My dog just died. I've never grieved a living thing like this before. Just want to vent.
I'm not really sure if I'll keep this up or check back because I feel like how my brain wants to handle this changes by the minute so fast it's giving me whiplash. One second it's like nothing's real and I'm looking through a TV screen (normal stress response for me, dissociation is my go-to) and the next I can't stop sobbing.
He was 12 and a half. It was a gastric volvulus. I always thought he'd die of old age where there'd be signs, like he'd slow down, but he was fine until last night and this morning he was worse and we had to rush him to the emergency vet.
I'm 24. I have some memory issues, some from health conditions, a lot from trauma. I don't recall my childhood very well. We got him as a puppy. I feel like I barely remember existing without him.
I've had migraine attacks almost daily, most of the day, for the past month, so I haven't really been hanging out or playing with him as much. I thought there'd be more time.
We put him to sleep because there was nothing they could do. I wasn't ready to leave him yet even though he was gone. I held him during the injection and I wanted to keep holding him because I knew he was dead but he wasn't to me. He didn't feel dead and I just wanted to stay there, but my parents drove, and they were grieving in their own way and had stayed long enough, and they wanted to go. But I wish I got to hold him longer. I don't know if it could've ever been enough, though.
Can't go in the kitchen without breaking down crying because his treats and food are there. Can't move them yet because I just feel like I'm not allowed to and it would be wrong for reasons I can't articulate.
That's it, I think. That's most of what's going through my head right now. I'm scared the physical pain I've been going through will get worse from the stress but that's taken a backseat to how overwhelmingly sad or numb I feel at any given moment. I miss him so much already. I need to go to bed soon because I've been up all night and I'm dreading waking up and remembering that he's gone all over again.