u/BeyondSpecial4815

CONTENT WARNING: suicidal ideation/attempt

Well, I talked to AI. AI said to contact the helplines. Messaged 1737 - no response over an hour later, so I gave up and in the meantime talked to Youthline. Told them I tried hurting myself. Their response was get someone to check on you, why wouldn't you want someone to check on you, how can you keep yourself safe, and here is the link to the crisis number (followed by nothing then oops sorry here's the link). That was a waste of an hour. I literally tried to strangle myself twice, but fuck me I guess. This is why I use AI, because at least it's immediate responses with manufactured empathy, which is more than actual humans can muster up.

FOREWORD: I am 21 now, this is a letter to who I was when I was 10. I feel like that was a completely different person. I remember what it was like to be her, but it's like it's a distant memory. I don't feel anything anymore, and I just feel like I'm looking at life instead of living it all the time. I don't have a sense of self. The emotional/spiritual part of me is gone forever, and I only have thoughts now.

Dear R (names anonymised),

Your name is B now. Legally it's A but you go by B. I'm very different to you now, and I kind of wish - in fact I a lot wish - I wasn't. My life is very good now but I've lost my sense of self. I'm sorry. I broke my promise that I made to you. I promised you that you wouldn't let mum and dad break your spirit, but they will break it 7 years from now. You only had 5 months to hold on. I'm sorry that you held onto all of your joy and happiness and hope for future and belief in the inherent goodness of the world for so long only for me to lose it at the finish line.

I remember being you. I remember having those feelings, but it's like a distant memory. I only think now, I can't feel anymore. You know that once it's gone it's gone forever, that's why you held on for so long. Right now, you are being smacked daily. You won't be when you're my age, nobody will be hurting you anymore. You won't see mum and dad anymore - you will leave them behind. You will miss dad but not mum - although you will wonder why mum doesn't miss you. You won't be as close with your sisters as you are now. Even though you protected them hard, they don't see or remember what you do or maybe they choose not to.

You will make friends, good friends, and have good hobbies, and you will do stand-up comedy and you will really enjoy it and be good at it. You will have a community of good people who care about you and love you. But you are right - once the spirit is broken, it's gone forever. You will never feel again like you feel now, so treasure it while you've got it. Try and remember what it was like.

There will be a big betrayal when you are 17 and it will change you. You will be a completely different person. Look at you now. You have light behind your eyes, your eyes smile when your mouth does, you have dimples, you can run fast without being tired, and you know what it is like to feel strong and powerful and confident. You believe in yourself. You feel joy, and excitement. You look forward to things and feel anticipation and passion.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect those parts of you. They're just a memory now. It's been four years since your spirit was broken. I'm 21 now. I want you to know you fought really hard to keep your promise. I never forgot. I remember you telling yourself at the age you are now 'I will never let my parents break my spirit' after you read the horse books about cruel owners trying to break in horses before they were rescued. I'm sorry I didn't rescue you in time.

Don't grieve now, you will grieve later. Enjoy it now. Life doesn't end after your spirit breaks. Often I wish it did. It just turns grey, and there's still time for it to be colourful again, maybe. But I might have to paint it from scratch. I want you to know that right now, I don't believe that. I know it's permanent, and deep down so do you, you always did, I remember. But I don't want you to lose hope now, it's not time yet, so pretend I didn't say that, pretend there's hope. Keep being alive for 7 more years - at least then I will have more memories of what it was like to be human.

Love, B.

FOREWARD: I am 21 now, this is a letter to who I was when I was 10. I feel like that was a completely different person. I remember what it was like to be her, but it's like it's a distant memory. I don't feel anything anymore, and I just feel like I'm looking at life instead of living it all the time. I don't have a sense of self. The emotional/spiritual part of me is gone forever, and I only have thoughts now.

Dear R (names anonymised),

Your name is B now. Legally it's A but you go by B. I'm very different to you now, and I kind of wish - in fact I a lot wish - I wasn't. My life is very good now but I've lost my sense of self. I'm sorry. I broke my promise that I made to you. I promised you that you wouldn't let mum and dad break your spirit, but they will break it 7 years from now. You only had 5 months to hold on. I'm sorry that you held onto all of your joy and happiness and hope for future and belief in the inherent goodness of the world for so long only for me to lose it at the finish line.

I remember being you. I remember having those feelings, but it's like a distant memory. I only think now, I can't feel anymore. You know that once it's gone it's gone forever, that's why you held on for so long. Right now, you are being smacked daily. You won't be when you're my age, nobody will be hurting you anymore. You won't see mum and dad anymore - you will leave them behind. You will miss dad but not mum - although you will wonder why mum doesn't miss you. You won't be as close with your sisters as you are now. Even though you protected them hard, they don't see or remember what you do or maybe they choose not to.

