u/BigPound7328

Truthfully, I am the problem, but it’s okay. I can accept my lot in life.

I got a lot of issues and a lifetime of experiences and philosophies that have shaped the way I think, feel, and perceive the world around me, so much so I couldn’t really articulate it well or even begin to truly speak on it concisely. There is a lot of history and a lot of steps that landed me where I stand.

Fundamentally, I may be a tad broken. I couldn’t even begin to make sense of it really, or even if I can pinpoint when or where things slipped to loosen the screws.

Well, I suppose one of the bigger issues is that I’m emotionally… odd. I can see emotions, recognize them, and understand triggers and reactions, but I don’t really feel them. To me, they are just things itemized in my mind, not really something I feel. When emotions rise, they’re like sparks in the dark, flashes that burn then die. I watch people curiously and wonder how their emotions seem to manifest like they do. The only consistent emotion I feel is sorrow. I don’t get angry, I get annoyed. I don’t get happy, that feels misplaced. I don’t know if I feel love or be loved, it feels foreign to me. I have to put tangible actions to emotions for me to understand them whether from me or from others.

I don’t know, something isn’t quite right, and I am worried the disrepair has driven an unseen wedge between myself and others. I can laugh, I can cry, I can smile, and dance the dance, but afterwards, it all feels like a sink draining of water and I’m left in an odd state of limbo questioning if what I felt was real or if I merely convinced myself it was real.

Sometimes, I try to recreate certain feelings, place myself into situations where I can trigger that spark. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but I always feel like I’m just acting. I sit a countless number of times, observing, analyzing, reflecting, and testing all in an effort to understand the why. Why do I feel so disconnected from the world, from people, and at times from myself?

Something is fundamentally broken, and I cannot place it. A screw has come loose somewhere along this road. I am in no way upset, just curious. I pray a lot, often such prayers are me pondering with Christ like two friends sitting on the shore of a lake. Why do I only ever really feel sad? Why do things not last? Why am I the one stuck behind the glass? Truly, God is the only one to understand, and I yearn to be away from this world and return home. He has not invited me back yet and it saddens me because I’m beyond tired.

Just Sunday morning musings.

There has come a point in all our lives as we walk with Christ where we experience what seems like our lives are falling apart and challenges mount regularly. We pray, we strive, we endure faithfully, and it feels like all our efforts are for naught. We see around us others thrive, others that seem to be blessed beyond us, including those who have harmed us, and in a sense, we feel a way about it. Such is it to be human, to feel the breadth of emotions that stir us, influence us, and often chain us.

There has been something of late that I have come to learn in the last two years, and that is to pray for those who have hurt me and for those whom I envy. Before me lies only two choices I can see: allow the bitterness and envy to fester or to praise God and ask for Him to continue blessing them.

I sit here a legendary loser, piled before me are the wreckages of failures and shortcomings, within my hands l hold shards of what I was never meant have or ready to hold, and I do feel… forgotten. I look towards God and ask Him why and when I can win. Then it came to me.

Better is it to take the bitter cup He has granted, to drink it with grace and gratitude, to lean on Him in all things. I wish I could have that which I desire in this life, but am I not already blessed beyond measure with the love and peace of God? Have I not all I need and want in Him? Who am I to question my Father who guides me and comforts me?

So, yes, I do feel a certain way about that which I suffer. I watch my ex thrive while I struggle, watch traitors gain where I lose, wait in perpetuity for something yet undefined, and all I have to offer is a prayer. We have a choice to make all the time; in every given moment, between every breath and heartbeat, do we choose God or the world? Do we harbor bitterness or present grace? Let it be on earth as it is in heaven, that His will be done over mine, to see what I overlook and to know Him deeper.

What greater blessing is there than to be firmly rooted in the presence of the Almighty?

As some may know, it is not often that men generally receive compliments, and when they do receive one, it tends to linger in their mind for an extended period of time especially something that affects their self esteem. Often is it that men are seen not for who they are, but for what they can provide and their level of usefulness to another.

As such, I am free to admit, something has been on my mind of late, regarding such a topic. Months back, a friend told me I had a nice voice when we first spoke to each during a voice call while gaming with our group. Such a small thing, and yet something I have a hard tome registering even now when others have confirmed similar sentiments. To keep my pride from overtaking me, I have since given it back to God. Compliments are weird to me, perhaps it is the unfamiliarity, or merely the humble nature that God has shaped my life into.

