48 days later....
I can finally say I didn't deserve the way you were treating me.
At the end of it all I was terrified of you. You threw things at I shut down and couldn't say a word. The gallon jug came at me as I shouted "Stop! Stop throwing things at me!" As the jug almost hit me you yelled "I'm not throwing anything!"
You called me a liar. You made me feel crazy. I began therapy a month before this happened because you were yelling as I was crying and you were punching the bed. It was so loud a neighbor girl called the property manager to report domestic violence and the property manager talked to me the next day asking how I was and I said "oh I'm fine. Thank you." And she said there was a report and if you were hurting me. I said "Oh no. Just an argument."
It wasn't an argument. It was me doing my checklist of chores everyday after my full time job so you could come home and eat and play the game. After a while I could always tell and prepare myself for when something wasn't good enough. Usually "I have no work clothes that are clean" even though you threw your clothes everywhere and I couldn't tell what was clean and what was dirty. After spending $30 a week on just your clothes to be washed, I never had money. I always bought the groceries, washed the clothes, bought gifts for any birthdays and everything else. I was yelled at and belittled for Christmas. I was belittled for not saying thank you for the flowers and gifts you got me for Valentine's Day even though I was smiling from ear to ear and gave you a kiss and a hug because we agreed on no gifts.
Maybe I am the bad guy. Maybe I am. But honestly as much as this sucks and as much as I miss you and as much as I feel fucked up for still loving you. I am not happy. I smile every single day. The 1 day I wasn't my friend asked me immediately if I was okay before I even noticed. 1 day out of 48 days. That's pretty good. I finished therapy. She keeps saying I made the right choice. Everyone does.
If I made the right choice and I know I did, why do I still defend you? Why do I still love you?
I hate myself for all of this because I know the story you're telling people. I'm crazy and I did nothing for the apartment and I'm lazy. That I lied about you throwing things even though the property manager said "He told me 'Yeah I threw things towards her'." I have never felt so betrayed in my life knowing the person I sacrificed everything for intentionally did a violent act towards me. The way I am living now, everything is clean. My pets are happy and thriving unlike before. Mentally I am free. Windows are open and light shines in through the windows.
I miss you but I don't.
I love you but sometimes I just wish I'd stop loving you.
Have a good life.