u/Beautiful__Crazy

I was so torn apart by this compulsive sexual behavior disorder that caused him to cheat all over me. He is now doing all the right things and giving it his all. Now the sight of him makes me cringe. He was naked getting into bed and I think I threw up in my mouth a bit. The thought of sex with him makes me gag. We had an incredible sex life previous to him getting busted and I could never get enough of him. Knowing he's had unprotected sex with so many women makes me physically ill and I don't think I could bring myself to touch him again. Now I see him as gross, dirty, contaminated. Like he held my hand and I felt the need to go wash them. I feel like I need to be doused in Lysol when he tries to hug me. I am looking at him in a completely different way. I once looked at him as my amazing, perfect, loving husband. Now he just looks like a walking virus and cesspool of bacteria. STI tests were all clean miraculously but the sight of him just creeps me out now. I thought he was a god, I thought he was the sexiest guy ever. Now he's not even remotely attractive and I find him completely repulsive.... not even out of anger or sadness. He just looks gross to me now. How do you ever get past that?

I'm almost 3 weeks out after learning of years of infidelity, mostly with random people and his details are fuzzy even when it would work in his favor, so I know he's being honest.

He's been doing all the right things above and beyond, hasn't blamed me, gave me open access to everything, put himself in therapy once I pointed out to him it could be a mental disorder. I can't stop attacking him. I can't stop the moments I lash out in anger and belittle him. One minute I'm supportive and encouraging the next I'm in a rage putting him down.

Last night he had the urge to text people and go do something. I was relieved he told me but devastated my amazing husband is next to me in bed telling me he is thinking about planning to see women.

How do I help my rage? I am in weekly therapy to begin intensive outpatient therapy this week. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I see he is a broken man who finally knows what's wrong and I'm struggling to see that sometimes through my own pain.

How could he do the things he did. How could he repeatedly sleep with each of these 10 women and come home and profess his undying love for. How could he perform oral sex on another woman, have sex with her and then come home and kiss me with the taste of her still on his lips. How can I ever be expected to believe that after years of lies he ever loved me at all?

I found out 7 days ago my perfect husband and my perfect life were all a lie. He has a 2 month old baby with another woman. He admitted later potentially another with the same woman. There have been 10 total women. He claims he cannot remember some names. He left work early to meet women. He had sex with them in cemeteries and parking lots during the daytime.

I am sick. My entire marriage has been a lie. I don't know who this person is. We have an incredible sex life, 2-3 times a day. Sometimes he exhausts me.

But now he's doing therapy. He's desperate not to lose me. I can't help but just think it's more manipulative tactics.

I'm looking for any positives... anything you've got. A positive story.