u/Bitter-Serve-773

So today was his day to visit his domme

He had therapy last night for his depression

He was washed out but seemed to have a fairly ok nihts sleep

I on the other hand did not, worrying about how I would get through the day!

The alarm went off 5.15am but I had been awake for 30 minutes plus. He asked me if I was ok. I said fine, i wanted to tell him I didn't want him to go to his domme!!

I asked my usual question, how did you sleep.

Yeah no too bad!

He went down for his breakfast, returned, washed and left for the day. I gave him his usual drive carefully!!

He message at 7.20am I am here! My anxiety is through the roof

I reassured him he had nothing to worry about, all the while thinking maybe his conscious was pricking.

I thought i check again in an hour.

Hi honey how are you doing?

Yeah much better i think I'm going to be fine!! No!!!

He mentioned a few weeks ago he told me he was good at manipulating. I had never knowingly seen him do it. Was i delusional? Is this exactly what he is doing now picking up my unease.

He messaged later to say he was having lunch and then leaving for the supplier. Then on to his Domme

I knew he was in the carpark, he is always on time.

I messaged. I needed to get into his mind. Put him off

I told him I loved him, I told him to have his session and then he would come home to me. You are mine. He reassured me of course

The next hour I distracted myself , then he messaged to say he was on his way home

When he came in he had the skip in step again, happy, satisfied. I had failed. Gutted!

I followed him up stairs to be debriefed. He was shy, he hadn't been like that last time.

Maybe he was shy because he'd managed to finish this time?

He showed his trophies, lashings across his arse.

She had spat at him. Electrobs on his body. He was telling me slower than before.

Why do I do this to myself 😪

He was quiet after tea, the whole point was he would share to make it easier for me

Is he obsessed? Does he want more than getting his kicks

When he says he loves, are they just words

Im not sure how much more I can take!!

My husband has had depression for atleast the last 10 years

He is 6 years younger than myself, we have been together 32 years. I have 3 children from a previous marriage, but he was and is the best father and now grandfather they could ask for

As I approached my 50 birthday my son aged 27 announced he and his partner were pregnant. It was all I ever dreamt of, a mother becoming a grandmother, I'd won the lottery!

My husband didn't take the news well. This is when we realised something was very wrong.

I had to lead 2 lives, one of happiness with my son and sadness with my husband.

My husband tried to kill himself twice and was put on medication, and sadly just left, very little support or help, just left

He was in a very dark place, with only my support really. I had no prior knowledge of depression, obviously I knew people could get depressed but never knew anyone who was or had been depressed. He obsessed all the time about the child that was coming.

Our grandson was born and there was a change in my husband, remorse for how he had been and he showed nothing but love for this little boy. Again he obsessed, he was so remorseful for being this evil person whom he had become not wanting this grandchildren and not allowing me to rejoice in the light of becoming a grandparent

He carried that remorse for the following 8 and a half years. He recently started seeing a dominatrix who claims she is a witch of a sort, not knocking anyone who says they are a witch. She made him do this incantation and now he has released himself from the guilt, which trust me I am thankful for. I hate to see him the way he was

Now as I said after being together 32 years we are getting on. His depression was so bad and the medication was not working. He was on a high dose. He returned to the doctor and they agreed to take him off. His sex drive had gone, he was tired all the time. He had put lots of weight on. But I still loved him, supported him and i still do.

Along with this came the menopause for me. We were both dead in the intimacy department. I would apologise frequently but he would reassure me that nothing was working for him either. We were able to cuddle and show affection in other ways. We loved each other!

He was fine for a while but then he got made redundant. I continued to support him. He refused to go back on medication (and still does) because it had not been a good experience the first time

We got the opportunity to move to be closer to our now grandchildren (he loves them all dearly, he had no issues after the first grandchild)

I would help with the grandchildren

We moved and i still checked in periodically to make sure he was ok.

He found a job he loves, he loves the area we live in, but our world is crashing down!

Unbeknownst to me he was crumbling on his own.

In September of last year he went to see the first of 15 dominatrix. He went from each one, looking for the right one. He eventually found her in December.

He had started to become aggressive towards me, telling me I was spending too much money.

I stopped spending apart from food and essentials. He was still so aggressive. I kept asking how are you feeling was this the depression returning.

Then it happened. We got up this particular morning and he said we needed marriage counselling. I didn't know what to say. I was completely blind-sighted.

He told me i looked old, he said i was no longer the wife but the all consuming grandmother

I had issues with my mother (she died over 20 years ago) and I had always said please don't let me get like my mother.

He told me i was just like my mother? My heart was breaking

Of course I agreed to go to the counselling. I love him so much.

My heart was breaking, I had a knot in my stomach like I had never had before.

