I See You - You Are Not Alone
We watch as our children's authentic love for and connection with us is overwritten with poison.
We see the innocent sparkle in their eyes fade. In its place is a darkness filled with contempt, inner conflict, and unspoken suffering.
We think of the late nights up with them when they were sick; comforting them when they were scared or hurt; working jobs we might have hated to pay the bills; the diapers and bottles; the playful and sweet, tender times we shared together; the bedtime stories; the special outings; the countless sleepless nights worrying about them and wondering if we were doing right by them. If we could just help them see how much we love them and how much love we've poured into them... If they could just see the clear-eyed truth...
Like quicksand, the more desperately we struggle and fight, the deeper we seem to sink. Even our smallest mistakes are amplified to monstrosity. Our good deeds are painted with nefarious narratives. All roads taken are paved in eggshells.
Lawyers and judges don't seem to understand. Many counsellors and therapists don't seem to fully grasp it. Even the most well-meaning people in our lives can't seem to fully wrap their heads around our struggles as alienated parents. At times, we gaslight, blame, and loathe ourselves. When we're asked about our families, we share partial stories, mask our pain and shame, and move on as quickly as we can. We trudge up the steepest hills in a dark dimension few can truly understand.
Beneath the surface is a torrent of pain and anguish that's hard to describe. We are caught in a nightmarish purgatory between mourning and holding out hope for reconciliation; hope for restoring our authentic, loving relationship with them; hope that we will have a place in their lives at all. But that hope comes with no guarantees and may prolong our suffering indefinitely.
When should we let go and give up on our children?
When do we abandon hope for the sake of our mental health and well-being?
The truth is that we are all imperfect and have made mistakes as parents and partners. That is what it means to be a human. But we don't deserve the rejection and malevolence, or to be criticized and judged under a microscope. Children don't reject their parents spontaneously. Only with the most severe, long-term forms of abuse or where their primary influences are indoctrinating them during developmental years to believe a sinister picture will a child reject a parent. Even with severe abuse, many children will not reject their parents.
No parent should ever have to face mourning the loss of a child.
No child should ever be weaponized or used as leverage.
Parental alienation is a tool of a deeply damaged mind and heart. It is fuelled by existential insecurity and inadequacy. It is devoid of empathy, compassion, and love. Alienation represents a lack of humanity.
Our children's rejection is not our fault. We don't deserve this. We don't deserve self-hatred or shackles of shame. We deserve peace, joy, connection, fulfillment, and love, regardless of who is or isn't part of our lives; regardless of the mistakes we've made. We deserve forgiveness and to feel seen, heard, understood, and accepted for who we are. We are all enough, just as we are right now. We deserve love and kindness today, especially from ourselves.
I needed to hear the words above as much as I needed to share them with you all.
You are not alone in this.