u/BeneficialRip6350

I think a lot of trans women mistake politeness for passing.

I'm at the point where I haven't been misgendered by a stranger in over a year and no one stares at me on public transport or when using the women's restroom.

But I also live in a progressive city so people generally understand that you're supposed to address a trans woman as she.

So if you wanted to remove politeness from the equation and genuinely stress test your passing, where would you go? How can I get honest irl feedback?

I'm convinced a huge percentage of "allies" don't actually support LGBT people. They support an aesthetic.

I noticed this long before I transitioned.

Growing up gay, I wasn't the loud, camp, hyper-feminine "yas queen 💅" stereotype that straight women seem to adore. I was just an introverted guy who happened to be into men.

And it's amazing how quickly you become invisible when you don't fit the role they had in mind.

So many straight women grow up consuming media where every female protagonist has a sassy gay best friend. He's basically a handbag that talks. He's there to gas her up, tell her she looks amazing, gossip about boys and provide comic relief. They don't see him as a complete person with his own personality. He's an accessory.

If you're gay but introverted, shy or nerdy, they don't know what to do with you because you've broken the fantasy.

A lot of cishet women don't actually want trans women. They want a Gay++ Premium.

They want someone fabulous, outrageous, dripping in glitter, obsessed with RuPaul, permanently drunk at Pride, constantly serving one-liners and giving them stories to tell their friends. Messy and outrageous. The perfect accessory to their life.

They'll go to the drag brunch, take up all the space at the gay bars, insist on taking fifty selfies together, post "protect trans lives 🏳️‍⚧️🥺" every June and tell everyone how much they "love the dolls."

Then ask them whether they'd support trans women adopting children.

Whether they would accept their kid coming out as trans.

Whether they'd date a man who had previously dated a trans woman.

Watch how quickly the vibes change.

Because the allyship was never about us. It was about them. About looking progressive.

The second you stop being entertaining and start being a normal woman with normal wants, like wanting a family, a career, privacy and to be left the fuck alone, a depressing number of these "allies" suddenly become a lot less enthusiastic.

That's why I've stopped being impressed by Pride selfies and rainbow flags. None of that means anything.

I've been transitioned for like 7 years now and lately I keep having this fantasy of just... stopping.

For basically my entire transition, passing was the goal. I wanted to be able to exist as a normal woman without constantly thinking about being trans, and I did pretty much everything within my power to get there. HRT, laser, voice training, FFS, BA, body contouring, the whole fucking transition skill tree.

And to be fair, I got pretty far. I've been living full-time as a woman for about 3 years and I pass reasonably well. I don't get stared at in the street and get gendered correctly all the time.

But I started at 6ft with a relatively masculine build and there's only so much you can actually change. Even after all of this, I still get nervous in public. I still analyse people's reactions. I still wonder if I've been clocked. If someone looks at me slightly too long my brain immediately goes there. I still get nervous in the women's toilets or changing rooms.

And increasingly I'm asking myself: was all of this actually worth it?

The early years of transition were genuinely exciting. Everything was new. I made trans friends. I started presenting differently. I dated guys. Every little change felt like progress towards this future version of myself where I'd finally "make it."

But eventually transition stops being a project and just becomes your life.

And I'm not sure I particularly like my life more now.

I pass well enough that strangers generally just see a woman, but I assume anyone who spends enough time around me can eventually clock me. Men are perfectly happy to sleep with me or casually date me, but actually getting someone to commit feels like an entirely different game.

And even if I pass, I'm never going to be a conventionally attractive woman. That's something I've had to slowly accept. Being a woman also means I've somehow inherited all the insane beauty standards that come with it, except I'm trying to meet them after male puberty. It's exhausting.

Even my career feels like it's stalled. Maybe this is partly in my head, but I constantly feel like at my current company I'm not just me. I'm "the trans woman." It feels like this one characteristic completely eclipses everything else about me.

And lately I keep fantasising about just becoming a feminine/androgynous gay guy.

Get my implants removed. Cut my hair. Stop trying to pass. Wear whatever I want. Just be some slightly weird feminine dude and call it a day.

And the weirdly appealing part isn't even "being a man."

It's the idea of not having to try anymore.

No more analysing my shoulders in mirrors. No more wondering if my outfit makes me look clocky. No more worrying about whether my voice dropped an octave and someone figured it out. No more feeling like I need another surgery to fix another thing. No more comparing myself to cis women and feeling like I'm playing the same game on nightmare difficulty.

I'd just be a guy.

I wouldn't need to pass as anything. I wouldn't need to be beautiful. Being tall or broad wouldn't be a problem anymore. Half the things I've spent years desperately trying to hide would suddenly just be completely normal.

