u/BlackSwan_Legend

I know this kind of overlaps between relationships and vaginismus issues but just for the sake of talking about the latter where it belongs, I wanted to post it here.

My 24F bf 26M and I have been together for a year and few months and we had an amazing, spontaneous, experimental sex life since the start as I am quite active too. 8 months into it, I developed PID and it started with pain during sex and in a month or so there was an infection and further pelvic pain. As a result I underwent multiple pelvic exams and after a long journey of 3 months, the infection was cleared. Obviously we couldn't have sex during this time period but unfortunately after this too, I now have vaginismus as I get the burning sensation / pain whenever anything is inserted.

My bf has been very supportive throughout and nudged me to go to the doctors etc and said he's not going anywhere. Yet, since the time we've moved in (past three months), our romance has come down to a zero. I tried to have a conversation on this and he has blamed other things I have listed below but one experience has been around the vaginismus. Recently, after the use of dilators, it has improved to the extent that after a little bit of intial discomfort, we are able to have PIV sex. I am very happy to reach this stage but my bf feels it's awkward and rather, killing intimacy as its quite a trial and error process. After an open conversation he's also mentioned that he is not happy that I am not practicing dilators on my own and not getting further help from the doctors. The doctors have run all tests and there's no infection nothing and further examination means more speculum which may set things backwards. Pelvic floor therapy or a private gynac, which also he has suggested, will be expensive. Plus doing dilators alone, I feel alone in that. He insists I should try and do them alone.

I also mentioned how outside of the sex situation we barely are romantic, there's no other sexual actions initiated towards me (although he regularly asks for head for himself), and we kiss much less too. Its like roommates living together. I thought the dilators followed by PIV sex will get us out of this rut, but well, it doesn't work for him.

When I tried to bring these things up he has blamed the impact vaginismus has had on our relationship, the fact that I don't do dilators or pelvic exercises on my own, and how he has limited capacity and he's trying to give the actions to me but unable to.

Am I in the wrong here or what?

Edit: I do own up that fair, I need to do more of the dilators on my own even if I don't want to.

Other context:

In the last three months, we also moved in together as unfortunately I lost my job. Meanwhile he feels miserable in his job, has ADHD and stopped those meds to try and manage without, and wants to leave everything behind to go travelling. I have tried to support his travelling calling and gave it a plan as something we'll do next year and actively starting selling items for it. I have also set our routine for the gym. Any time he is not being summoned at work he watches YT, plays games, or watches reels. I am not sure if I need to give space as its his mid life crisis or something is seriously wrong in our relationship. I don't understand how he is happy on running it on autopilot like this. At the same time I am glad he is beside me despite vaginismus coming up in our lives currently but are my bars too low?

So for context, I am an Indian F and he is British M. When we crossed paths via bumble, I was leaving for London within a month and I wasn't looking seriously (but emotionally I was). I was open about the fact that I'll be moving after we started spending most days together. I threw many reasons of why we may not work - I have a religion and he is an atheist, I am moving away within a month, language barrier in the long run, he may struggle to integrate with my family etc. but the surety he had about us really made me believe that we can go through any obstacle together. I felt very loved in his presence too and decided to fully commit to him.

I found a job in London and we did long distance for 1 year, we would meet for a week every month. I would step out of my comfort zone for him sometimes and sometimes he would. It was the perfect honeymoon phase, not even in a over-the-top-lovey-dovey way but via actual actions for each other.

All of a sudden, my role was made redundant and I lost my job, we decided to have me move in with him at that point. A month before this, my bf switched from his toxic job to another with one month break in between. He has diagnosed ADHD and he stopped taking medicines to manage it himself. We travelled to Bali for 2 weeks and it was amazing!! Coming back from our trip, he suggested we go 1 year travelling with our savings (idm that) but also he feels like he doesn't want to stay in Tech anymore. He wanted to leave right then but me and his family reasoned logically and we decided to go next year. Next year February, my visa ends, and honestly, I do want to go back home, I don't like this country anymore at least currently. I have my dad's business back at home which is in my field and he wants me to join it, and with the job market right now, I feel it is the wiser decision (plus it excites me). I have shared with him that this is my intention and he said he'll find a job in India with me.

Now here are my thoughts -

1. Now that we live together, I have come to realise he is a laid back guy. He will do something for me if I ask IF what I ask doesn't inconvenience him much. If he is making tea he will ask if I want it. But he just won't do any new gestures for me beyond our existing ones for each other out of his own original thought. I have expressed this need and it just wasn't really understood clearly.

2. I have expressed that I would like him to learn my language. He was practicing earlier with me, putting those efforts even by himself in the long distance honeymoon phase but now he moans when I ask him to practice with me even when I shared how important it is to me.

3. He leaves things incomplete wherever he goes, basically doesn't put things back to their place and with my unemployment situation, I feel frustrated that beyond the basics (which I am happy to do), I have this to clear up behind him as well.

4. He just games online with friends. if he could, he would do that all day and he doesn't want to compromise on them on a particular day if I am feeling more in need of him that day.

More so, I don't want to stay in the UK anymore as not finding any job since last 2 months despite good experience is telling me that the market is cooked. Plus, I have to pause all my hobbies so that I don't spend much and all I am getting is work in home care which sounds like a nightmare, this makes me more dependant on him for socialising. Friends, I do meet biweekly but again, they have work whereas I am free mostly.

5. I seriously doubt his ability to be okay with being in India long term. I know I myself would take some time to adjust after spending such long here. I enjoy the fact that him seeking community (present in my culture) and me seeking independence (present in his culture) brings us in the middle, exactly how I'd prefer. But when it gets too much, will he crumble? I have expressed this too and he said stop, it hurts him that I think we may not work out then.

Now all of these realities, I have tried to the touch the surface with my bf but at one point he crashed out saying - "all I have heard from you past week is how I should improve and what I need to do more. The ball is slowly rolling now at work after so not being able to work for 3 months into the job and I can't overburden it all of a sudden. Trust the process."

It doesn't change the fact that I feel disconnected from him but I took it because I didn't really know what is right or wrong in that moment. I still don't. We still have loving moments and there is nothing "major" wrong. Hence why I need help to look into this with a third person's perspective.

TL;DR: Long-distance relationship was great, but after moving in I’m seeing less effort, more resistance to things important to me, and different lifestyles (and he feels burdened in his own life). I’m planning to move back to India and unsure if he can handle that long-term. Not sure if this is a phase or a sign we’re not compatible.