r/FTMOver30

When looking up media with trans characters, it's always YA comics, YA books, middle grade books, middle grade comics, shonen manga/anime, shojo manga/anime... even with DC comics and Marvel comics, it feels like their "LGBTQ pride" branded stuff is all aimed at younger audiences.

I'm glad kids have content to read and watch. That's cool. We didn't have all this stuff 15 years ago. I remember when there was just a handful of trans themed YA books and no middle grade books (only primary aged picture books) as late as 2014...

But at the same time, it feels sorta alienating as an adult. I don't relate to stuff aimed at gen z and especially not gen alpha. There aren't nearly enough 30+ year old trans characters out there either.

Tldr; thought I was all into women. I'm actually 95 percent gay now that I can be myself post-transition.

I see this question come up a lot here and in the T subs - "my attraction changed on T, what's going on" - so I thought I'd write up my own experience. Not as an answer, just as one more data point. Everyone's different. This is only mine.

Quick background so you know where it's coming from. I'm 43, about three years post medical transition. Before transition I had four long-term relationships, all with women. In my early 20s I'd had some sporadic sex with men - I framed it to myself as "experimenting" at the time - but it never felt like it fit, and I filed it away and went back to dating women. For twenty-odd years I'd have told you I was mostly into women, maybe a bit bi, and left it there.

Then testosterone, and time, and the thing a lot of you describe: my attraction to men came online in a way it simply never had been. Not "I decided to try men." More like a channel that had been switched off my whole life suddenly had power running through it. And in parallel - this surprised me - women went quiet. Not gone. I can still find a woman beautiful. But the actual wanting isn't there and, being honest with myself, I don't think it ever really was.

The thing that took me longest to work out, and the thing I actually want to share, is that "attraction" turned out to be three different things that I'd been lumping into one. Untangling them is what made it stop being confusing:

1. Aesthetic appreciation - "I can see that person is beautiful," and nothing else happens. I get this for men and women both. It's real but it's not desire.

2. Sexual pull - the actual bodily "I want you." This, for me, turned out to be men. Full stop. And crucially it comes from the body first - it doesn't need me to admire the person or build up to it, it's just there. When I finally felt that with a man, it was the easiest thing in the world, and it didn't wobble if something was slightly awkward or imperfect, which sex with women always had for me. That difference told me everything.

3. A rarer, deeper pull - "I would take that person seriously" - which for me is keyed almost entirely to intelligence and the way someone uses language, and it's fairly gender-blind. There are a couple of women (brilliant, dry, verbal types) who trip this one. But it stays in the "I could love your mind" register - the sexual channel doesn't light up. So it never becomes what it becomes with men.

Where I've landed, and I hold it loosely: I'm about 95% gay. The residual isn't really sexual bisexuality - it's that I can appreciate women aesthetically and occasionally be genuinely moved by an exceptional woman's mind. Basically gay with a narrow demisexual door for extraordinary women that, in practice, has never quite opened. If that's a clunky way to put it, sorry - it's the most honest map I've got.

A couple of things I wish I'd known earlier, for anyone in the middle of this:

- The fact that you could "construct" attraction to one gender and not the other isn't the tell you think it is. I was actually better at manufacturing desire for women - because I'd had to be, for decades. The ease with men wasn't a skill; it was that the desire was just there and never needed constructing. Took me an embarrassingly long time to realise low effort meant more real, not less.

- "This is completely confusing" is often just what it feels like when new data doesn't fit the story you've been told about yourself. The confusion isn't you being broken. It's the old frame not fitting anymore.

- Give it time and let yourself actually explore rather than deciding in advance. Mine took months to settle and honestly is still sharpening.

Anyway. One person's experience, not a global answer to anything! If any of it is useful to someone staring at this same confusion, that's why I posted it. Happy to answer questions if people have them.

I want to get more fit, lose weight and build some muscle so I will look good after chest surgery.

Do you know some YouTube channels, Instagram, vlogs etc. with workouts for trans masc people?

Hey guys, wanted to get your experiences and thoughts about something a lot of trans guys go through.

I transitioned at 30, and before that was in sapphic community spaces since I mostly date women. Since taking testosterone people perceive me as a cis het man. In that invisibility there is safety at the cost of visibility and sometimes community.

There is a trans lesbian in my city who is very active in the queer community and organizes a series of parties, some of which are sapphic. I used to love going to those events with a lot of my friends who are women and nonbinary trans mascs, but the organizer has told me explicitly that trans men are not welcome at those parties because they are for sapphics, and that men cant be sapphic.