My mind started to race, was he having an affair. It wasn't possible. He left each morning to travel to work. He occasionally got home late, due to traffic I'm talking 30 minutes 45 max! And he only got 30 minutes for lunch, was it possible??

The knot got tighter, I became more irrational i was going mad. For 2 weeks this went on!

I had always worked before, so I had my own money. I no longer had money coming in and I thought if he was going to try to kill himself I needed access to our joint account. I asked him if I could and he said of course. I have nothing to hide! I also said we should sort out a will. All to which he agreed.

In the back of my mind i still had a niggle about how much I was spending. As soon as i got access to the account I got the bit between the teeth and started checking my expenditure

I started to panic initially as I could see money coming from a cash point. That was it, was my family stealing from us, had our card been cloned. The knot was getting tighter. I would tell him I had months of statements with the money going out!! Then I saw it, this word. I immediately googled it and it referred to a dominatrix. I was falling, my hands were shaking and my heart pounding in my chest!

When he got up, he settled down to have his breakfast and he was in an ok mood. I felt like he could see my heart pounding out of my chest! He took a mouthful looked at me and smiled and asked if I was OK. I didn't know what to say. He repeated himself and I just said the word. His face changed in the moment, I could see rage. I remained calm and he said to me well you have been snooping?

My head had been churning like a washing machine for weeks, it stopped and cleared , the knot released i became sane again

He told me everything. 15 dominatrix. How unhappy he was in our relationship. How i lived for the grandchildren. All the time he was on the outskirts forgotten about

Over the next few days we talked about it more. He told me he was not going to stop going. He needed it. He told me he trusted her. He told me they had a connection (I pray it is in his head)

He sees her during the day when he goes out on the road, that was how he saw all of them!

Then he tells me about his black hole he has. Its all consuming. It guides his mood. He has other major issues which I had never been told about. Bullying as a child, no support from his parents. The list goes on and on

What is this black hole? Is it depression? Is it something else?

Can anyone help me?

Im so tired and desperate!

Today is a bad day

This impacts on every aspect of life.

He states he wants to go to marriage counselling but is she coming too??

She is part of this

We went for a walk, not talking just walking.

Passing the time of day. Oh, look at the reflection of the sun on the water.

We have a beautiful lake where we live and sadly a woman so desperate drowned her son aged 5 and then took her own life. I say to him, I have admiration to a degree for her. Whilst she was in such a bad place she felt she had no way out, she took her son with her. No labels for him. Never being called the child with the mother who killed herself. He didn't have to grown under a cloud with depression for him on the horizon.

Now call me a fool, I believe when your time is up, then it's up. He was never supposed to reach 6 years of age, if she hadn't drowned him, he would have been run over or something. Such a sad situation to be in

He stood there and cried for this stranger. I could see his vulnerability.

Weeks ago I cried for us when he was telling me we had to go to marriage counselling. Blind sighted and not knowing what was happening.

I feel hollow today. I don't have the energy to ask anymore questions.

Its the weekend and we decided to try tonspend the dates together

We spent time talking about things and why he goes to see this domme

He's told me that he watched this film called beautiful boy(Steve Carell and Timothee Chalamet) Basically the son gets addicted to drugs. The son tells his father that he feels like he has this big black hole and feels nothing. Not seen it so I hope it am describing it right.

He tells me he cried at this. He said it hit home and he said it was because that was how he felt pretty much all the time

Mental health is a wicked thing. It will play with your mind, chew you up and spit you out

He laughed today too. I haven't heard him laugh for a while and as we laughed together everything that had happened disappeared whilst we enjoyed our company

He talked about her and what she did to him. He told me how he felt. Ironically, it sounds a bit like therapy!!

My head is a bit mashed again today because I find myself feeling sorry for him. She's not moving in but could the 3 of us be happy together?

I have to start looking for marriage counselling next week. Maybe they can help

I feel calm, or as calm as I can be

He messaged to say he was on his way home, i knew it would be about an hour. I keep myself busy until he arrives

I hear the door and he walks in. I can feel his mood. Is he happy, possibly. He seems lighter. Is he high, not on drugs but on what he has experienced, yes I think that is it. I can't burst his bubble

I hug him, is he nervous, possibly he is going to debrief me.

We go upstairs for him to change. I am like a little girl waiting to hear what he has to say. He asks if I'm OK, I say yes.

He asks if I want to see where she has marked him, I say ok. He has wealt across his buttocks, he tells me 30 with the cane and 30 with the whip! Then he shows me the front and says he was whipped here too. I cant see anything. How can he stand to be whipped there?? He tells me was over some contraption and his balls can hang and she can whip him there.

I ask how he is capable of these punishments and he jokes I'm hard ( not literally) then like a little embarrassed boy says he has built up the stamina

He tells me what else went on. I'm not shocked, just disbelief, not because I don't believe him but how can he have this done.

