u/Blackmench687

While having sex with my partner, we started kissing, and then he started choking me. and we have done it numerous times before, and i enjoy it very much.

But this time, while choking me, i got this flash of

light while what i thought was when were kissing and i felt like kind of out of my body, the closest familiar feeling i can describe was like this one time i got real bad derealization from being too high on weed. But it lasted for just a few seconds, then i remember snapping back to reality and then pushing him off of me and then going to another room looking for something, like i was kind of out of it. When i asked him he said that we were not kissing and that he was just chocking me and then i started making this gurgling snoring sound but while still holding eye contact with him so my eyes were open the whole time. Then he stopped and lifted my head backwards so that i could breathe and thats when i snapped back and looked wide eyed and afraid like i didn't know what just happend.

I've struggled with derealization before and have had a lot of mental health things that make me snap in and out of reality, i also remember that i was kind of not super into it at the start while we were kissing so maybe i dissociated? I'm not really sure if it was just mental or if i was actually passed/knocked out for a few seconds?

I just hope someone out there can help me understand what happened because i am very confused and afraid. Also, because i don't want to stop being choked because i like it so much, but also I'm not sure if what happened is a sign to stop?

I love my boyfriend and he loves me back and would never cheat on me ever and i know that and do trust him fully, but there was a girl at a party (she also has a bf and maybe also has bpd ) who while drunk suggested a foursome with me and my bf and her and her bf, i said no and so did my bf. And she later apologized about it when sober, but she talks to my bf and says we are so nice and idk if she means just him or me too, and there's really no evidence or anything that suggests that she might try anything on my bf nor would my bf ever do anything with her because he loves me so much.

But i genuinely can not stop the intrusive thoughts and they give me images that make me black out rage and all i think about is killing them both or killing myself if he did cheat, and now i am not be able to tell reality from my own thoughts and im so scared that i might ruin our relationship by how cripplingly insecure i am about this. I was also at a rape center and was in a highly triggered and vulnerable place but had sex with my bf after i went there even when i did not really want to just because i wanted his attention to still be into me and not think of anyone else. I am so confused and i dont know what to do.

I've been just a little chubby for most of my life, until i was raped and then i became obese because i emotionally numbed myself with food. But when i was fat i was invisible, i could do anything i wanted and i could dress however i wanted and no one would even look or acknowledge me, no one saw me, I was a ghost everywhere i went. People didn't even smile or look me in the eye, i was no one, but i felt free.

Then i lost weight, a lot of it, my body became socially acceptable and now suddenly everywhere i go everyone looks at me. Smiles at me, they treat me so much better, people are extra nice and extra kind. They want to be around me, get to know me, compliment me. And i hate it, i was seeking this validation for so long but now i feel trapped in it, its all conditional, these people don't know anything about me, i could be the worst person to exist and they still would want to fuck me. And I'm too weak to fight it back, i become smaller and I let them use me.

All of this just shows me how inhumane everyone treats fat people, when i was fat I was treated subhuman to the point where no one saw me, and now i am somehow more worthy of everyones time and effort, all because i inhabit a smaller body. How fucking disgusting.