We have this big WhatsApp group that used to be for "Queer international women" and when I transitioned I asked if the group was intended to be for women or if it was more like FLINTA since I knew there were a lot of nonbinary people in the group, and I was wondering if it was still for me as a trans man. It sparked a whole conversation, the group got renamed, and a lot of the enbies were glad for the clarification. That same woman who organizes the parties opposed calling it a FLINTA group and was vocally against it because some trans women experience FLINTA as being trans-femme exclusionary.

None of it is personal or against me, and I know this, she doesnt even know me. She just feels that trans men are men, and she wants spaces that are for women and nonbinary people. I understand how it is when you want to feel safe and with people who wont assault you or sexualize you or bother you, and obviously we all experience the way cis het men are usually the ones doing that, so when you see someone who you perceive is a cis het man, your brain automatically will feel less safe. And a lot of us have experienced the grief associated with realizing that in order to be your authentic self, you are now perceived as a threat.

I realized, though, that after being told I was not welcome at those events and having whether I should be in the WhatsApp group opposed, I have kind of removed myself from a lot of the local queer events, especially the ones that are more sapphic/queer rather than for gay men. I think I am probably being overly sensitive or reactive in doing that. Losing access to that community makes me sad, and I realized I probably dont need to be editing myself out of them. I could let it go and just go where I want to go but I dont want to be an entitled man who thinks his emotions make him entitled to all spaces.

I notice when I do go to those spaces or events I feel like I have to play up my queerness by presenting in a feminine way (which makes me dysphoric), or not wear a shirt or something so people can see my scars, but the most authentic me is very masculine presenting, and queerness is about celebrating who you are.

I imagine many if not all of you have experience with this sort of thing. I'd love to hear how you navigate it, how you think about it, what balance you find, etc.

TLDR how do you experience and handle being perceived as a cis het man in queer/sapphic spaces?

“Are you sure you’re not nonbinary?”
“Wow, she/her? I didn’t expect that from you”
“You’re a cis woman? Not with that haircut”
“We’re waiting for your pronoun drop”

For years I would laugh at these comments, but there was a resentment building too. I got really steadfast and stubborn about the fact that YES, it’s possible to be a cis woman AND look like this (gender non-conforming and masc).

The trouble is, recently I’ve started to actually question my gender. I may be nb or ftm. And the idea that these outsiders could’ve known better than me the whole time really drives me nuts. I almost don’t want to give them the satisfaction.

I know at the end of the day it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks. But has anyone else had similar experiences?

I started T in like…April. My hair is now noticeably thinner. I’ve got an appt with a dermatologist but there’s no fucking way I’m damn near bald that quick, right??? (And yes, I have already looked up the posts in this sub, which is why I’m asking.) I started oral minox but I’m not gonna lie. I’d give up T before I give up my hair. I’m too damn insecure about my hair and T just isn’t worth it to me. But it’s way too early for that, right??? Am I going fucking crazy?!

Editing to say thank you for all of your comments. My anxiety has gone down alot since my initial post, and I’m going to take a bit to think about my options. Yall have seriously helped a lot 🫶🏻

I’m also going to add this because it seems people are mistaking this as me hating baldness. That is absolutely not the case. At all. Not only do I know plenty of bald men (and women), but I’ve also found plenty of bald people attractive. Just because I myself do not want to be bald does not mean I find anything inherently wrong with it. None of you have actually asked “why don’t you want to be bald?” You’ve just jumped to “I can’t believe you hate bald men!” Like…seriously? Use your damn brains and consider maybe there’s a personal reason behind it. And at the end of the day, THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH NOT WANTING TO BE BALD. JUST LIKE THERES NOTHING WRONG WITH BEING BALD. Jesus.

I’ve been on T for around 9yrs. I’ve had the changes I wanted to have, I’m happy with my transition.

Lately (maybe the last few months) there have been aspects of my pre-T body that I miss. I miss, mainly, some of how my pre-T body distributed fat.

I’m thinking about taking a few months off T, seeing if my body changes and if I like it. Do yall think that would be okay?

I feel sort of ridiculous asking, but I’m worried (somehow) this will make me less of a man. Or it’ll mean I never really was trans to begin with, although I do firmly feel like I am a man. I’ve talked to my cis partner who says he just wants me to be happy with myself and would support me with whatever I do. I’ve also talked to my mtf friend who said I should do it if I want. I just feel nervous, I don’t know why.

Has anyone else felt like this? I know I’ve read in the past about folks going off T for a bit, but I can’t seem to find those posts. Any advice is appreciated.

So I just completed my 4th dose on Xyosted after 7.5 yrs of IM HRT. Loving how much smoother administration is when I can get the method to work, that is.

I’m a chubby guy, there’s no lack of squish here. But pinching and then administering is very hard for me I have found. I’ve tried sitting and standing, with more success when sitting.

However it feels like the moment I press the shot against my stomach, no matter how hard I squeeze or pinch or how much is squished or pinched, when I push the pen against me my body feels like gelatin! Rather than staying firm it squishes inwards and I can’t get the pen to administer in one go. It’s frustrating!

