Struggling because my mom doesn't know I'm trans FTM and she always wanted a girl. I was her only AFAB child. I feel like telling her would break her heart. I don't think she can ever know because she's also transphobic and homophobic but, on top of that, she really wanted me to be a girl. This sucks
I'm in a very complex situation and I don't know how to make things better. A few years ago, some chronic health conditions I have got worse and then I developed a condition that made it impossible for me to work. I am disabled now and waiting to get a surgery that may help improve my health and life, but it's not 100% guaranteed to and there's a chance I feel the same or even worse after it. Because of my health, I've had to leave behind my independence, job, apartment and city I was living in as a young adult to live with my parents. My parents are helpful in a lot of ways, letting me come home, helping me pay for things like food and driving me to medical appointments. I'm grateful for that. However, my parents are also not great at certain things. My mom judges and criticizes me constantly and I feel like nothing I do is good enough. My parents don't know that I'm trans and not straight. I have not come out to them, I am pretty good at hiding it but it's a very big issue that if they were to find out, my emotional well-being and possible home security might be in danger. My parents would not understand and my mom in particular would be very transphobic/homophobic. I'm a full grown adult who has lived a separate independent life from them for a very long time, over a decade, fyi. But they have decided my partner cannot come visit me, and because of my health that means I can't go see my partner. It's too difficult on me to travel long distance where they live. They basically banned my partner from seeing me. I know it's ridiculous considering I'm in my thirties.
The other thing is my mom sometimes screams and swears at me and calls me names. She says that I will be disabled forever. And I say, what if I am? We can't know the outcome of my health in the future? We can only hope I get better.
I have seen that my dad seems to be following inappropriate accounts on social media and when I pointed this out my mom brushed it under the rug. Since then I feel like my dad doesn't really talk to me and tbh I don't feel comfortable talking to him.
I don't want to be here but I feel like because they're going to be helping me with my surgery that I need to just play along like everything is fine.
I feel like I'm trapped here because I have to get a surgery that my mom will be helping me with after it's over.
It's weighing on me that I'm trans and they don't know, and that if they were to know this situation which is already pretty bad, would become much much worse. I know I can't hide my true self forever. But for my safety I've had to.
Do I just plan to leave once I'm recovered enough from the surgery? I hate that I'm dependent on people who don't really love me or at least not in a healthy way. I don't feel loved or respected and I feel like I'm not entirely safe. I wish I had a different life. One where my parents didn't treat me this way. One where I was free. Where my parents supported me fully and not just in a transactional way but as a human that they fully see and respect.
Instead I feel like I'm a burden with a horrible secret I have to keep from them just to stay safe. This is not living. I wish I had safer parents.
I was walking from my workplace to a bus stop and a group of highschool students were skateboarding and walking by. They tried to stop me and ask for my number. I said "I'm too old for you" or something along those lines as I kept walking. This happened a few years back, when I was 32 lol.
I know this is a risky/highly unlikely situation. I also know that this could work for only a limited amount of time before it becomes obvious. Nevertheless, I'm curious if anyone has tried to transition while living with parents who didn't know and succeed for a longer period of time (like around or under a year?). What did you do and what worked? Or is this just a very bad idea. Curious to hear thoughts.
Just wanted to celebrate that I started my transition, even though a few months ago I was absolutely terrified at accepting that I'm trans. Now I feel more alive, more free and I've been smiling and singing again. I haven't told that many people yet and my main supporters are long distance peeps, so just wanted to share the good news. It got better for me even though I never thought it could!!
Getting my surgery in a month - I'm worried about a fairly large single step that's outside. Will I need a ramp or will I be able to step up with crutches? My instinct is telling me to get the ramp just in case. Found a rubber one that might do the trick. Thoughts?
Does anyone else find that any amount of sitting, or walking, causes their hips to feel as if they've been sliced? They also feel stuck and my lower back hurts like hell. I have FAI with hip cartilage labrum tears. My surgery for one side is booked in about a month. Just curious if this is what others have experienced. Especially the lower back pain, is it because of the FAI?
Not doing well right now. After several years of things in my life becoming extremely difficult due to health and physical disabilities getting worse, I ended up needing to move home to my parents house. I know it's just temporary, but I'm not sure how long it will be for, because I am waiting to get surgery and after that, the recovery period is pretty long, and there most likely are more surgeries that may follow due to the nature of the condition (it's the kind where they can only do one hip/leg at a time). So basically this could take a while, unless I find somewhere to live and seek help from other resources or people.
Basically, when I was younger I for some reason was treated as the "good child" and I followed along with this script because it was what I was taught. Be nice, quiet, don't stand out, don't do anything that makes the family look bad, don't dress different, don't talk like that, talk like this. My mom made me feel like I had to be a very specific person for her to accept and love me. The thing that is creepy and strange about that is she verbally says she "loves me unconditionally ", more so in writing to be honest like in text messages. But that's only on paper. In reality I had learned that I can't deviate from her ideas of who I should be or else I will get scolded, yelled at, criticized or nitpicked, and/or told that it will make her look bad. She cares more about how people see her or me rather than actually understanding me and appreciating me as an individual.
My mom has a very strange, idealized (her ideals) version of me in her head. It's become more and more unlike the real me, as over time I went to therapy and learned to express myself a bit better and to assert my individuality, my personal needs and boundaries. Despite me doing that, my mom's idea of who I am has not changed or adapted to who I actually am.
The other day we had a huge fight over something that seemed really small in the moment. But it broke something in me and for once I told her that I feel like she doesn't know the real me or even try to, and that she only loves the version of me she imagines in her head. To this, she responded by saying that I am pretending to be someone else. Which is completely backwards from the truth. My whole life, I've been trying to be more myself. Able to express myself more freely. And to have my own individuality and respect my own needs. But she sees that as me "pretending to be someone else", because it doesn't match the idea of who I should be in her head. It's extremely uncomfortable and painful. It's beyond frustrating. It's even creepy to be honest. Imagine being a full grown adult and having someone tell you you're not who you are.
basically every feeling I've had, every experience I've had, when I express myself authentically, it's invalidated, dismissed or misunderstood, it's hated on or criticized to an extreme degree. so I get backlash simply for being an individual adult human being.
That's why I learned to mask my true self, to "grey rock" or to do an info diet. But unfortunately I've been unable to always keep that mask up or to info diet because lately I've been sick, I'm more dependent on my mom than ever because she is helping to take care of me.
It makes me feel broken. I feel like it's broken something inside of me. Where after so much emotional abuse and neglect, I have now decided no one can ever get to know me or get to experience me without serious walls up, my parents have hurt me so much that I don't ever want to get hurt again. And since I get hurt simply by expressing myself, the way for me to do that is to just completely go quiet, don't tell people what I'm really feeling or experiencing and just disappear.
I don't want to do that. I had come such a long way thankfully due to an amazing therapist, who helped me learn so much: she taught me how to be assertive, how to have healthy boundaries, how to express myself, how to love myself, how to talk to others and how to handle conflicts.
All of that feels like it's useless with my parents. It feels like they've broken something inside my spirit again.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to be stuck here. But it's the only place that would make sense for me for right now because of my physical disability. On top of that, my depression and anxiety returned. I couldn't leave living here in this state because after my upcoming surgery I'll need help to recover and won't be able to walk or do much without assistance.
I feel very trapped.
edit for typos