u/Beginning_Cicada_608

Am I being irrational when i say this? My bf and i have been dating for 18 months, and he's perfect, he has given me the pass to his accounts voluntarily even when i told him not to, he writes paragraphs for me when im asleep, describes things even idk about myself, and for a fact, i have been the same, i have this hybrid type of phone if ykwim, its like a nokia-button phone but has a touch screen (strict parents lol) and i texted him from THAT, i didnt tell him but it was something i wanted to do since i had no other option. He reassures me when im insecure, and my relationship with my parents is not so great so he never questions when i dont reply to his messages. And i honestly, do not reply early because i dont have the instagram app, and i have to login on incognito everytime, which is tiring. He still doesn't question me, he understands me, is always somehow there when i need him even when i cant do the same, he wishes me good night everyday with 8 more messages which include ily and stuff, he never uses the short form btw, and im smh never able to reply to it because...I DONT HAVE A PHONE, im using my laptop to write this btw. Anyways, coming to the real thing here, i wanna explore and talk to new people, i know it sounds crazy, i have a keeper, a bf ppl would kill for and smh? i still wanna break up, im not even sure if i want to anymore every single time i think about him, i feel like something is wrong with me but i dont wanna lock in one person as a teen "yes this is the loml," type of this, i cant do it, but he's all into it, he would even fight his parents for me and im not kidding when i say he has dont every possible thing to keep me happy, i just dont wanna marry him and i know for a fact, the more i stay, the more im gonna get attached and hurt him even more, its so bad, i feel so guilty, i hate myself for it, the thing is, i care about him, A LOT, i want him to be friends with me, but im not sure he'd want the same, i think i will ruin relationships for him, and the worst part? he's a part of my friend group too, so thats gonna break too, maybe...its so difficult for me, ive talked to my closest friends and one said i should wait since i only developed this thought a few days ago, another said i should tell him what i feel (which i wont, i just cant), and another said i should maybe take a break, or break up. Im thinking of meeting him irl one time, if i feel the spark then im gonna leave this, it may be because i havent seen him for so long but if i dont feel a spark...then im gonna have to end it, i cant keep deceiving him, i feel like such an a*hole, how is one supposed to tell the person who loves them that they just dont feel the spark anymore after all their s/o has done for them. I may get hate for this, i know i might be the bad person here but i hope this reaches the right audience. He deserves so much better and i dont think ill be able to date after i break up any time soon, by exploring new people i mean talking to them, and...acting like an average teen these days, not dating btw, just wanted to clarify that. He's one of the best people i will ever know, even if i was born 10 times he'd still be too good for me and ik i sound like a brown guy breaking up with their gf rn, its true. Its difficult to leave someone youve spent 18 months talking every day to. Please help me.

Am I being irrational when i say this? My bf and i have been dating for 18 months, and he's perfect, he has given me the pass to his accounts voluntarily even when i told him not to, he writes paragraphs for me when im asleep, describes things even idk about myself, and for a fact, i have been the same, i have this hybrid type of phone if ykwim, its like a nokia-button phone but has a touch screen (strict parents lol) and i texted him from THAT, i didnt tell him but it was something i wanted to do since i had no other option. He reassures me when im insecure, and my relationship with my parents is not so great so he never questions when i dont reply to his messages. And i honestly, do not reply early because i dont have the instagram app, and i have to login on incognito everytime, which is tiring. He still doesn't question me, he understands me, is always somehow there when i need him even when i cant do the same, he wishes me good night everyday with 8 more messages which include ily and stuff, he never uses the short form btw, and im smh never able to reply to it because...I DONT HAVE A PHONE, im using my laptop to write this btw. Anyways, coming to the real thing here, i wanna explore and talk to new people, i know it sounds crazy, i have a keeper, a bf ppl would kill for and smh? i still wanna break up, im not even sure if i want to anymore every single time i think about him, i feel like something is wrong with me but i dont wanna lock in one person as a teen "yes this is the loml," type of this, i cant do it, but he's all into it, he would even fight his parents for me and im not kidding when i say he has dont every possible thing to keep me happy, i just dont wanna marry him and i know for a fact, the more i stay, the more im gonna get attached and hurt him even more, its so bad, i feel so guilty, i hate myself for it, the thing is, i care about him, A LOT, i want him to be friends with me, but im not sure he'd want the same, i think i will ruin relationships for him, and the worst part? he's a part of my friend group too, so thats gonna break too, maybe...its so difficult for me, ive talked to my closest friends and one said i should wait since i only developed this thought a few days ago, another said i should tell him what i feel (which i wont, i just cant), and another said i should maybe take a break, or break up. Im thinking of meeting him irl one time, if i feel the spark then im gonna leave this, it may be because i havent seen him for so long but if i dont feel a spark...then im gonna have to end it, i cant keep deceiving him, i feel like such an a*hole, how is one supposed to tell the person who loves them that they just dont feel the spark anymore after all their s/o has done for them. I may get hate for this, i know i might be the bad person here but i hope this reaches the right audience. He deserves so much better and i dont think ill be able to date after i break up any time soon, by exploring new people i mean talking to them, and...acting like an average teen these days, not dating btw, just wanted to clarify that. He's one of the best people i will ever know, even if i was born 10 times he'd still be too good for me and ik i sound like a brown guy breaking up with their gf rn, its true. Its difficult to leave someone youve spent 18 months talking every day to. Please help me.