Day 4 I'm suddenly feeling better which made me feel like shit
My mom (51F) has been in comfort care for four days now due to terminal lung cancer, her condition drops quiet drastically everyday which grinds out that bitty hope in me that she might get back up again, she did that a few times now during her battle with cancer. Also we first got to the hospital for her second infusion of this new drug actually, only to get admitted quickly into icu and being declared that they run out off treatment plans and suggested comfort care, nothing actually changed just added pain management, they really ran out of treatment plans
I'm the only caretaker for her here all other family are back in the home country, my grandparents who are both mid 90s and my uncle her brother who just had a heartattack. For the past three days I feel like I was crying my eyeballs out and just couldn't stop start sobbing randomly, sometimes I don't even dare looking at her with the high flow on, even knowing that's making her feeling better but gosh she was so alive of a person before all this. Memories of her youth and our past would come up and struck me even harder with pain and sorrow. And guilt, I should be here with her earlier, I left her fighting cancer alone for too long and now our shared memories gonna be so short and so painful. Wtf have I done.
But somehow I just suddenly stopped crying today, like I still feel that rush seeing her and thinking us, still want to smash my head open when seeing myself in the mirror, But I couldn't cry, I howled and sobbed dry today, I started to get on my phone today like I'm doing now, and deep inside me I know I'm not feeling as intense, and that's probably why. And all this make me 10x worse but it's also such a selfish and self conscious feeling. Wtf is wrong with me? Even writing this in such an insanely calm and rational tone scares me, have I lost my sense and feelings toward her or the worst of the worst case, that deeply I don't actually love her enough so I accepted it and recovered only after three days? Wtf is wrong with me.