u/BizzMarquee

I’m 42 and came out to myself about a year and a half ago. I was fired from my last job and just happened to land a front desk job at a family practice office in March that has two gender affirming care providers. I’m not out at work yet, but I scheduled a new patient appointment with one of them. So in two weeks I will be coming out to my doctor who’s also my colleague and discuss starting T. 😳 The job has absolutely increased the urgency to start medical transition. I get misgendered at least twice an hour and have to talk all day. When I hear my voice echo on the phone I recoil. It’s like something out of a horror movie.

An incident happened last week that made me realize just how severe the dysphoria actually is. I have a coworker who’s gay. A friend of his stopped by to drop something off to him for a game night they were having. They were chatting about a mutual friend and said they would gossip later. Just casual gay male sociality. The world I desperately long to be a part of a few inches away from me. At the same time a patient came up to check in. I asked for his signature and he said, “Yes, ma’am!” I just wanted to fall apart right there. It was devastating. But I still had to work for a few more hours so I kept the tears in until I got home. I’ve been a mess since then. My heart is racing just sitting at my desk. I can’t go on like this much longer even though I’m completely terrified by what lies ahead. The thought of people using he/him pronouns for me scares the crap out of me. I’m seeing my therapist on Wednesday, but I just wanted to get it out there. Any words of support or advice on coming out at work are appreciated. :)

I’m 42 and have been in therapy for almost two years. I’m sitting here at work thinking about my therapist. He’s the first person I’ve felt truly safe with and it hurts so much. I cry so hard I get a headache the next day. After our session yesterday I made it two hours before I started uncontrollably sobbing. I don’t have any family or friends. He said that we need to focus on building one or two connections, but that makes me anxious just to think about.

I feel like an orphaned baby bird that’s imprinted onto him. I know what the limits of therapy are, but ugh I just want him. 😢 And I know I can’t have more. It’s also complicated by the fact that I’m going through a gender transition and he has the identity (gay man) I’m moving toward. All I can imagine is that I don’t have him and I’m alone again like I’ve always been. So I’m navigating trauma, attachment, identity, envy, connection, etc. and he’s my whole support system right now. That’s a lot for one relationship.