Now, for the main thought since I have established an example. Recently, my girlfriend had mentioned something to me. We had our first video call and I was nervous, as I tend to be around unfamiliar people or situations, and as such my responses are usually silence or a lot of laughing. She mentioned then how I was not the same in person as I am in my texts, yet again, another reality of my own personality. That which I write does not always align with how I am in person, such surprises many.

The thing that got to me, was how honest she was to me. I told her that if I am not what she expected, it was okay to back out, but she told me after the interaction, that she wasn’t off put as she was registering things too. What got me was how she told me she fell for me because I brought peace to her with my prayers, how she fell for the man of God. It rings in my mind because I set God so forward in my life, nobody really complimented on how through me God has affected them, and to hear her say that means a lot to me. I think not highly of myself, and to hear her tell me why she likes me kind of feels… good, but not? Something kind of steady, no emotional response, really, mostly curiosity. Anyways, I’m quite happy to learn that what she found most attractive was my relationship to God and the nature of which my relationship is with him.

Tell me, friends, what compliment have you received of late? Let us not be lost in our pride, but be humble and thankful to our Lord on high for how He has shaped us.

I am but a candle in a storm, a spark in the dark

With trembling hands I reach out and grasp yours

Breaking the waves that churn your sea

I hope you’re okay and able to breathe

Sit here awhile, take as long as you need

I’ll make space and let you know you are seen

When the time comes, I’ll let you go

For it was not my place to hold you still

Fly away, little bird, you are free

Know that should the storm return

You have a spot beside me

I’m be waiting right here, my hand outstretched

I’ll be here waiting, in the last spot I was left

Will you return? Will I be set free?

I’ll hold on, I promised with a smile so easy

You’ve gone away, forever possibly

But the seat you had is still here with me

I’ll be waiting for when you return

Carved a small hole, made a spot just for you

It cannot be filled by none other than you

Nobody comes back, and that is okay with me

For all these seats have been left empty

A piece of my heart you all took with thee

My God called me to love and give freely

My God gave grace and patience openly

Who am I to be anything but what He has made me?

Still I ask, still I hope, still I pray, that I too can be seen

Two hands reach out, one to pull you in

The other waiting to be held too

Waiting… always waiting…

With a broken heart and an outstretched hand,

I’m waiting, I’m hoping, for the Lord who delivers me

To one day grant me that beautiful dream

The one where it all had amounted to something

Mistress in my dreams, will you settle beside me?

Phantom of my heart, will you too depart?

Please, can you stay? Will you wait with me?

I’m sorry I am not enough, I’m trying to be

I’m feeling so broken, pieces of me scattered

They’ve all gone astray, I’m not upset no one stayed

But I cry in the dark, will I too be seen?

Oh Father, I’m here, I’ve called out “Send me!”

Braving that dark, old scars still cut deep

But you taught me to endure, you strengthen me

So I’ll reach, I’ll fight, I’ll never lose sight

Because Lord, this is who you made me to be

So I’ll wait, I’ll try, I’ll always be the light in the dark

No matter how small a flame, I’ll do as you bid me

I’ll be right here waiting in the last place you left me

Broken, waiting, tired, and aching

Such is the lot God placed unto me

Grateful heart, accept His grace

The bitter cup is mine to take

With smile and praise, I’ll lift it high

Let it be your will, not mine

Waiting… always waiting…

For the boys, girls too since this comes up for them in a way, do you get tired of hear this line:

“You sound like a great guy, but I don’t think we’re compatible.”

Almost always does it come after the superficial aspects. I understand that physical attraction is a thing, but when some things are expressed like looks being negotiable prior, it feels jarring. You get this long conversation, things seem to be clicking, and then nothing. I will not ignore the fault that I am a poor advertiser of my own person, but how am I to be asked all these in depth questions, complimented on my insights, my words, the way I carry myself, but then I mention something like being Asian, being average height, or not much of a sense of style, then interest is gone. Am I just a trophy of some sort, an accessory more than a partner?

It is an odd quandary, makes me feel like I’m not quite enough. Well, whatever, back to that which grants me peace.

Edit: Thank you, my friends, for all your wonderful insights. It was just a thought I’ve had recently upon an interaction I had that has stuck with me.

Good morning,

As of this moment, 20 minutes have passed after midnight. Why am I up writing this? Good question for another time.

I am the ripe old age of 33. I’m an Asian male, family immigrated from Southeast Asia, I am willing to give you the lowdown on that interesting story should you be intrigued. On a regular day, I am about 5’8, on a bad day, under a foot. Tis a joke, what I mean is that I am quite beat up over the years from being an athlete into my early 20s and getting tossed around on the field. Loved it then, but maybe I lived too hard at that time and didn’t think what 30 would look like. I like to joke that I an 16 at heart, 33 biologically, but physically 65 because jeez is it a gamble when getting off the floor.

