Heart-Broken, Angry and Filled with Guilt
I (40, Trans-masc) and my spouse (43, cis, straight man) have been struggling to make our marriage work for two years (since coming out and starting my transition) and I'm struggling to understand whether I'm the AH or if this is just a painful matter of being incompatible.
Over the course of these last two years he has repeatedly said hurtful things about my body/appearance. Sometimes these comments are veiled/ intended as jokes. Sometimes he's just outright transphobic. The pattern is: he says something shitty, I confront him, he appologises, then later that same day or a day later, wants to (seemlingly) make up for it by initiating sex. Then it happens again a few months later. I have told him over and over again that I don't want to to be intimate with someone who insults my body. I need more time and more than just a verbal apology and a shrug of the shoulders. I need time and more positive affirmations before I feel emotionally safe to be intimate again. It's to the point now where I hate kissing him. (I do anyway, because I feel like if I don't, I'm being cold/ not trying hard enough to maintain connection)
Today in couples therapy, he complained that he feels unnappreciated - that everything he does for me doesn't seem to count for anything all because he sometimes "hurts my feelings". (He is the breadwinner and pays for everything. I'm the stay at home Parent).
Initially, I felt guilty. He's right about the fact that he does a lot so I can live a comfortable life. I appologised for making him feel unappreciated. I was really upset that I had hurt him. But now that I've had time to think, I'm pissed. I thought he supported me because he loved me. I didn't realize he was going to call it in like a debt later.
But this where I'm unsure. Maybe he's right. Maybe I'm focusing too much on the negative and not enough on the good things. But maybe not. Maybe I'm selfish and ungrateful. If I am, I'd like to know so I can fix it. (I'm Autistic so sometimes I struggle with this sort of thing).
I'm also just in need of a place to vent. I wrote an entire angry letter just to get it off my chest (I'm not planning on giving it to him) but I'm very isolated and don't have close friends to lean on right now.