy so am I.

I do it in my social life too. I will be loud and noisy if that’s how everyone is being or I’ll be chill and quiet if everyone is being chill.

If I don’t quite gauge the vibe straight away I get disregulated and I don’t know how to be. I become awkward and quiet.

The only time I’m really myself is when I’m on my own, or at best with my kids- and that’s not all the time. If I’m tired and drained I will still bounce around with them to match their mood. Although, I’ve noticed I’ve started aknowledging how I’m feeling and acting accordingly, so if I’m drained I’ll rest, rather than match the ‘mood in the room.’ I will put music on and dance around my house regardless if my kids join in or they’re just chilling.

But it’s almost like an identity crisis, like I don’t know who I am? It’s weird…

I learnt something about myself today in therapy. And it’s really helped me understand myself when I’m in relationships.

I do something called ‘mirroring’ when I’m with someone if they’re miserable, complaining, putting me down and criticising me I mirror it. I start criticising myself, and doubting myself, I become miserable and down.

I’ve had relationships where I’ve not had that same dynamic and managed long relationships- 6 and 8 year relationships.

Ive learnt the downfall for my bad relationships or ‘unsuccessful’ ones isn’t co dependency like my ex thinks. I’ve actually just mirrored his moods etc. then you just end up with 2 people miserable and complaining. And then it’s some stupid competition on who’s done the worse thing, or who’s reacted the worse, or who’s hurt the other person the most, who’s more tired etc.

so, I’ve learnt today that the reason why I do better on my own, or had those long relationships with those people is because they’ve had positive impacts on me and my wellbeing. When I don’t have someone constantly putting me down, I start believing in myself, I put less pressure on myself. Which means I KNOW that when I find someone who supports me and is a positive influence in my life, I can totally maintain a really long and fun relationship. Because I’ve managed it before, twice in fact.

It’s also the reason why i thrive on my own, because my self belief and my self esteem comes back. Because I don’t have someone in my ear making me doubt myself.

So, I’ve learnt today that I CAN maintain healthy relationships with people and I can maintain long happy relationships. And I can also manage by myself.

It’s not me that’s the problem. It’s me mirroring other people’s behaviour.

You cause so much drama, so much chaos, you hurt me, you’ve hurt others. You continue to hurt me. You’ve abandoned me twice.

I don’t scream, I don’t shout, I don’t react.

When I think you couldn’t get lower, you reach a whole level of low. You have this audacity of blaming me for everything, I take accountability. But when you do wrong, you don’t aknowledge it. That’s your biggest downfall. You don’t even aknowledge to yourself the damage you’ve caused. In your head you’re the victim, that you’ve been damaged. But you broke my heart, you let me down, you let my kids down. And do I tell you? No I stay silent? I let you see my kids even though you’ve hurt them. You lie and when you get caught you gaslight me, blame me and try to turn it against me. Did I sleep with him? No! Did I tell you the truth? Yes! Was I even cheating?! No!

Im done.

I’m done with your games and your drama and your lies. Im not doing it anymore.

I’m not tolerating your BS anymore.