How do you live with this worldview?
I am a student studying philosophy and pre-law, my dream has always to become a union lawyer. I read a lot of literature surrounding labor philosophy and other capitalistic critics.
Recently I let my friend borrow some Mark Fisher to start them out. We were pretty fucked up and talking about it one night and I told them how awful it all was. I went on a long rant about how after graduating I was deeply suicidal, a feeling I had never felt so strongly before. I come from a pretty upper middle class family, some of which don't have the best politics but I stay away from those family members. Anyways I have a lot of guilt surrounding that, not just because I was born into it but my behavior has also perpetuated the privilege I enjoy.
I said that obviously I didn't kill myself and I see that as I made the selfish decision. Every luxury I enjoy is at the suffering of others, and while I do try to practice smart shopping and consumerism I can't help but feel this lingering weight of the world. I think about how I'm only able to attend school because of the opportunities that have been presented to me from my privilege, whenever people compliment on the good I'm doing I feel as though...well what else would I have done? There are a lot of other factors that I find pretty bleak about my political and social standing, and just about the world in general. I talked about how I'm constantly depressed because of it, how unfair life is and I'm the one gaining from that unfairness. I made a joke that if the revolution knocked on my door I knew what was coming to me.
When I said this to my friend he looked pretty concerned. He told me that there's a reason people who think like me kill themselves and I'm too involved in politics.
But it's just hard to not look back at myself, my family, the environment I live in and not see how suffering is perpetuated from us. How we all contribute to the racism, misogyny, and classism that plagues our culture.
It's hard because this is my life. This is the only thing that wakes me up in the morning. It's what I'm studying and planning on devoting my life to. But sometimes, I do think about the suffering I create and feel there is no way to rectify it. I see myself as being alive and injustice to the world.
Or maybe I'm a privileged white girl who spent too much time reading alone in her room and I just need to get over myself lol