I think ive realised I have a fear of men or groups of men
I didn’t quite know where to put this in all this subs categories, it is more of a realization that has taken many years.
You may be suprised to learn that, this is a man posting this. Not a woman. And I firmly believe that simple mental barrier has mentally blocked me from accepting this part of myself. Many situations in my childhood and growing up have had difficult situations involving boys evovling to men, or men in groups just being men.
The energy we carry, where feats of strength, displays of accomplishments, competition of humour, reading a room and who is who, the ease of which we can ridicule eachother for small things to «ease tension» and at the same time, never discuss the recent emotional turmoil each of us experience in our lives.
How we can be best friends with each other, yet, also not know eachother at all. I do have significant male friendships built on respect and trust, and sharing what we go through. Blessed with a fair few in fact. But, just the knowing of how many guys out there suffer, never share, and also are willing to be tough on the outside, make jokes and make fun of you as a person. «Give shit» and not take into consideration (in my case, taking into consideration that i just dont behave the way that might be expected from a dude).
I grew to fear men, not because i am scared to be physicslly hurt, for me its just been hard to accept i cant part-take in the conversations with the person i am, as much i would like to. The fastest way to end a conversation, or be sort of ostrisized from a potential friend group is *nuance*. Because it is very often just a joke, most things are meant to be laughed at. Most things are meant to find the humourous side and not be discussed in its «intircacies». Not because men are stupid, but i think its because we are conditioned to be careful of leading conversations somewhere that actually could be considered *real*. Something containing real emotional considerations and consequences.
Something that equates to understanding what a dude is going through.
It’s nothing about men being bad people, it about the fact that i can reveal who i am, and not being able to trust that most men wont be able to fight their conditioned spirits to not ridicule and belittle the struggles or nuances of who i am, the inability to want to understand, the difficulty of carrying someone elses weight for even a second.