I don't even know if I actually want to detransition.

I think I'm just exhausted from feeling like my entire existence is a performance I'm constantly being graded on.

And there's something incredibly seductive about imagining I could just quit.

I genuinely think one of the most depressing parts of being a trans woman is realising how basic transition actually is.

It's basically:

• Take HRT.
• Get laser.
• Do voice training.
• Get FFS if you can afford it.
• SRS

...and then pray your genetics carry you.

That's it. That's the whole playbook.

If you're lucky enough to have a naturally feminine frame, HRT can do some incredible work.

If you're tall, broad shouldered, have a huge ribcage, big hands, big feet, or just an overall masculine build, you're kind of screwed. There just isn't much modern medicine can do about most of that.

It's honestly amazing how basic it all is. People talk about transition like it's this incredibly complex thing, but for most trans women the options haven't really changed in decades.

At some point you've done everything you're supposed to do. You're on HRT. You've had laser. You've voice training. Maybe you've even had FFS.

Then what?

For a lot of people, the answer is simply... that's it. That's the end of the line.

Whether you end up consistently passing or remain visibly trans often comes down to the genetic hand you were dealt before you ever started. That's a really difficult thing to come to terms with, especially when you've put years of effort, emotion, and money into transition.

I just wish there were more. Better treatments. More options. Something beyond the same five recommendations everyone has been giving for the last few decades.

What frustrates me is that binary trans spaces often seem to gradually stop being about binary trans people.

I've started attending a trans support group because it's one of the requirements before I can be signed off for SRS. Until now, I've gone through almost my entire transition without really being involved in the wider trans community, so this has been my first real experience of it.

What surprised me was how heavily the group is made up of afab people who identify as non-binary, many of whom aren't on HRT and have no intention of medically transitioning.

I genuinely don't care how anyone identifies or presents. That's their business.

What becomes frustrating is that discussions about binary transition often end up being redirected into conversations that don't actually address the problem being discussed.

For example, a trans woman was talking about the distress of not passing and being consistently misgendered. Several non-binary people shifted the conversation towards "gender is a spectrum" and the idea that wanting to pass is somehow unhealthy. One suggested she should "wear a pronoun badge to pass more often." I suggested voice training, since her voice was clearly contributing to the issue, only to be told that "women can have deep voices too." by one of the enbies.

She was asking how to be consistently perceived as female by strangers. Responding with slogans about gender or exceptions to the rule doesn't actually help someone whose goal is to pass.

That's where it starts to feel like the space isn't really serving binary trans people anymore.

I don't think binary trans people should have to apologise for wanting spaces where they can primarily talk to other binary trans people. That isn't saying non-binary people are less valid. It's simply recognising that our experiences, priorities, and goals are often quite different.

The irony is that if a support group specifically for non-binary people were constantly dominated by binary trans people steering every discussion back towards binary experiences, I think most people would agree that was unfair. Yet when the reverse happens, we're often expected to accept it without question.

I'm honestly glad I didn't spend much time in these spaces early in my transition. If I'd been struggling to pass and asking for practical advice, only to be told things like "gender is a spectrum," "wear a pronoun badge," or "women can have deep voices too," I think it would have driven me mad.

I'm 34 and I've been working as a software developer for about 10 years. I've been in my current job for the last five, and I'm still a mid-level developer.

For the past couple of years I've been incredibly bored. We switched to a tech stack that I don't particularly enjoy, but I tried to see it as a positive, a chance to learn something new. Instead, I feel like I've completely plateaued. I don't feel challenged anymore, and I'm not really learning. However I had certain financial commitments so I really didn't want to risk switching jobs and losing this stable position.

I also haven't been promoted during those five years, even though I know I'm a much better developer than when I started. Rationally, I can see how much I've improved, but emotionally I still feel like an impostor.

To make matters worse, I'm surrounded by male colleagues who are very confident, outspoken, and willing to back themselves. I'm the complete opposite. I constantly second-guess myself, which makes it hard to judge whether I'm actually capable or just fooling myself. I'm hesitant to speak up in meetings or volunteer for high-visibility work because I'm always worried I'm not good enough.

I think what scares me most is that I genuinely don't know whether I'm actually a competent developer or whether I've somehow managed to coast through the last 10 years. Sometimes I wonder if I'm simply not smart enough for this career and I've just been lucky to stay employed. Other times I think I've outgrown my current role and would probably thrive somewhere that challenged me more. I honestly can't tell which is true.

Lately I've had this growing feeling that I need to make a change. Maybe it's simply finding a new job where I can learn again. Maybe it's something bigger, like changing careers entirely.