I am a man of many interests and hobbies, I’d even go so far as to say my hobby is the acquisition of hobbies. The primary thing is that I am curious, I enjoy learning something new, trying something interesting. I am quite the nerd type so anything falling under that category I’d probably have an interest already formed. Of late, I have considered taking up sewing or crocheting. I tried it once in my younger years considering such practical skills necessary, though i do have a knack for impatience, i want to skip the boring part and make a sweater by the next day. Music is a large part of my life, piano captures my imagination laying before me a physical manifestation of pitch that allows my curiosity to experiment with many things.

My journey with God has been… a roller coaster. A lot of hurt, a lot of anger, a lot of… mistakes. I came to Christ when I was 12, had three very distinct defining arcs that has shaped me into who I am today. Does there lie any bitterness or anger in the path I walked? No, never, I learned to find peace, joy, and grace in all of it. My relationship with Christ is absolutely tantamount, it is central to my core, ingrained into my very identity, that to be separated sounds like an end most cruel. The years worn me down to find honesty, patience, peace, grace, kindness, love, hope, and boldness as my foundations. Much has gone on in 20 years, I could write a novel on the introspection that always began with “why?”

I am quite longwinded and can analyze and dig into the depth of many things from why I like something to why I feel one way or the other. Such trains of thought lead me to prayer where I can annoy God like a curious child seeking after his father.

My preference in a partner is more to do with character. Does she reflect the love of God and produce the fruits of the spirit? I seek not in perfection, but one who is not afraid of being their truest self for it is in those moments of truth that we find growth. She must also be bold in her faith, fearless to step forth knowing that God goes before us.

My age preference is within 10 years of my own, though I am not stuck to any hard standards for I believe God works all things for my good, and as such, He knows what I need is more important than what I want. Such a rule also falls into relocation. I’d prefer to stay where I am, but should the Lord call me elsewhere, I’ll go.

TL;DR: You can’t summarize me! Seriously though, I’m an open book and i have read into my own depths. God is the foundation of my life and soul. I live life with a smile and a broken heart.

I am not “searching,” but more like waiting. Always waiting. This is not to say there is no work done in the midst of the wait, just that my priorities are not in searching in an active way. I move about as I do holding whatever catches my eye for as long as it can be held, but I wonder how many search in a desperate fashion?

I have no active search, not really, just some cursory interest thrown into the sea from time to time. One of those times, I found something I never thought I’d find in the most unlikely place. I’m sad it had to go though. I’ve had a lot of people go recently, a lot of friends walk away, and it leaves me waiting once more. Alone. I’m sorry. I’m sorry for letting you down. Hold onto your wishes if you can’t hold onto me.

I’m tired.

I’m tired of waiting, tired of searching, tired of trying. I just wanted a place to call home, a place to lay my head and just be. I have beside me God to guide me, and yet, every time I turn my head to the side wishing to share what I found and have, i am left with a frown. The seat beside me rests empty, my eyes look up to find my Father and I ask, “When will the spot be filled?”

I’m tired. I’ll be okay. Are you tired too? Are you still searching or just going through the motions?

Not really though.

I am looking for my best friend, but if more comes then it comes. I’m in my friends-to-lovers anime arc and I am looking for a very specific person to join me in my favorite game, Guild Wars. I am part of a guild, in a fun discord group, and I have no shortage of people to group with, but something is missing and it could be you. I have a vast array of interests and hobbies with the intent of learning new things. I love movies and shows, music, tabletop games and TCGs.

A few things to note:

1. I will require you to have discord and be willing to communicate through there when ready. It’s a lot easier to exchange information in game through VC or DMs. Reddit doesn’t notify me well of messages. This isn’t to say we hop right to it, but spend some time seeing if gaming together is a thing.
2. As a friends-to-lovers arc, I wont leave any intentions a mystery. I am a Christian and my faith is deeply important so I require a woman of faith or one at least open to it.
3. Have fun. This is my favorite game and I merely wish to share it with someone and use it as a bridge to opening more over time. Best case scenario, things work out like the movies or we become friends.
4. If you reach out and things kind of get moving, please tell me if you’re leaving. I’m okay with people leaving, but at least tell me it’s over so I’m not sitting around waiting for you to come back.

I guess people want to know about looks too, but I don’t want to share that publicly. If you want to know more I am open to sharing. I just want to bond over a game I love. If you made it this far, tell me your favorite role in a party and/or your favorite class in an RPG. I love playing as a Mesmer in Guild Wars.