Feeling incredibly lost..
This is a long post, please read my story.. I usually do not post about my life issues or talk to anyone about my problems - so this is vulnerable for me but i genuinely am seeking advice. Yes, I do see a therapist but she isn’t that good. I live in a rural area and my options are limited.
My husband and I have been together for 7 years, married for almost 3. I was 18 and he was 25 at the time when we got together. I very impulsively wanted to be with him so I moved 7 hours away to move in with him after meeting with him twice. I thought we were so in love and no one could tell me different.. he was so nice to me, and it felt like we were the same person. Soon our relationship would become increasingly toxic, he started to become physically abusive, he’s never hit me in the face though. A few months in, he broke my dogs legs and I told myself once I pay this off (I worked at the vet clinic at the time) I am going to leave him. Well I stayed because the good times were good and the lows were just so low. He claimed it was an accident.. I wanted to leave and knew the relationship wasn’t good but I just kept holding on and really believed I couldn’t find anyone better, and he is right. I am spoiled and he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I also fed into the toxicity. I was incredibly jealous, but he always was shady. In the beginning of our relationship he was very controlling but I thought it was because he “loved me.” He would take my car keys, take my dog, or call his mom to “keep an eye” on me like I was a child. Time went by and he proposed to me. In the mountains, it was beautiful and bought me a really pretty ring. I said yes, but afterwards I just had this feeling it wasn’t right, I felt doomed and like well this is the love I deserve and the best for me I kept telling myself. The abuse continued. We got married, and I had the worst time planning our wedding. I was 21/22 at the time and I couldn’t even write my vows. I should’ve been old enough to know better but i believed him, no one else would want me and i have daddy issues. He is the one for me. He’d say such sweet things, pay for things etc but when we’d fight or he’d get drunk. Things got bad. Shortly after we were married, he decided he wanted a baby. I was reluctant and questioning my life choices but I ended up getting pregnant. It takes two. I know. I was 22 when I got pregnant. He became meaner when I was pregnant. I worked long hours, he would push me, call me names, and ignore me to play video games, I went to the appointments alone a lot of times, and he didn’t want anything to do with me. I tried to leave him when I was 37 weeks - and I made it to the next town over and came back because I was scared to tell my family. I remember he ripped the first book I ever bought our unborn baby girl and he cornered me and screamed in my face while I covered my stomach. I stayed. I ended up getting preclampsia a week later and he became very nice to me.
Then my beautiful daughter was born. He was somewhat helpful during labor, but I remember how sad I felt as he played video games while I laid there. He however got to help the doctor deliver her. I got really bad postpartum preclampsia and the next two weeks were hell after she was born. My thyroid crashed real bad from my existing autoimmune disease. I was helpless and very ill. I was terrified I couldn’t take care of myself let alone her. I was 2.5 weeks postpartum and he made me give him a blow job and I cried and cried saying I wasn’t ready and he made me feel awful about it so I gave in even though it felt like I was on my death bed.
I wasn’t able to get my daughter to latch also and he made me feel awful about it and I already felt so exposed and vulnerable trying to breast feed. He’d make comments how I was starving our daughter and she deserves breastmilk but I was literally fighting for my life. I was so weak, sleep deprived, high blood pressure still, feeling sick from severe hypothyroidism, and hormone shifts. At 4 weeks postpartum he wanted to have sex and I said no, and he made me feel terrible. It hurt and I cried. I was incredibly suicidal after she was born, he’d call me crazy, I would cry a lot and he’d call me a horrible person that I’m crying in front of our newborn daughter. He used to take her and lock himself and her in a room when I’d cry and say I feel like I’m dying or I want to die. He’d make me feel like I was crazy and would threaten to take me to a psychiatric ward and I’ll never see my daughter again. I also couldn’t get any sleep because he’d sit her in the mamaroo while he played video games - and stick a bottle in her mouth and it’d drip all over her and she’d be all wet. He’d also scream profanities at the tv screen while playing video games. Instead of cuddling her, and actually taking care of her. I developed severe insomnia and more anxiety. At like 4.5 weeks postpartum I waited until he left for work, threw some stuff in a laundry basket, took my dog and my baby girl. Drove 4 hours to meet my mom and sister. Since they live 7 hours away and I stayed with my parents. He threatened to call the police for kidnapping. Even though my sister called the police in my hometown and they even watched my parents road because he threatened to come to my parents house. I eventually ended up going back. I thought I can’t work. Also I found my mother and his messages talking about me and my dog ended up with diabetes and he told me he’d help me pay for his treatment. He put all the blame on me. It became worse. I told him the mental toll of pumping and for my mental health to switch to formula. He told me our daughter was going to die, that I am killing her, and we should just put her up for adoption. Those words broke me. I will never forget it. He will go back and forth and gaslight me saying he never said those things. He did. 100% did.
I left him again and stayed with my parents in North Dakota for a month - he was harvesting anyways so i would’ve be alone anyways without his help. When I came back, we got in a fight and I ended up running out of the house with my 2 month old daughter and he threw my phone while trying to call 911. Into the field and took our daughter and locked himself into the bedroom. I found my phone. Called 911. Heard his name on his police scanner and freaked out. I called the cops because he kicked cans at my daughter and I and before I picked her up from her crib he shoved me into the chair. I am so dumb, I lied to the police and said he doesn’t abuse me. His mom was there and it felt like his whole family was against me and I was just alone. I never pressed charges. To this day he says I gave him PTSD and trauma from calling the cops. He acts as if he’s done nothing wrong and all this I’m just making up. It’s crazy and he’s the victim in this situation. My daughter is two now, last September I ended up accidentally getting pregnant again, miscarrying - i really took a step back and looked and life and asked what am i doing? I don’t want to be with him. It felt like rock bottom getting pregnant again by him and how he treated me during the miscarriage.. i keep prepping how i will leave and then i freeze. We live on a ranch, my daughter has her bunnies, kittens, a new pony, her favorite cows, and I have my chickens. I feel stuck. I feel terrible ripping her away from this lifestyle. I can’t abandon my animals. I talk to God everyday, and i feel so far away from him. I need to get out but it’s like I’m stuck in this miserable cycle at the age of 25. I don’t drink, i am very against alcohol. I don’t do drugs besides I take low dose of Ativan for sleep, i still am working on the insomnia and lowering my cortisol. My husband takes kratom, vyvanse, klonopin, and who knows what else he doesn’t tell me. He also likes to drink. I called the help line for attorney advice and so embarrassingly i got so overwhelmed i hung up half way thru the call. I know nothing about our finances. I’m kept in the dark. Everytime i talk about getting a job I’m told I’m “ruining our daughter’s life and she needs a mom” - but now i am financially dependent on him. I can’t go back to my parents because I’ve battling a very hard inner situation, my father sexual abused me when I was young and I’ve only told my therapist and husband about it. When I was freshly postpartum I thought going to my parents was the best route I guess but my minds changed. There is a lot of pieces to my life but I’ve already written a book on here now. I’m sick of him always threatening he will take our daughter and I’ll never see her again. What if I divorce him and he gains full custody and I never see her again?
Has anyone been in a similar situation and gotten out? Is it possible to break the cycle? Did your kids turn out okay? I feel such guilt and shame for not being a stronger person. Sometimes I gaslight myself into thinking I am being dramatic and I’m not being abused.