u/BlazorByte

Greetings.

I (M) am just a regular teenager going through with my adolescent life. Ever since i was a child, i always had persistent thoughts about a certain what if; what if i was born female? What would my life be like?

I have had these thoughts basically since i was young, and growing up, i still think of it, not in the sense that i desire to be a girl, but in fascination and awe of the possibilities. Ive always convinced myself that i simply cannot be transgender, because of certain conditions that i will discuss later.

I reunited with one of my trans friends after a few months of not getting in contact with them. I admitted to them several things about me, because they noticed my username on a social media account was changed (by me) to a feminized name of my real name. I did that as an April Fools joke this year.

However, they were very interested about why i did that. I told them a lot of things.
- That i like to think of the possibilities of me being a girl (as said earlier)
- That i genuinely wish i had feminine traits, socially and physically
- Ive always had an inside joke around me and my friends of being called "Nathalia", a direct feminized name of my real name, even when i was younger.
- That i do not feel too unsettled if people will call me that name
- That i run with that joke a lot anyway

Along with a few other traits i have that may be socially considered "effeminate". I have a lifelong passion with computers and technology, i completely lack participation in masculine activities (because of my chronic illness), and that virtually all of my friends are girls.

And they were a bit surprised, because they took my admission seriously, saying that it was all extremely significant signs of a transgender person in denial, an "egg".

At that time, i began to take this discussion seriously on my behalf. Because i dont know how i could accept this information...it made me a bit uneasy, and just at the back of my head, i get that tinge of fear, that i could end up like that in the future.

I dug through a lot of discussions regarding transgender people, so many, and i stay up at night just looking through it all. It makes me so uneasy because those discussions align so much with who i am...It feels wrong, it feels too coincidental...

For one, ive established to them (my trans friend) that i dont see transitioning as a viable choice for me, because i fear severely that i might end up a problematic person like what i see with a lot of trans discussions on the internet. I fear that i will regret it, that people around me will not accept me, that society will not accept who i would be, and worst of all, i fear that my own self wont accept myself.

Its hard to put it in words, simply.

But this discussion about myself is really putting me on edge. I dont know where i would be in my life if i chose to take that step, even if i tried. I dont view myself as a girl, or trans either, i just dont prefer masculine characteristics in general in fact. I tried to tell them that i prefer keeping my thoughts in fascination rather than actual realization.

They told me, maybe i should try to ask in online discussions about my predicament...

And so, here i am. I just dont know what i should do... On one hand, i feel as if though i am being toyed around by all these factors, that its only influence, and that if ive lived normally, everything would be fine, but part of me feels, distressed, that its all too coincidental and so similar... Damn, even my hands are shaking while im typing this.