u/Big_Ad_6843

My boyfriend and I have been together on and off for years, but I think I’m done.

My dad passed in September, less than a year after a terminal cancer diagnosis. He lived in DC and I live in SoCal. I was constantly flying back and forth to see him, not once did my bf accompany me. He used work (he works remote half the week) or the fact the the trips were on too short of a notice (it’s hard to predict when my dad declined) as an excuse not to come with me. When my dad passed my bf was in between leases and we were on a break. My one bedroom was too small for the both of us, my two cats, and his cat, to all live in for almost a month, but I took in his cat to help. He stayed in Mexico those entire three weeks while I grieves alone. He was following sl*ty instagram accounts from girls in TJ, and didn’t call me once for 10 days. Then we got back together a few months later (MY MISTAKE LOL 🤡). Then a few months ago I started planning a trip to visit my mom in Florida who I haven’t seen for over a year. I only have 9 days of PTO to use and he gave me an ultimatium that if I don’t use half of it to see his family in Vermont “we’re done.” I caved because I’m not in a good place.

I have a connective tissue disorder that causes me to sprain my back and it’s really painful for weeks, affecting my walking and ability to sit for a long period of time. I threw my back out over the weekend. Now my bf is demanding that we drive 6 hrs each way (so 12 hrs of driving in two days) this weekend to see his family for his brother‘s engament party. I can barely sit in traffic for 45 minutes. He doesn’t care and is demanding I come with him.

I feel like I can’t take it anymore. I know this is a bad situation but need help leaving :(

I (30F) have been on and off with my bf (33M) for a few years. There's a lot of shitty stuff he's done (cheating, gaslighting, controlling, emotionally manipulating me), but I've found it really hard to leave.

To give some background, I've had back issues since I was like 10 years old, and they've been getting worse as I age. I used to throw my back out a couple of times a year, and it was only bad for a few days at a time. I stopped running and certain workouts to avoid it. Doctors weren't really sure what was happening, they thought maybe it was disc issues because of my MRI showed multiple lower disc herniations. But this year I've already thrown it out at least 3 times and had serious pain and an inability to walk. My symptoms last for weeks at a time and it has been especially interfering with my work. A PT finally figured out why it was happening a few months ago, hypermobility leading to vertebrae slipping out of place, which is causing severe pain, muscle spasms, and weakness (I cannot walk). I don't take opioids, just Tylenol, Aleve, Gabapentin, ice/heat, and light movement.

Fast-forward to today. I threw my back out again yesterday and wanted to use the weekend to rest as much as possible, hoping I would be able to go to work on Monday. I started my usual routine of OTC pills and realized I was out of Tylenol. I use it to help with pain, while Aleve helps with inflammation, so I need both, as per my doctor's advice. I called my BF to see if he could grab some Tylenol for me since it's painful to walk and I can't sit to drive, plus, I'm taking gabapentin, which literally makes me unable to drive. He said okay, but when I called him later, he said he was on his way with Aleve. I told him I really needed the Tylenol. He made up some story about how his car was broken so he couldn't stop to get any, he was clearly lying. When I asked how he was able to come over to my place and then back to his if his car was broken, he screamed at me, "WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU? YOU'RE SO SELFISH, I'M NOT COMING OVER!" then hung up on me. I immediately lost it. I never ask him for help ever, but I really needed someone today, and I feel like getting me some Tylonal isn't a giant thing to ask when he lives 15-20 minutes from me, on a Saturday. I tried calling him back, and he had gone home and basically told me that I was a bad girlfriend for not realizing how mad he was and not "backing down." I'm so confused because all I did was ask him how he was using his car if it was so broken he couldn't stop for tylonal. I feel like I'm going crazy. Is this gaslighting or emotional abuse, or is he just a bad boyfriend? I feel like there is something else more deep happening, like he can't stomach something not being about him, and he's tuning this whole situation into a scenario where he is the victim, and I am the abusive one?

TLDR: I threw out my back out and called my BF asking if he could bring me some tylonal because I ran out. He lied to me about his car being broken as an excuse to not get me any and then screamed at me and belittled me for questioning how he was able to drive to my apartment and then back to his place if his car was broken. He then drove home, leaving me without any help.