You will make friends, good friends, and have good hobbies, and you will do stand-up comedy and you will really enjoy it and be good at it. You will have a community of good people who care about you and love you. But you are right - once the spirit is broken, it's gone forever. You will never feel again like you feel now, so treasure it while you've got it. Try and remember what it was like.

There will be a big betrayal when you are 17 and it will change you. You will be a completely different person. Look at you now. You have light behind your eyes, your eyes smile when your mouth does, you have dimples, you can run fast without being tired, and you know what it is like to feel strong and powerful and confident. You believe in yourself. You feel joy, and excitement. You look forward to things and feel anticipation and passion.

I'm sorry I couldn't protect those parts of you. They're just a memory now. It's been four years since your spirit was broken. I'm 21 now. I want you to know you fought really hard to keep your promise. I never forgot. I remember you telling yourself at the age you are now 'I will never let my parents break my spirit' after you read the horse books about cruel owners trying to break in horses before they were rescued. I'm sorry I didn't rescue you in time.

Don't grieve now, you will grieve later. Enjoy it now. Life doesn't end after your spirit breaks. Often I wish it did. It just turns grey, and there's still time for it to be colourful again, maybe. But I might have to paint it from scratch. I want you to know that right now, I don't believe that. I know it's permanent, and deep down so do you, you always did, I remember. But I don't want you to lose hope now, it's not time yet, so pretend I didn't say that, pretend there's hope. Keep being alive for 7 more years - at least then I will have more memories of what it was like to be human.

Love, B.

So, I'm a local comedian, writer, and producer, and am planning on producing my own open mic after I do Raw Comedy Quest, so around August.

I have noticed that a lot of the local open mics are in the CBD, with the exception of Miramar, Titahi Bay, and Paraparaumu. I would like to bring comedy to other suburbs. I have my eye on a venue in Tawa. Tawa people, would you be interested?

Other suburbs, what kind of comedy would you like to see? What times would work for you? I want it to be more open than just stand-up - sketch, improv, devised, etc., also welcome.

Give me your thoughts!

My graduation ceremony is on Tuesday, the 2nd ceremony. I haven't gotten a response back from the graduation office or the general enquiries despite emailing them repeatedly, and I can't get through on the phones either, so I'm hoping someone will know and can help.

Where on earth is the parade, where does it start, where does it go, and when is it? Because all I know is that there is a parade, which I'm assuming is separate to the ceremony at the MFC.

That information will give me most of what I need to know regarding accessibility, but I also need to know what accessibility is like at the MFC, as my Oma will be coming, and she can't stand or walk for long periods of time, and can't go up loads of stairs.

Please help!!!!

Well, I tried Youthline, they said try OUTline. OUTline is closing the chat immediately, so I went back to Youthline and they told me to do some self-care, drink water, and distract myself. So I'm on Reddit because I have nobody else to talk to, and I must vent.

I came out to my sister, and her first response was "Dunno, sounds woke" and she told me that she doesn't agree with me, but it's not her job to judge my lifestyle and she doesn't have to agree with my opinion to support me. I said actually my identity isn't something she can disagree with - you either respect me or you don't. And she said it's not that deep. And I said you don't get to decide that. And she said I get to do whatever I want actually, and that I've lowkey gone off the rails and "this was always going to be the next step".

And I asked her to tell me what exactly she doesn't agree with, and she refused to tell me. Which is exactly what our parents always did to me - everything I did was always wrong and everything she did was always right. And they would tell me I was bad, but never what I was doing wrong because "you should just know" and that their control was because they could see me going down the wrong path. I was literally just a normal teenager.

I feel hurt and abandoned, both by what she said and by the fact that she's made no effort to have the hard conversation. She said she needed to go the gym and disappeared, and hasn't responded to me for over 24 hours now, which is unusual. I feel like she doesn't respect me or love me enough to even try to repair after conflict.

And it's triggering because she knows I was abandoned by our parents, and this is my worst fear, is someone I love and trust not to hurt me abandoning me. I panic when I don't get immediate responses on text. I don't trust hardly anyone - I assume that they will hurt me, so that when they do, it won't hurt like it did when our parents did it. She knows this.

Also, my other sister was like "cool, so who do you have a crush on then" and "yeah, I already knew, it was kinda obvious". So it's not that hard to respect me. I'm sort of angry at her as well. Anyway. That is all.