u/Bikini_Top

My BF and I had a huge argument 2 weeks ago which got sort of physical (embarrassingly, I grabbed him while he was trying to leave, asking him not to leave; we then grabbed each other back and forth and I raised my fist at him). I apologized and agreed that he should leave, but he didn’t; he said he didn’t want to.

Last week, I got overreacted about something and yelled at him via text. He didn’t come home that evening, saying he was afraid things might get out of control and be worse than the week prior. He said we should break up, but then he changed, saying he doesn’t want to split, that he just wanted distance/space to forget that fear before returning home.

He came over with his friend the next day to get his work clothes, and we talked for 2 hours. He repeated that he just needed to overcome the fear. He got most of his clothes but said, “I don’t need to take all of them because I’ll still be coming over.” He left some pants and most of his shoes. I reminded him to take his baseball bat and his folder of important documents, but he said he didn’t need to take them. We hugged, he kissed my forehead, and he left.

He planned to come over the next day and the day after that but got busy (which was fine because I had other plans anyway). I admittedly called/texted a lot in those first 3-4 days desperately, and he answered/responded most of the time, but of course it wasn’t the same.

He came by 5 days later (2 days ago) to get the baseball bat, and he gave me some food that a restaurant accidentally gave him. He told me to tell my mom that he and I would go visit her soon. There’s been nothing since, besides my asking him for a password yesterday. But he has been quite busy.

I want him to overcome that fear so that we can get back together, but I don’t know if I need to go completely no-contact or continue the communication. Does it sound like he might truly be trying to come back or is he just bread-crumbing me? I know I royally messed up, but I do want us to get back together. I’ve started therapy and plan to continue. What else do I do? How do I facilitate this healing process?

TL;DR — my ?bf moved out because he was afraid that things would get out of hand when I was mad, due to what happened in a past situation, but he left a lot of important stuff at my/our place, saying he would still be coming over, but he hasn’t come back to spend time yet. I want him to move back in but he might still have that fear. Other than therapy, what do I do in the meantime? Do I continue responding to his rare communication or is he just bread-crumbing me? How do I facilitate this process of overcoming his fear? How do I convince him to move back?

Me: 30 F. Him: 29 M.

12 months ago, we visited his 2 female cousins for a weekend and stayed at their place. Several things happened that weekend that I didn’t like — he hand-fed his cousin Laura (27F), a gesture he’d called romantic before; her sister Jenny (35F) clung to him in the pool, cornering him and tickling his ?stomach beneath the water; both girls were braless the whole time we were there, and Laura even showed her boob at one point saying it was itchy. I commented on his hand-feeding her; he was upset for hours after. I didn’t mention any of my other issues.

The 2nd night, Laura’s daughter, Laura, my BF, and I shared a California king bed, in that order. Her daughter slept on the end nearest to the wall, and I slept on the end nearest to the door. BF is usually super clingy with me at night, but not this night. At some point I woke up because I didn’t feel him near. I felt around in the darkness and found his hip. I reached to wrap my arm around him, but I met resistance. Laura’s ass was against his crotch. They were literally spooning! I pulled him towards me, and he moved easily; he seemed to be pretty knocked out, as we drank a bunch that day.
I could barely stay asleep after this, and every time I woke up, I woke up to this. One of the times, I pulled him towards me and she scooted back towards him again!!!

This was our last day there. I was livid the whole day, but I couldn’t bring myself to utter to BF why I was upset. When we got home that night and were alone, I told him why I was upset. He cried, said he knew nothing about it, said he had no memory of it, said she had never come onto him before, said he was so sorry because he felt like he cheated on me. We worked through it, though he later said he was worried that I wouldn’t want to visit her anymore because of it. Worth mentioning is that he previously told me that where he is from, it’s not uncommon to see cousins dating.

The incident resurfaced for me last night when I saw this picture of him and his sister (27F) that made me feel similarly icky. Him carrying his sister, his arms wrapped around her bottom, her legs wrapped around his waist.

He said this was normal for his family. I told him that I’m not comfortable with it. He accused me of not wanting anyone to touch him at all. I admitted, “I’m not OK with intimate areas being touched, even indirectly, and you knew that from the beginning. That’s why it was such a big deal when you were spooning with Laura that night.” He got upset that I brought it up, which triggered me so I asked, “since this level of intimacy with other girls is normal for you, does that mean were you actually a willing participant in the spooning that night?” He got super upset and said, “I’m not telling you again that I don’t remember it happening. I don’t even think it really happened!” He clarified that he has always thought it was a lie. That hurt.

To be accused of lying about something like this really has me upset and I don’t know why. Maybe it’s hypocritical of me as it was a response to me essentially saying he was lying but… It makes me want to just split. And on top of that, the pic I saw last night has me feeling nauseous; I’m just not comfortable with that level of closeness between him and other adult females, related or not. Am I overreacting about this? Any of it?

I [30 F] almost hit my BF [29 M] of 1 year, so he moved out. How do I get him to move back?

Caught him spooning his cousin last year. Now this. AIO?