Do I just give up trying to pinch and just push in the pen without squish? Any tips are welcome! 😭

Hey, guys! I’m going to have to apply for jobs soon. Haven’t been working for a bit. I’m also fairly new to transitioning. No T or surgeries yet and definitely no legal name change.

How does it work for names? Do I put my government name and tell them I prefer to be referred to as ___ instead and hope they don’t judge me? Do I put the chosen name on applications and my resume and not volunteer that information unprompted? I don’t know how it works for this kind of stuff. And I’m STRESSING.

I’m wondering if, for legal reason? I don’t even know, I HAVE to give them my legal name. I would imagine whoever does payroll or whatever will see it anyway because of the deposit slip you have to give to new employers and have questions. I don’t know if health insurance benefits and stuff would need my legal name? Is that a thing I would get in trouble for? I don’t want to somehow accidentally lie to the government or commit fraud or something stupid because I don’t know anything. 😭

I’m sorry if this is stupid. I don’t know how legal stuff works. Hopefully someone understands this mess I just typed. Thanks in advance. 😅

I'm pre-bottom surgery & vers, but I've only ever topped other trans guys. I've been dating this wonderful cis guy for about a year now. I've been bottoming this whole time if we're not doing side stuff, but he's vers too & wants some time on his back. I don't blame him, but I'm so nervous. He's bottomed for other cis guys, quite a bit. He's never bottomed for strap before. I worry that if anything goes wrong my dysphoria's gonna go through the roof, that I'll be too nervous to top again. Yeah it might go all fine, but first-time sexual ventures rarely go flawlessly. I just want him to have a good time.

Hoping some guys here might be able to share their experiences.

I’ve always felt ambivalent about my chest, and I’ve been looking into surgery recently mostly because I’m in the US and am worried it may soon become a lot more difficult to get it done. I’ve been out as nonbinary for about ten years and on T for six months. I'm 41 now.

I would love to never have to wear a bra again, and be able to walk around in a t-shirt breathing free without that restriction or the annoying bouncing sensations. I would appreciate being clocked masculine in general but I’m used to not fitting in due to autism so I don’t care that much about it. Tattooing my whole blank chest with no boobs in the way sounds fun.

But I’ve never hated my boobs. They’ve been my awkward little companions. I’m used to having them around and partners like touching them, though lately that's been a little dysphoric. They don’t give me sexual pleasure but it is comforting to cup them sometimes. I know their quirks and weird shapes. I’m afraid I’d regret going through with it all and I’d miss them. I’m kinda sad to think about discarding them, like how I'd be sad taking an old piece of furniture to the landfill.

I would love to know how it was for anybody here who got top surgery later in life. What was your process like? What kinds of feelings came up for you? Were you ever unsure about it?

No, but seriously—before you realized you were trans, how many of the following applied to you?

1. You forced yourself to be "hyper feminine" to cope OR you were a complete "tomboy" OR you alternated between the two depending on how you felt that day

2. You never "felt" female inside your head

3. You regularly forgot the world viewed you as female until someone said "she" or you caught a glimpse of yourself in the mirror

4. You naturally gravitated towards male-centric friend groups

5. You were accused of being a queer girl/woman at least once because your mannerisms were "traditionally" masculine

6. You thought it was "normal" for girls/women to hate being girls/women

7. You felt like your breasts ruined every outfit you ever wore and that your clothes would look so much better if your chest was flat

8. You hated the thought of being someone's "wife", even if you couldn't articulate why

9. You thought m*sturb*ting would be so much better if you had a d*ck

10. You wished more than once that you could remove your breasts yourself

How many fingers do you still have up?

Hey folks!

Has anyone had their bottom growth shrunk considerably after starting to use the Estring estrogen time to help treat atrophy?

I was using the cream but it was way too overstimulating and I kept forgetting it, so I switched to Estring earlier this week. I've noticed a considerable amount of girth, length, and erection quality in that short amount of time.

The ring is the only hormonal change made in that time.

Is this normal, or has anyone else experienced similar? What do I do to get my little peen back?

I’ll be meeting with Dr. Keelee MacPhee in North Carolina, so if any of y’all have had her as a physician, let me know how things went.

She’s not the closest surgeon to me, but she’s the closest one who will take insurance. There’s not a single surgeon in Tennessee who will do top surgery and bill insurance 🫠

My partner and I call them “campers”. You know, the people who just sit on the toilet in the only stall for 30 minutes at a time. I’m not talented enough to pee standing up and I don’t care to learn.

See also: People who are 98% likely to be cis camping out in the only single stall bathroom.

I miss how clean women’s restrooms were. I miss not having to dodge pee on the seat on the regular, and how disgusting most men’s restrooms are in general.