The problem is that my lack of confidence makes every option feel risky. I can't tell whether this feeling is genuine intuition that I've outgrown my current role, or whether it's just fear convincing me I'm not capable of taking the next step.

I'm also aware the tech job market feels pretty uncertain at the moment, so I'm scared of leaving a stable job only to struggle in a new role or fail probation.

Has anyone else gone through something similar in their 30s? Have you ever genuinely questioned whether you were smart enough for your career? How did you figure out whether your self-doubt was telling you something important, or whether it was just holding you back?

I'm posting here because I honestly don't know where else this story belongs, and I'm hoping some people here might have advice.

When I was around 20, I was a virgin, about 5'6", autistic, very skinny, and had absolutely no success with women. I became convinced I was fundamentally unattractive and socially broken.

Like a lot of people in that position, I ended up spending a lot of time on incel forums. Looking back, that made everything much worse. I became completely convinced that my future was predetermined and that I'd be alone forever.

Around that time I came across the idea of "transmaxxing", the idea of transitioning to live as a woman because it would supposedly lead to a better life socially. Especially if you're a hopeless incel like me.

I was already dealing with a huge amount of self-hatred, and that idea latched onto me. It wasn't really about gender dysphoria or finally becoming my true self. It was more that I'd completely given up on ever being happy as a man.

So I ordered hormones online and started medically transitioning.

Over time I got pretty far into the process. I eventually started living as a woman full-time and even dated men. I'm not actually attracted to men, I just still had this intense self-loathing and didn't feel like I deserved to try dating women.

I've been transitioned 5 years. Transitioning didn't actually get rid of my incel mindset. Even once I was basically passing as a woman in day-to-day life, I still carried the same feelings of inadequacy, low self-worth and social anxiety. I still had a lot of toxic feelings towards women too.

Recently I've had a bit of a breakdown and realised I don't want to continue living like this.

I've decided I'd like to detransition and try to build a normal life as a man instead.

I'm aware it won't be straightforward. My testosterone will probably take time to recover, and despite cutting my hair short I still get read as female by strangers most of the time. I'm hoping that changes gradually.

I know my story is unusual, but I'm wondering if anyone has advice on rebuilding your life after spending years convinced you were beyond saving.

I'd appreciate any advice, even if it's just from people who managed to leave the incel mindset behind and build a normal life.

I see a lot of people framing Gangle as Jax's abuse victim, and Jax as this irredeemable abuser.

If you genuinely believe that's what's happening, shouldn't you also have a similar level of contempt for the rest of the cast?

Apart from Zooble occasionally telling Jax to knock it off, everyone else mostly watches it happen. Ragatha, Pomni, Kinger and even Caine don't seriously intervene or treat it as some horrific situation that needs to be stopped. Even Zooble only really starts forming a friendship with Gangle as the series progresses, so it's not as though they're constantly stepping in to protect her either.

So which is it?

Either Jax is mostly an obnoxious asshole whose behaviour isn't being framed in-universe as severe abuse, or he really is an abuser and the rest of the cast are repeatedly enabling it.

It seems strange to treat Jax as morally monstrous while giving everyone else a complete pass for standing by and doing essentially nothing.

I'm 24M. I'm kind of failing in life as a guy. I'm socially awkward and autistic and 5'6. I've also got a naturally slim / skinny build that I've tried to change through going to the gym and lifting weights but it hasn't really worked out.

I have zero success with dating because of the above issues.

I'm considering giving transmaxxing a try. I've ordered HRT and have it sitting in my room.

Should I try and troon out?

Pics of my face provided so you can tell me if I have the potential to actually pass. Can provide more pics if needed.

https://preview.redd.it/htqycracgeeh1.jpg?width=2316&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=13f02544de6885a652aa45a9a56f87202fb1ab9e

https://preview.redd.it/4ce2e5vdgeeh1.jpg?width=2316&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=bd6829927afe7d484c13e4193dc8321b1b0d8c0b

My dad is genuinely my biggest hater.

I love Gaelic football. I'm Irish, and it's one of the few things in life that consistently brings me joy. I play whenever I can.

When I was a kid, he wouldn't take me to training. I had to organise lifts with friends, hope my mum could bring me, or figure it out myself.

He never came to watch me play either, despite me asking him over and over. I really wanted him to see me play. He'd played Gaelic football himself when he was younger, so I always thought he'd be interested. But there was always an excuse.

Eventually, I accepted it. I stopped expecting him to show up. He'd still ask how the matches went. If I told him we'd won, there was never a "Well done" or "Brilliant." Instead it'd be, "Sure the other team were shite." There was always a reason it didn't count.

Then last weekend we played the best team from the league above us. We got absolutely battered. One of those defeats that's so one-sided it's just embarrassing :(

The next morning, before I'd even said anything, he came over with this gleeful look on his face and said, "Doesn't look like you do very well when you come up against real competition."

