I finally understand “do as I say, not as I do.”
I used to think adults who said that were hypocrites. Now I think some of them were terrified their damage would become someone else’s inheritance.
I fell in love with a girl with two kids even though I swore my whole life I never wanted children. I was always scared I’d become my dad.
My dad started spiking my drinks when I was 4. By the time I was older, alcohol already felt normal to me before I even understood what it was doing. I developed a drinking problem young and spent years pretending I was functional because I was funny, creative, “the life of the party,” whatever excuse kept me from looking too hard at myself.
Then these kids came into my life.
And they’re genuinely the coolest kids ever. Smart, weird, funny, emotional, imaginative little humans. Somewhere along the line I realized I cared more about protecting their memories than protecting my ego.
That realization broke me a little.
Because I started noticing how many of my own memories are tied to fear, chaos, yelling, addiction, instability, walking on eggshells, adults acting like children while children had to act like adults.
I can’t undo what happened to me. I can’t magically become perfect overnight either. But I think for the first time in my life I understand what breaking a cycle actually means.
It’s not becoming some flawless role model.
It’s looking at people you love and deciding, “the pain stops here, even if I have to fight myself to do it.”
I don’t want them remembering me as the drunk guy spiraling in the corner. I want them to remember movie nights, jokes, music in the car, helping with homework, dumb adventures, safety, kindness, consistency.
Good memories.
I think that’s the first genuinely adult thought I’ve ever had.