I don’t actually need advice, but if you have some good coping skills I’ll take it. Haha.

Struggling because my mom doesn't know I'm trans FTM and she always wanted a girl. I was her only AFAB child. I feel like telling her would break her heart. I don't think she can ever know because she's also transphobic and homophobic but, on top of that, she really wanted me to be a girl. This sucks

A year(?)+ ago I posted here in earnst and honesty about how long I'd been on trans Reddit as someone who was quite disliked. I was honest about my own mentation towards my own transness vs others.

Someone in the comments mentioned the intensity of the feelings + the length indicated ruminations and strongly suggested possible OCD. this person had OCD themselves and saw a reflection of their own selves in me.

Recently my mental health had started downturning bad. I decided to see a psychiatrist. I wanted to be diagnosed and not just vaguely talking through therapy. Sure enough, one of my diagnoses is OCD with one of my main ruminations being on transness (obsession with passing/being man enough).

I never would've even thought of OCD. I don't quite understand OCD outside the regular pure O OCD that is portrayed but I'm going to learn. I just really want to thank that person. Idk who it was. The post was on an old account. But you and someone else in another sub solidified that it wasn't just dysphoria or "concern" about this and another topic. It was intense ruminations. I am forever indebted to you.

Okay so I’ve been transitioning for over 10 years but just under 10 years on T. Im kinda mid 30s. I am post op for top surgery; hysto and simple meta, and I pass 100%. I have a cis male partner and happy with that. However I feel my dysphoria comes and goes when it comes to packing. I’ve always been back and forth on it and pack for a while and then don’t. I feel self conscious a bit here and there and comes in waves. So now i’m trying to pack again.

I was wondering if anyone else felt this way so many years into transitioning?

I (40, Trans-masc) and my spouse (43, cis, straight man) have been struggling to make our marriage work for two years (since coming out and starting my transition) and I'm struggling to understand whether I'm the AH or if this is just a painful matter of being incompatible.

Over the course of these last two years he has repeatedly said hurtful things about my body/appearance. Sometimes these comments are veiled/ intended as jokes. Sometimes he's just outright transphobic. The pattern is: he says something shitty, I confront him, he appologises, then later that same day or a day later, wants to (seemlingly) make up for it by initiating sex. Then it happens again a few months later. I have told him over and over again that I don't want to to be intimate with someone who insults my body. I need more time and more than just a verbal apology and a shrug of the shoulders. I need time and more positive affirmations before I feel emotionally safe to be intimate again. It's to the point now where I hate kissing him. (I do anyway, because I feel like if I don't, I'm being cold/ not trying hard enough to maintain connection)

Today in couples therapy, he complained that he feels unnappreciated - that everything he does for me doesn't seem to count for anything all because he sometimes "hurts my feelings". (He is the breadwinner and pays for everything. I'm the stay at home Parent).

Initially, I felt guilty. He's right about the fact that he does a lot so I can live a comfortable life. I appologised for making him feel unappreciated. I was really upset that I had hurt him. But now that I've had time to think, I'm pissed. I thought he supported me because he loved me. I didn't realize he was going to call it in like a debt later.

But this where I'm unsure. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm focusing too much on the negative and not enough on the good things. But maybe not. Maybe I'm selfish and ungrateful. If I am, I'd like to know so I can fix it. (I'm Autistic so sometimes I struggle with this sort of thing).

I'm also just in need of a place to vent. I wrote an entire angry letter just to get it off my chest (I'm not planning on giving it to him) but I'm very isolated and don't have close friends to lean on right now.

I'm 1.5 years on T and pass about 90% of the time in places where people don't know me already, almost always *if* I'm being really mindful of my voice. My girlfriend and my kids and I will be traveling through some areas of the US south soon, and I'm getting a little nervous about it because my kids still call me Mom/Mama/Mommy often. They sometimes use "RawrRawr" which they adopted because I'm "older than the dinosaurs" but I haven't pushed it - been sort of in the camp of "they get grandfathered in and I'll be ok personally no matter what they want to call me" but I started thinking about how dangerous it might be to be in red hat areas with them still misgendering me out loud. My 12yo gets it - she can usually intentionally shift to he/him and RawrRawr but my 8yo cannotttttttt get the hang of it. (It doesn't help that my ex husband, his family, and my own mom refuse to properly name and gender me. She knows that some people think it's weird or wrong and get mad about it and we've read and talked a lot about LGBT stuff over Pride month and just in general when it's relevant, but she doesn't have to deal with feeling afraid the way that black and brown kids do growing up.)

Anybody have any advice on how to gently explain transphobia to my 8yo in the sense of "I need you to call me he or him and RawrRawr to keep people from being mean to us" without scaring the crap out of her?