Any advice on how to improve mental independency? (TW : CSA, SH, Substances)
This is extremely out of character for me to do but I feel like I’m at my wits end. I (20 F) need advice on how to help myself or provide things for myself. For background, TLDR: I was abused and prostituted as a child, I was fed drugs, and I endured multiple instances of physical, verbal and mental abuse from my mother. Later down the line I was able to get away from it and move out of state with my siblings to live with my father, who was divorced with my mother but still tried to reach out to us, despite her making it impossible for him. To cope with the trauma of everything I began self-harming from the age of 8 up until now, it’s not something I’m proud of but it’s been the only consistent thing in my life to help me cope. I also drink and smoke marijuana regularly but have been able to not rely on it as I don’t think I’m an addict. I also struggle with an eating disorder and extreme body-image/body dysmorphia. Suffering the same abuse as I did, my older sister took her own life around 5 years ago, when I was 15. When I turned 18 I inherited her assets and was finally able to afford proper diagnoses for my mental/physical health. I suffer from depression, anxiety, ptsd and am being tested for bipolar as it runs in the family, I am currently being medicated for my illnesses as it was my first step to improving myself. I had this revelation when my boyfriend left out of state a few days ago and noticed how much it negatively affected me despite me being happy for him, he comes back at the end of the month but despite having this knowledge I still find difficulty to participate in my hobbies, eating, showering and other day-to-day things. I think the abandonment and abuse of my mother and the death of my sister contributed to my abandonment issues, with my boyfriend making me essentially realize it due to his absence. I want to improve, I want to get better. I want to become more mentally independent and stable for myself. Any advice on how to work towards or achieve this? Please be brutally honest with me. I appreciate any and all advice given, I don’t mind on elaborating on certain things if needed, thanks in advance.