We sit down to talk and he has discussed the fact I found out about him seeing her. She casts not judgements. She just warns him to be careful, be guarded. Maybe careful isn't the right word, but she is looking out for him. Protecting him or atleast telling him to protect himself

He tells me he doesn't trust me. 32 years we have been together, I've never hurt him. I tell a lie I bit him once!! Not good I know!!

I'm a little shocked, I ask him if he trusts her and he says yes. Of course he does

He tells me he can't let me see the vulnerable side of what he has done to him. He is quick to run through what he had been through, he is not ashamed but shy. I thought he could tell me anything

He asks if I am OK. I say i am fine. I am trying to not burst his bubble. I hate fine, it's all I ever seem to say. He points out I am not. I don't know how to articulate myself. I am not that educated. He states he is sorry and he is a scumbag.

I nearly lose my cool. Stay calm. I tell him he can't continue to apologise. I don't want him to feel any worse than he does already

He looks at me in disbelief, he starts to say he can't believe how I am handling this, like I'm superhero. I'm not.

He tells me he loves me. I tell him back. He tells me again he wants to go to marriage counselling. I'll be there.

He is tired, I know he wants to stop talking but I still want to ask questions

I am struggling with him not trusting me comment. I ask him if he trusts her. He says yes. Of course he does.

I don't have the words, he asks again if I am OK. I tell him he can't keep asking me this.

I'm cross to a degree but I remained calm

I say again, he is tired. Enough now.

He added he had not been able to finish. I could see he was disappointed. He told me this was the second time it had happened. I don't know if i caused this. Not intentionally, but because I knew what was happening

Whilst reading his emails I came across a website she had recommended. I looked at it and searched her. I see her. Not knowing what name he goes by I search for him. Nothing. I spot a button stating followers, I click on it. I start to scroll and there he is!

I'm not sure how i feel about this. I don't know if i am torturing myself. I am strong but this is someone I know nothing about. Yes we have been together 32 years, yes we have been married 17, but I clearly know nothing about him

I really don't know what I am going to do

I feel like this has been going on for a decade!

So following on from my dominatrix bomb I asked my husband if I could see his communication with her.

As you can imagine he got agitated. His immediate answer no. He said nothing good vould come from it. I explained that it may help me with the situation we are in. We discussed other things but he was so agitated he was quite dismissive.

We ate or tea and he asked to speak to me after to discuss why I was acting the way I was, I was understandably distant. I addressed the matter of reading the emails. He looked deflated! And then forcefully said just read them. I was conscious neither of us were in the right head space so I said he had my word that I would read them until he gave his true consent. We left it there for the evening and he went off to work the following morning. He has lied to me for 8 months, rightly or wrongly I was not going to keep my word. I was straight on his laptop.

Under JOBS were the emails. Times, dates, options??

I started at the beginning and at the start there were no surprises. He had told me most of the content. He had told me he loved her like a friend, when I found the email he was apologising to her for over stepping. He told her He loved her the same as his loved his boss(a guy) adding not in a gay way!! She reassured him she had taken it at face value and felt complemented.

In my former content I mentioned we has a row and he concluded we need to see a marriage counsellor. He poured his heart out to her. The line that took my breath away, she(that would be me) claims she will do everything in her power to change things, adding like that's going to happen!!

I continued, more appointments to see her, asking how he should pay and passing the time of day.

Then came the last email explaining he had been caught! He said she knows everything. He spat the word 'Vixen' that was how I found out. There was a payment to the company, other than large amounts of cash coming out there was very little else to give him away.

It was like he was reassuring her by saying he had told me it was non negotiable. He told her whilst I was not giving my permission, I had not demanded he stop going. He mentioned there was longer a case of punity?? I had no idea what this meant. I googled and came to realise he was giving her permission to hit him as hard as she would like! So now if he has wealt marks I will see them!!

He gave more dates for June requesting a 2 hour session and He ended by stating he could not wait to see her tomorrow. No surprise, I have told him I need to know this information

I have no idea how i remained so calm. He has no idea i have looked.

Am I mad?? She thanks him, she complements him, she never mentions the word love. She never mentions me. She gives him support where he needs it. She is not cold. She is empathetic. I don't know if she is clever or not. I appreciate he is a client and she is clear with him. Is it a type of therapy? I will never truly know what is said between them because the discuss this face to face.

I never mentioned i had read the emails. I asked him to let me read them when he felt he could, I said I would be calm and not judge. I asked him to not delete anything and let me see exactly what has passed between them.

He told her that if he could have picked a child it would have been our daughter in law. He said she reminded him of her(the dom) I'm sure my daughter in law would be elated, I don't think!!

I feel flat. I feel dead inside.

He is off to see her tomorrow and when finished will shower and come home to debrief me. This is what I have asked for.

I just need to rant to get this off my chest . I look forward to your thoughts on this