I told him to go fuck himself.

He completely blew up, saying I was spoiled, a sore loser, and that he was "only having a bit of fun." My mum actually stepped between us because she thought it was about to turn into a fight.

That's the energy I grew up with.

No lifts to training. No standing on the sideline. No encouragement after wins. But the second there's a bad result? Suddenly he's there, ready to rub it in.

Some people have parents who are their biggest supporters.

Mine always seemed much more interested in being an asshole to me.

What a fucking wanker.

tldr: my dad is an asshole who seems to enjoy when I fail at things that are important to me.

I rewatched the episode where Vegeta & Nappa invaded Arlia recently and I'm fascinated by their time working for Frieza conquering planets.

I wonder if they ever had challenging fights that pushed them? It seems like saiyans love challenging battles so I wonder if they ever got that.

I've noticed a pattern whenever men ask for dating advice online.

If you admit you're struggling, a lot of people won't engage with what you're actually saying. Instead, they'll start looking for reasons why you deserve to be struggling. They'll assume you're entitled, misogynistic, creepy, or that you must secretly hate women. Every sentence gets interpreted in the least charitable way possible.

You can explicitly say you respect women, are open to criticism, have worked on yourself, and genuinely want advice. It often doesn't matter. People will search for some hidden flaw in your character rather than taking your question at face value.

Constructive advice is great. If someone points out something you can improve, that's valuable. But there's a big difference between saying, "Here's something that might help," and, "You're lonely because you're fundamentally a bad person."

The result is that a lot of men stop asking for help altogether. Not because they think they're beyond improvement, but because every attempt to discuss their experiences turns into a character trial.

Ironically, I think this makes things worse for everyone. If we want people to become healthier, more socially skilled, and more empathetic, we need spaces where they can admit they're struggling without immediately being treated as suspects.

Loneliness isn't evidence of moral failure. Sometimes it's just someone asking for help.

For any women reading this, I'd genuinely recommend trying a small experiment. Create a throwaway account, pretend to be a man who's struggling with dating, and ask for advice on a popular dating subreddit.

Be as polite as possible. Be receptive to criticism. Acknowledge people's suggestions. Avoid blaming women or acting entitled.

I think you'll be surprised by how much suspicion, hostility, and scorn you receive anyway. It's an interesting way to experience firsthand how quickly people can assume the worst about someone simply because they're an unsuccessful man asking for help.

Hey! I thought I'd give this a shot and see what happens.

A little about me:

I'm originally from Ireland but have been living in London for the past few years. It feels like home now.

I love punk, metal, indie, and alternative music, and you'll usually find me at gigs whenever I can. Outside of that, I'm just as happy exploring London's hidden gems, wandering around museums and galleries, checking out quirky pubs, or spending the evening curled up with a good film.

I'm also into anime and train Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu several times a week, which has become one of my favourite hobbies. I work in tech as a programmer, and if you're into Myers Brigs personality types, I'm an INFP.

Appearance-wise, I'm tall (5'11), white with green eyes and brown hair. I have one tattoo so far, but I'm already planning the next few.

Ultimately, I'm looking for someone who wants to build something real together rather than endlessly dating without a destination. I'd love to meet someone who's kind, curious, and excited about sharing both the little everyday moments and bigger adventures.

If you think we'd get along, send me a message telling me a little about yourself, a brief physical description, and what your ideal first date would be.

Thanks for reading, and hopefully speak soon. x

He seems to be everywhere now, and the whole concept of looksmaxxing has become borderline mainstream.

But what has he actually achieved through looksmaxxing?

To me, it seems like the vast majority of what he has comes down to genetics. He's 6'1", naturally handsome, and has a strong facial structure. Those aren't things you can really attribute to looksmaxxing.

Looking at his "before and after":

• Acne / skincare: He had acne as a teenager, and now his skin is clear. That's a genuine improvement, but plenty of people naturally grow out of acne, and basic skincare isn't exactly some revolutionary discovery. W.
• Gym / steroids: He got into good shape for a while, but nowadays he barely seems to lift and has a physique that's only slightly above average. If that's after taking steroids and accepting all the associated health risks, that seems like an L.
• Face tapping / "bone smashing": As far as I'm aware, there's no credible evidence this actually changes facial structure. At this point it feels more like a meme than a serious technique. L.
• Nose job: The general consensus seems to be that his rhinoplasty actually made him look worse rather than better. L.

So when people point to him as the ultimate success story for looksmaxxing, I'm not really seeing it. It looks more like a naturally attractive guy with good genetics than someone who transformed himself through looksmaxxing.