u/Bell-Abject

Okay, where do I start? Lately, I’ve been told to go back on my meds and go to therapy. I feel like they are completely invalidating my own healing process. I made the choice to stop all medications—it was a brutal transition, but it was the decision I chose. I have found my own way to heal from trauma. My therapy is journaling and leaning on my social circle. Therapy isn't for everyone; it requires a certain mindset, and believe me, I’ve tried. It's just not for me.

​My ex gave me an ultimatum: go back on meds and therapy, or be excluded from her life. I chose not to, because it’s my life. I really dislike that others are trying to force a decision on me, making me feel unheard and ignored. I’ve been putting in the work and doing fine with my recovery. Apparently, she is only doing this because another person suggested she block me so I would comply.

​Everything was fine up until this point; our last conversations were just about going to a strawberry festival. I thought things were good. I even stated through text that I felt like my boundaries were being forced upon. I get that people have to focus on their own lives, but I wanted to build a friendship here. If building a friendship means not advocating for myself, then I’d rather end things now.

​One of my biggest lessons in life is to stop being a people-pleaser. I’m not going to please others just because they want me to do something I already know doesn't work for me. There are many ways to heal from trauma, and I don’t want anyone taking away my autonomy. This trauma is mine to tackle. How I process it is not up for discussion.

Okay how do I explain this... I was in a relationship for 7 years. I am a Fearful avoidant. The relationship started out great but as time went on... I started to get scared... from birth I was taught that emotions = bad things happening... I never experienced parental love... so it put me in a big disadvantage in my Adulthood. Then I was fighting for my life as I grew up with abuse then... expected to take care of my two sister at the age of 8 years old. I had to grow up without an outlet. I couldn't do what I want, I wanted to do sports but my responsibilities with my sisters got in the way. At a young age I decided that im not going to... be like my parents who was a drunk and a drug addict. My family used me. They just wanted to control me... I remember going to a behavioral clinic for 6 weeks because I talked back. I acted out alot because my needs wasn't being met...

Its not like they would of listened to me if I told them I was being physically and mentally abused. I had to endure. My life was one big joke to them. I told myself when I turn 18 im going to leave their asses. Thats exactly what I did in 2018.

Then I met this girl online... who was so kind and nice. She helped me go from homeless man to having a cushy income. She didn't ask for a cent. For awhile she made me forget my internal fears that I had in my life. She made me happy to be alive. I remember these feelings. Its still in my heart. But something changed in me.

I was relying on her too much to regulate me. I wasn't taught how to self regulate. She tried to get me to understand everything which led to fights. I just dismissed her. I destroyed her emotionally. I didn't want to face my trauma. It consumed me. Which led to our separation in 2025. During that separation... I learned something very important. What she showed was Selfless love. Love without expectations.

During that year... I have went through so much... pain. I had so many episodes I slept so much where I was sleeping most of the time. I quit my job. But it wasn't til like couple months ago I made a vow to myself.

" I would never dismissed my partner ever again. I would give all of myself to them. No matter how hard it was I would face it scared. No matter how scary things got I would continue foward. "

During this time of healing. I wrote a letter to her. I told myself if I talk to her ill share it with her. Which leads to now.

She told me shes glad I moved forward... after reconnecting with her recently. I have accepted the fact she might have had been better off if she didn't meet me.

I took accountability for my actions and I was so scared when I texted her. We even explained on how things went. We were giggling and laughing. She was mentioning about finances. And how things went.

I am experiencing so much joy. I just want to live in this moment forever. No matter how I feel about her. I damaged her... im still trying to forgive myself. She was so good to me. I feel so unworthy of her time. Right now shes been texting me about how her day is going. I feel so close to her but I feel so scared of making the same mistakes and falling back into that toxic pattern again.

What are your thoughts? I know i have ended a cycle but this is going to require so much hardwork and effort.

​

My current perspective is the result of significant personal failures in previous relationships. I recognize that I was once an inadequate partner; I lacked transparency, dismissed the emotional needs of others, and prioritized my own desires above all else. These were difficult lessons learned through experience, but they were necessary for my development.

I have since undergone a fundamental shift in how I approach companionship. I now strive to be attentive and empathetic, placing my partner's needs at the forefront. This growth stems from the realization that genuine love is inherently selfless—a concept I had not previously experienced or understood.

While I carry the weight of my past regrets, I have chosen to be entirely honest with my current partner about my history. Despite my past mistakes, she continues to hold me in high regard, and I deeply value her continued support and perspective.

I have made a solemn commitment to never again disregard a partner’s feelings. My focus is now on maintaining selflessness and fostering open communication. Although this transition has been challenging, the progress I have made is measurable. While some may judge me based on my history, I believe in the power of accountability. By accepting responsibility for my actions, I am now able to cultivate a healthy, communicative, and meaningful relationship.