u/BeyondRockBottom_

So, I'm a few days away from having to face the consequences of my actions. And as you fellow gambling addicts know, we can always scrap together a hundred dollars to gamble.

I'm $15k in debt with some of those debts being payday loans and some of it being money I've stolen, that is, it is from an account I'm in charge of and you know the drill, you "borrow" some money intended to pay it back with your winnings before anyone ever knows it's missing or gone.

Yeah, I'm beyond fucked and beyond hate myself yada yada yada you know how the self loathing goes.

So, I scrape together that hundred and I go online and I run it up to $3k which is enough to put the money back that I "borrowed" and it is also enough for me to put out some immediate fires and figure out a solution to my bullshit.

And of course, I slowly lose it and now I'm down to $20. FML. And then of course the gambling gods decide to have some fun and I go on another heater, run it up to $4k inside of an hour but...

I'm well into the fugue state. That state of being where I'm just one with the gambling and can't think beyond the next bet. I tell myself "You need to cash out" and like a Twilight Zone episode that thought falls down a deep dark well never to see the light again until 6 hours later I am completed busted.

What is the point of gambling if I can't stop when I win? I know this, and yet I do it again and again promising that if I can only win enough I'll never gamble again.

Well, I hope this sad and sorry story helps someone with their quitting and/or abstinence.

I had over ten years of sobriety and then I took advantage of a free gambling coupon for some new online game and of course I won some money and that was that, a decade of sobriety thrown away into the trash and all the money I've managed to save and my 740 credit rating ruined.

TRIGGER WARNING-- I DISCUSS MY RECENT BOUT OF GAMBLING

I owe $6k and unless a miracle happens in the next week I'm beyond screwed.

So, I managed to squeeze out $200 and I deposit online and I play my drug of choice, Roulette.

I'm about $6k in the hole life wise, but if I could make $1.5k that buys me a month of breathing space and options.

I get down to $20 and then I catch fire and next thing I know, I'm up $1900. And then I remember thinking "Ok, I need to cash out $1500" and that is the last conscious thought I have before I go into that fugue state we all know so well. It's like a fog setting over my mind...

For the next 3 hours I bounce back and forth between $600 and $2000 which statistically speaking is ridiculously hard to do in a game like roulette.

I then spiral down to $0 and that is when I "wake up"

At this point, I don't even feel disgust anymore. I feel so very very tired. I'm so tired of this bullshit. I'm so tired that I'm at this stage when I know better.

I was sober for about 10 years and then I slipped off the wagon a few months ago. And just like that, 10 years worth of being financially responsible wiped away in just a few months.

The pressure of what I owe just keeps compelling me to gamble until I am now at the point where my "only" way out is to win my way out which I know is just not gonna happen.

I'm going to try to put some proposals together to get a loan but I give myself less than 5% chance of that. My credit is now beyond fucked with all the payday loans I took out.

I hate this so much. I swear, if I can find a way out of this, I will not slip again once I get back on the sobriety Wagon.